This is not so much a relationship support article as one about life in general.
Many years ago, a very wise friend asked me the following question:
“Are you happy?”
Seems like an easy enough question, right? But it rendered me speechless at the time. My brain was racing.
“What is happiness anyway?” I finally blurted out, desperate to mask my discomfort with pseudo philosophical babble.
My friend was not fooled.
This question of happiness applies to love as well. I often ask the people I meet if they are happy in their relationships. Over the years, I begin to notice the same type of answer that keeps coming back:
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Call me a sucker for shameless commercialism but I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day. It’s an opportunity for me to step back, smell the roses (sold by price-gouging entrepreneurial florists), and appreciate my relationship.
“But shouldn’t you be doing that every day anyway?” says my anti-V Day friends.
Well, yes, I suppose so. Of course we should be appreciating our partners every day, 24/7, 365 days a year. Who can argue with that?
I don’t know about you, but for me and my husband, life often gets in the way. Household chores, paying the bills, kids, work issues… When life gets crazy, it’s hard to find time for romance.
Enter Valentine’s Day.
Your partner may forget your birthday. Your partner may even forget your anniversary, especially if you have been together long enough to have multiple anniversaries — for the day you met, your first date, when you got engaged, and of course, your wedding.
But he’d have to be blind as a bat and living under a rock during the months of January and February to miss all the gargantuan V Day displays that every supermarket and drugstore puts up.
There is simply no excuse for forgetting Valentine’s Day!
Today, I will make sure to appreciate my husband even more than I usually do, because he is an amazing guy and I am truly blessed to have him.
I wish you and your partner a Happy Valentine’s Day!
First, a disclaimer. My husband and I fight. A lot. And we don’t always fight fair.
So how the heck am I qualified to write this post, you ask? Well, we all make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them. In writing this post, I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning!) in how NOT to fight.
I had to learn this stuff the hard way, and to this day, I don’t always take my own advice. Forcing yourself to fight fair is hard! Even when you know what you should — or should not — be doing, it’s easy to slip in the heat of the moment.
So the next time you and your partner fight, try to keep these pointers in mind:
1. A Look is Worth a Thousand Words
You’ve probably all heard the old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. The same goes for that killer look you shoot your partner every time he or she pisses you off.
You may think you are exercising the utmost self-control by keeping your mouth shut when every cell inside your body wants to scream at your partner and rattle off insults, but make sure your eyes aren’t doing the dirty work for you by giving your partner the death glare.
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One of the biggest problems age gap couples face is opposition from family members, namely, The Parents.
Parental opposition can come in many forms, ranging from silent disapproval to flat-out disownment. Either way, the negativity and conflict can be very stressful for your relationship.
If you’re facing this problem right now, take heart! Things will get better eventually. In the meantime, here are some tips to stay sane:
1. Don’t Take It Personally
Your parents may be flipping out and calling your partner every rotten name in the book. “What would someone HIS age want with someone YOUR age???” they would rant and rave.
It’s going to take inhuman strength on your part but try not to let it shake you. And don’t bother trying to respond with logical counterargument — “No, Mom, he is NOT a pervert!” — because what you’re responding to often has no logical basis in the first place.
Unless your parents have actually met your partner and have good reason to be concerned, like if they feel your partner is controlling or maybe you’re just a bad match for reasons unrelated to age, your parents’ rantings are purely emotional.
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There are a lot of abbreviations that get thrown about on this site and in our Forums that many people may not understand.
What to do? What to do?
Have no fear! We have compiled a handy-dandy list of common abbreviations for your convenience. Simply bookmark this list and refer to it as often as needed.
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Age gap relationships aren’t for everybody. Relationships are hard enough as is, and when you throw in an age gap too, well, let’s just say it certainly doesn’t make things easier.
With that said, I do believe there are certain personality traits that make one better suited for an age gap relationship. Take a look at this 5-point checklist and see how much of it describes good ol’ wonderful you:
1. Do You Have a Thick Skin?
I think this is the most important trait of all. We all worry about what other people think to a certain extent, but if you’re the type that gets into a tizzy every time someone makes a comment about your relationship (and believe me, there will be plenty of those) or looks at you funny on the street, you’re going to have a tough time.
People say dumb things for many reasons — maybe they’re just naturally rude or maybe it’s just plain dopiness — and when that happens, you need to be able to let the comment roll off your back. And if people stare at you and your partner on the street, hey, maybe they’re just admiring how fabulous you two look together!
2. Do You Enjoy Trying New Things?
If there is a big age gap between you, chances are you and your partner have very different life experiences. For example, my husband grew up in the ’50s/’60s whereas I grew up in the ’70s/’80s. He still remembers what he was doing the day JFK was assassinated and the day Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon — events that I can only experience through history books or old newspaper articles.
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It seems strange to kick off a relationship blog with a post about money. After all, love and money don’t mix…or do they?
Talk to any therapist or divorce lawyer and you’ll quickly discover that money is one of the top things couples fight about. Unless you happen to be one of those lucky gold diggers/sugar daddies [insert heavy sarcasm here] that the age gap relationship naysayers keep ranting about, the issue of money will be a prominent one in your relationship.
With the economy in its current sorry-ass state, I find myself becoming increasingly obsessed concerned about money: Do we have enough $$$ to cover the bills this month? Are we paying down our debts fast enough? Will my husband or I get laid off? What about saving for retirement, assuming we can afford to retire at all? The list goes on.
[Edited to add: Note that we never obsess about all the GOOD things that can happen to us, like winning the lottery. But I digress. That's for another post.]
My husband and I have very different attitudes about money, and I can’t really tell how much of that is due to different personalities in general or our age gap in particular. It’s probably a little bit of both. I am the quintessential saver (although I do indulge in the occasional retail therapy) whereas my husband is the quintessential spender.
A quick informal survey of other age gap couples I know reveals three common issues when it comes to age gap relationships and money:
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January 2010 marks the 4th anniversary of MIND THE age GAP. Believe it or not, this site was launched waaaaaaaaay back in January 2006 as a spin-off from the evil Galactic Empire another site. Little did I know that what started off on a whim would eventually grow into a stand-alone site in its own right and a real labor of love for me.
Over the years, my participation on this site both as a member and as the administrator has ebbed and flowed, depending on what my real-life circumstances were at any given time. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a full-time corporate lawyer with a 9-month-old baby at home, so unfortunately I don’t get to spend as much time as I’d like to on the site.
This has been made worse by the fact that I personally don’t have much need for age gap relationship support these days. With my own age gap relationship going into its 7th year (yikes!), I have learned to come to terms with much of the age gap-related issues I used to have. I debated closing the site but somehow that just didn’t feel right. I have made so many friends here and I’d miss you guys too much!
This new blog format is my attempt to strike a compromise between keeping this site online to help others and making it fun and challenging for me. Having gone through many of the same issues that age gap couples typically face, I figured I could ramble on and on share what I learned about age gap relationships here.
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