This is not so much a relationship support article as one about life in general.

Many years ago, a very wise friend asked me the following question:

“Are you happy?”

Seems like an easy enough question, right? But it rendered me speechless at the time. My brain was racing.

“What is happiness anyway?” I finally blurted out, desperate to mask my discomfort with pseudo philosophical babble.

My friend was not fooled.

This question of happiness applies to love as well. I often ask the people I meet if they are happy in their relationships. Over the years, I begin to notice the same type of answer that keeps coming back:

“I will be happy when my partner finally proposes.”

“I’ll be happy when my partner [inserts desired activity here].”

“When my family accepts my age gap relationship, then I will be happy.”

“My partner is so much older than me. It’s hard for me to be happy when I don’t know how much time we will have together.”

“I can be happy if only my partner’s ex will leave us alone!”

“I will be happy if my partner and I can stop fighting about stupid shit.”

Sound familiar?

Many of us subconsciously withhold happiness from ourselves until some external event occurs. We hold our happiness hostage, using the prospect of releasing it at some future date as a way to manage our present behavior.

This inability to stay in the present — a skill so essential for life in general but especially for those of us who find ourselves in age gap relationships — is a certain recipe for stress, anxiety, and unhappiness.

If you are constantly keeping your happiness at arms’ length, then how can you truly enjoy and appreciate your relationship now?

And make no mistake — the only thing we have that’s real is now. The past is already gone and tomorrow may never come. What you have now is today.

So enjoy this day with your partner and be grateful that you have each other!

Call me a sucker for shameless commercialism but I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day. It’s an opportunity for me to step back, smell the roses (sold by price-gouging entrepreneurial florists), and appreciate my relationship.

“But shouldn’t you be doing that every day anyway?” says my anti-V Day friends.

Well, yes, I suppose so. Of course we should be appreciating our partners every day, 24/7, 365 days a year. Who can argue with that?

I don’t know about you, but for me and my husband, life often gets in the way. Household chores, paying the bills, kids, work issues… When life gets crazy, it’s hard to find time for romance.

Enter Valentine’s Day.

Your partner may forget your birthday. Your partner may even forget your anniversary, especially if you have been together long enough to have multiple anniversaries — for the day you met, your first date, when you got engaged, and of course, your wedding.

But he’d have to be blind as a bat and living under a rock during the months of January and February to miss all the gargantuan V Day displays that every supermarket and drugstore puts up.

There is simply no excuse for forgetting Valentine’s Day!

Today, I will make sure to appreciate my husband even more than I usually do, because he is an amazing guy and I am truly blessed to have him.

I wish you and your partner a Happy Valentine’s Day!

First, a disclaimer. My husband and I fight. A lot. And we don’t always fight fair.

So how the heck am I qualified to write this post, you ask? Well, we all make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them. In writing this post, I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning!) in how NOT to fight.

I had to learn this stuff the hard way, and to this day, I don’t always take my own advice. Forcing yourself to fight fair is hard! Even when you know what you should — or should not — be doing, it’s easy to slip in the heat of the moment.

So the next time you and your partner fight, try to keep these pointers in mind:

1. A Look is Worth a Thousand Words

You’ve probably all heard the old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. The same goes for that killer look you shoot your partner every time he or she pisses you off.

You may think you are exercising the utmost self-control by keeping your mouth shut when every cell inside your body wants to scream at your partner and rattle off insults, but make sure your eyes aren’t doing the dirty work for you by giving your partner the death glare.

You don’t actually have to call your partner an asshole or a bitch to make him or her feel like one. A nasty look is worth a thousand nasty words!

2. Think Twice Before You Speak

It’s easy to say nasty things in the heat of the moment, but before you let the words escape your mouth, stop for a second and ask yourself this one question:

If you were to die today, do you really want the last thing you say to your partner to be what you’re about to say?

Because if not, then zip it! Sure, you can always beg for forgiveness later and tell your partner that you were just angry, that you didn’t really mean what you said, that you take it all back.

Your partner may forgive you, but unfortunately, you can’t un-ring a bell. Once you say something, it’s out there for good. There’s no taking it back.

3. Stick to the Issue At Hand

When couples fight, it can be so tempting to drag in other unrelated grievances. Don’t do it! Otherwise, what starts off as a minor, easily resolvable argument may quickly snowball into an all-out fight of epic proportions.

So if, say, you asked your partner to take out the garbage and he forgot, you can be pissed off, but in your annoyance, do not bring up that time two months ago when you asked him to pick up your favorite ice cream at the supermarket and he also forgot then, so obviously he doesn’t listen to you, which means he doesn’t care, because if he really loved you, he would pay more attention, right? RIGHT?

Um, no. Stick with the issue at hand and don’t go dragging up the past. First of all, it clouds the current issue. Second, you’ll only end up overwhelming your partner into being defensive and/or wanting to give up, neither of which is good for your relationship.

4. Don’t Hold Grudges

This goes hand in hand with #3. Holding grudges will only make it harder for you to stick to the current issue during a fight, so don’t do it. Learn to forgive and forget. Tomorrow is a new day and your relationship deserves a fresh start.

5. Pick Your Battles

Sometimes couples fight about the same things over and over, with no end in sight. If this describes you and your partner, think about what you’re really fighting about and whether it’s worth all the pain and misery you are inflicting on each other.

In my experience, there are only a few “dealbreaker” issues, and they are different for everyone. Fidelity, honesty, trust, respect, whether or not to have children — those are the biggies for me.

Does it annoy me when my husband makes a huge mess in the house? Sure. Does it annoy me when he keeps leaving the toilet seat up or when he forgets to put the milk carton back in the fridge? You betcha. Are any of these things worth launching World War III over? Probably not.

What are YOUR biggies? You have to figure out what issues are important to you and what your personal bottom line is. Anything else is just not worth fighting about.

6. Know When to Extend (or Accept) an Olive Branch

Know when to end a fight. Don’t let things drag on out of principle or because you want to “win”. There are no winners when you and your partner fight — just two very unhappy losers.

By following these simple ground rules, you and your partner will hopefully be able to resolve conflicts as quickly and painlessly as possible. Learning how to fight fair is hard work but it is definitely worth the effort!

One of the biggest problems age gap couples face is opposition from family members, namely, The Parents.

Parental opposition can come in many forms, ranging from silent disapproval to flat-out disownment. Either way, the negativity and conflict can be very stressful for your relationship.

If you’re facing this problem right now, take heart! Things will get better eventually. In the meantime, here are some tips to stay sane:

1. Don’t Take It Personally

Your parents may be flipping out and calling your partner every rotten name in the book. “What would someone HIS age want with someone YOUR age???” they would rant and rave.

It’s going to take inhuman strength on your part but try not to let it shake you. And don’t bother trying to respond with logical counterargument — “No, Mom, he is NOT a pervert!” — because what you’re responding to often has no logical basis in the first place.

Unless your parents have actually met your partner and have good reason to be concerned, like if they feel your partner is controlling or maybe you’re just a bad match for reasons unrelated to age, your parents’ rantings are purely emotional.

2. Give Your Parents Time

Oftentimes parents flip out only because they’re worried about you and they don’t want to see you get hurt. No matter how old you are, you will always be their little baby and it can be hard for them to accept the fact that you are all grown up.

Once they get to know your partner and see just how great you are together, they will come around. But all this takes time. That’s why you should try to stay on good terms with them so that when they finally do come around, you won’t be so angry and resentful that you end up rejecting them.

3. Respect Your Relationship

Although you should respect your parents’ feelings about your relationship, you should also respect your relationship. There is a fine line between not rocking the boat with your parents and letting them walk all over your partner.

For example, your parents may refuse to acknowledge your relationship and pretend that your partner doesn’t exist. If you mention your partner in conversation, they will quickly change the topic. If they invite you to family events, they will not invite your partner even though everyone else will be bringing their significant others. Your parents may even try to set you up with someone else!

At some point, you have to draw the line. That means gently reminding your parents that you have a wonderful person in your life and they may as well get used to it. You and your partner come as a packaged deal!

Worst Case Scenario

If your parents are so freaked out that they threaten to disown you, you will have to decide if your relationship is worth the risk of losing your parents. Only you can make that decision.

In addition, if you’re still in school or if you’re in any way financially dependent on your parents, you’ll have to figure out how to make up the lost income once they withdraw their support. It’ll be really tough for a while — I won’t lie to you — but it will not be the end of the world. Your freedom is priceless.

Ultimately, regardless of what happens in your relationship, it is never a bad thing to become financially independent and self-reliant. After all, you want to show your parents that you’re an adult who is capable of making sound decisions, both in life and in love, so you may as well start now!

There are a lot of abbreviations that get thrown about on this site and in our Forums that many people may not understand.

What to do? What to do?

Have no fear! We have compiled a handy-dandy list of common abbreviations for your convenience. Simply bookmark this list and refer to it as often as needed.

The Handy-Dandy List:

2WW (see also “TWW”) = 2 Week Wait (the time between a woman’s ovulation and when her next period is expected to appear)

AF = Aunt Flo (a woman’s period)

AGR = Age Gap Relationship

BTW = By The Way

DD = Dear Daughter

DF = Dear Fiance(e)

DH = Dear Husband (or “Damn Husband”, depending on the context!)

DS = Dear Son

DSD = Dear Step-Daughter

DSS = Dear Step-Son

FIL = Father-In-Law

IMHO = In My Honest/Humble Opinion

IMO = In My Opinion

KWIM = Know What I Mean?

LOL = Laugh Out Loud

MDR = May-December Relationship (another term for age gap relationship; “May”, i.e. springtime or youth, refers to the younger partner, whereas “December”, i.e. winter, refers to the older partner)

MIL = Mother-In-Law

MTaG = MIND THE age GAP

OM = Older Man

OMG = Oh My God

OM/yw = Older Man / Younger Woman (refers to an age gap where the man is the older partner)

OW = Older Woman

OP = Original Poster (the person who started the thread)

OW/ym = Older Woman / Younger Man (refers to an age gap where the woman is the older partner)

ROFL = Rolling On Floor Laughing

ROFLAO = Rolling On Floor Laughing Ass Off

SO = Significant Other

TTC = Trying To Conceive

TWW (see also “2WW”) = Two Week Wait (the time between a woman’s ovulation and when her next period is expected to appear)

YM = Younger Man

YW = Younger Woman

VYM = Very Young Man (refers to a younger male partner who is 18-21 years old)

VYW = Very Young Woman (refers to a younger female partner who is 18-21 years old)

If you come across other abbreviations that are not on here, please submit them in the Comment box below and I’d be glad to add them.

Age gap relationships aren’t for everybody. Relationships are hard enough as is, and when you throw in an age gap too, well, let’s just say it certainly doesn’t make things easier.

With that said, I do believe there are certain personality traits that make one better suited for an age gap relationship. Take a look at this 5-point checklist and see how much of it describes good ol’ wonderful you:

1. Do You Have a Thick Skin?

I think this is the most important trait of all. We all worry about what other people think to a certain extent, but if you’re the type that gets into a tizzy every time someone makes a comment about your relationship (and believe me, there will be plenty of those) or looks at you funny on the street, you’re going to have a tough time.

People say dumb things for many reasons — maybe they’re just naturally rude or maybe it’s just plain dopiness — and when that happens, you need to be able to let the comment roll off your back. And if people stare at you and your partner on the street, hey, maybe they’re just admiring how fabulous you two look together!

2. Do You Enjoy Trying New Things?

If there is a big age gap between you, chances are you and your partner have very different life experiences. For example, my husband grew up in the ’50s/’60s whereas I grew up in the ’70s/’80s. He still remembers what he was doing the day JFK was assassinated and the day Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon — events that I can only experience through history books or old newspaper articles.

If you and your partner come from different countries or have different ethnic or religious backgrounds, get ready to bridge an even wider gap. You may be exposed to different languages, foods, customs, cultural references — things that you and your partner may have previously taken for granted in your respective former plain vanilla relationships.

3. Do You Go With the Flow?

If your partner is older, chances are he hasn’t been living the life of a Tibetan monk before you swept him off his feet. He may be married before (sometimes more than once) and may have kids from a prior relationship. Same principle applies if you’re a dude and your partner is an older woman.

In any situation where there are exes and kids involved, be prepared to expect the unexpected. Visitation issues, money issues, jealousy issues…the list goes on. The kids may hate you. The exes will most definitely hate you. How well you and your partner weather this hurdle will largely depend on how flexible and resourceful you are.

If you’re the older partner, try to keep your younger partner in the loop with what’s going on in your life, especially if they involve your ex and kids. I can personally attest to the fact that it sucks having to go through a relationship always feeling like the other shoe might drop at any moment.

4. Are You Assertive?

This trait may seem contradictory to the previous trait, but in reality, they work very well together. Yes, it’s important to be flexible and open-minded, but it’s just as important to be assertive in setting healthy limits and boundaries.

“Going with the flow” does not mean being a doormat. In any given situation, you need to figure out what your personal bottom line is and be able to speak up for yourself if someone has crossed it.

For example, a common situation is where someone hides his or her age gap relationship from family and friends, for fear of disapproval and ridicule. If your partner isn’t comfortable integrating you into his or her life just yet, you need to decide how long, if at all, you’re willing to be hidden in the closet.

5. Do You Focus on the Present?

Oftentimes when people enter into an age gap relationship, a switch gets flipped on in their brains and they begin to do a series of compulsive mental calculations, which go something like this:

“If I’m 25 now and he’s 45, that means in ten years, I’ll be 35 and he’ll be 55, which means when I’m 50, he’ll be 70, and when I’m 65, he’ll be…ZOMG!!!”

Does this sound familiar to you?

Well, I’m here to tell you to stop that nonsense right now. You’ll only drive yourself and everybody around you crazy. Your age gap relationship is a living, breathing being — it’s not just numbers on a sheet of paper.

Yes, the numbers are real; and yes, it is an ugly truth of life that we all eventually die. But just because someone is older — even significantly older — than you doesn’t automatically mean that he or she will go first. Life is not that predictable.

Don’t ruin the love and joy you have right now with excessive worrying over what may or may not happen in the future. A great way to reduce anxiety about the future is to focus on the present. In future posts, we will explore just exactly how to do that.

Final Analysis

If you said “yes” to the majority of items on the list, congratulations! Although being in an age gap relationship will still not be a cakewalk for you, you’ll have a much better chance of having a happy and relatively drama-free relationship.

If you said “no” to the majority of items on the list, being in an age gap relationship is not impossible for you, but you may have to work harder at not letting things get you down.

In either case, finding a small group of friends who you can vent to on a regular basis will be tremendously helpful as you navigate the ins-and-outs of your age gap relationship. Be sure to visit our Forums so you can meet other people who are in the same boat as you!

It seems strange to kick off a relationship blog with a post about money. After all, love and money don’t mix…or do they?

Talk to any therapist or divorce lawyer and you’ll quickly discover that money is one of the top things couples fight about. Unless you happen to be one of those lucky gold diggers/sugar daddies [insert heavy sarcasm here] that the age gap relationship naysayers keep ranting about, the issue of money will be a prominent one in your relationship.

With the economy in its current sorry-ass state, I find myself becoming increasingly obsessed concerned about money: Do we have enough $$$ to cover the bills this month? Are we paying down our debts fast enough? Will my husband or I get laid off? What about saving for retirement, assuming we can afford to retire at all? The list goes on.

[Edited to add: Note that we never obsess about all the GOOD things that can happen to us, like winning the lottery. But I digress. That's for another post.]

My husband and I have very different attitudes about money, and I can’t really tell how much of that is due to different personalities in general or our age gap in particular. It’s probably a little bit of both. I am the quintessential saver (although I do indulge in the occasional retail therapy) whereas my husband is the quintessential spender.

A quick informal survey of other age gap couples I know reveals three common issues when it comes to age gap relationships and money:

1. “Me Tarzan, You Jane”

This mindset plagues men in non-age gap relationships too, but it is especially prevalent in age gap relationships. It seems that despite the many strides made by the feminist movement, there is still a nagging thought in our collective societal psyche that a man “should” be the sole, or at least the main, breadwinner.

Throw an age gap into the equation and the situation often gets worse. A younger man may feel pressure to “catch up” to his older, more financially established wife; whereas an older man may beat himself up for not being able to “take care” of his younger wife.

If your partner feels this way, remind him that you are BOTH in this relationship together, and goddammit, you guys are a team!

2. “Whoever Pays the Piper Calls The Tune”

You often hear the saying that money equals power. Whenever I raise the topic of age gap relationships with the uninitiated, the common image that gets conjured up is one where a domineering older partner uses money to control his or her pretty young thang.

But the reverse can also be true, such as when a younger partner makes more money or has more disposable income. For example, a younger woman may become resentful of the fact that a significant chunk of her husband’s paycheck goes to his ex-wife in the form of alimony and child support payments.

If you and your partner have this issue, you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. And the sooner the better. Nothing poisons a relationship faster than a power struggle.

3. “You Can’t Take It With You”

I personally have a hard time with this one. Every time my husband and I fight have animated discussions about money, he would rest his case on this position. “It’s just money,” he would say, often with an exasperated sigh.

This annoys the heck out of me, partly because I feel he’s being dismissive, and partly because I think he has a point. Sometimes we worry so much about money that it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Or, in the words of my the-cup-is-half-full husband, “at least we don’t have cancer.” (If anyone has a good comeback to this equally annoying line of thinking, please let me know.)

I’m sure there are other money issues that age gap couples face, but these three are what I hear about most often. And to be fair, they often exist in non-age gap relationships too.

I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences. How do you and your partner deal with money issues?

January 2010 marks the 4th anniversary of MIND THE age GAP. Believe it or not, this site was launched waaaaaaaaay back in January 2006 as a spin-off from the evil Galactic Empire another site. Little did I know that what started off on a whim would eventually grow into a stand-alone site in its own right and a real labor of love for me.

Over the years, my participation on this site both as a member and as the administrator has ebbed and flowed, depending on what my real-life circumstances were at any given time. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a full-time corporate lawyer with a 9-month-old baby at home, so unfortunately I don’t get to spend as much time as I’d like to on the site.

This has been made worse by the fact that I personally don’t have much need for age gap relationship support these days. With my own age gap relationship going into its 7th year (yikes!), I have learned to come to terms with much of the age gap-related issues I used to have. I debated closing the site but somehow that just didn’t feel right. I have made so many friends here and I’d miss you guys too much!

This new blog format is my attempt to strike a compromise between keeping this site online to help others and making it fun and challenging for me. Having gone through many of the same issues that age gap couples typically face, I figured I could ramble on and on share what I learned about age gap relationships here.

Please note that I am not a professional therapist or relationship counselor. I’m just an average gal who found herself falling in love with a man 20 years older and asked herself the same question that I’m sure you’ve asked yourself a million times:

“Can an age gap relationship really work???”

Happily, the answer is yes!

On this site, you’ll find information about age gap relationships and related topics. Please remember that everything you read here is my own personal opinion. Never believe everything you read, and always listen to your gut.

This site is a success because of support from readers like you. If you have any suggestions to improve the site, please feel free to submit them. For those who are new here, please also check out our Forums where you can meet other like-minded people.

Be sure to bookmark this page and check back often!