Need help reaching out to step-daughter

Ok, some of you already know my story but here's a quick recap for those who don't:

My step-daughter is 14, soon-to-be 15. I met her when she was 12. We had a warm and friendly relationship while Hubby and I were dating, but soon after we got engaged and married, my relationship with her has been strained. She is weirded out by the age difference (though this was never an issue before we got engaged), but the real issue is she doesn't like the thought of her dad remarrying period. Her mother has a live-in bf which she is fine with, as long as they don't get married. Now that she is a full-blown teen, she doesn't even want to see her dad or any of Hubby's family (grandpa, uncles and aunts, cousins, etc.), let alone her new stepmother. Due to visitation troubles with Hubby's ex (which we're currently trying to sort out at court), we don't get any regular access to the kids at all. I haven't seen her in months. :(

Anyway, I want to reach out to her by sending her an email. Basically, I want to validate her feelings that she feels caught in the middle between Dad and Mom and the last thing she wants to deal with is her dad and me. I'm leery about going to her school concerts or dance recitals because I don't think she wants me there, but I don't want her to think that I don't go because I'm not interested, because I am! I want to tell her that I miss her and I also miss all those stupid chain emails she used to send me that drove me crazy! :D I want to tell her that I want us to be friends again and maybe we can hang out this summer. She's at the age where she wants to spend all her free time with her friends. Sigh... :(

What to do? What to do? Help me write this email. I want it to come across sincere and soulful, but not sappy or melodramatic (especially since she might show it to her mother :rolleyes:). Help!

Hmmm...quite the dilemma.

What about a quick e-mail saying "I'm always here if you want to be friends and if you ever want to talk about stuff."

I wouldn't get too melodramatic, but I wouldn't fall off the face of the earth either.

you know she is only 14 and although that's a little bit more mature then 12 she's going through that early tennage phase, I'm sure in a few years when she relizes that her dad is happy with you and she's a little older she'll be able to deal with all of the issues( step-parents, going back and forth, mom and dad split up exc exc) she'll except it more and more.....

It defintely wouldn't hurt you to send her an email telling her that you miss talking with her and that you would like to be involved in some part of her life, but if not that's fine, you understand the situation.....

Ok, some of you already know my story but here's a quick recap for those who don't:

My step-daughter is 14, soon-to-be 15. I met her when she was 12. We had a warm and friendly relationship while Hubby and I were dating, but soon after we got engaged and married, my relationship with her has been strained. She is weirded out by the age difference (though this was never an issue before we got engaged), but the real issue is she doesn't like the thought of her dad remarrying period. Her mother has a live-in bf which she is fine with, as long as they don't get married. Now that she is a full-blown teen, she doesn't even want to see her dad or any of Hubby's family (grandpa, uncles and aunts, cousins, etc.), let alone her new stepmother. Due to visitation troubles with Hubby's ex (which we're currently trying to sort out at court), we don't get any regular access to the kids at all. I haven't seen her in months. :(

Anyway, I want to reach out to her by sending her an email. Basically, I want to validate her feelings that she feels caught in the middle between Dad and Mom and the last thing she wants to deal with is her dad and me. I'm leery about going to her school concerts or dance recitals because I don't think she wants me there, but I don't want her to think that I don't go because I'm not interested, because I am! I want to tell her that I miss her and I also miss all those stupid chain emails she used to send me that drove me crazy! :D I want to tell her that I want us to be friends again and maybe we can hang out this summer. She's at the age where she wants to spend all her free time with her friends. Sigh... :(

What to do? What to do? Help me write this email. I want it to come across sincere and soulful, but not sappy or melodramatic (especially since she might show it to her mother :rolleyes:). Help!

What about a quick e-mail saying "I'm always here if you want to be friends and if you ever want to talk about stuff."

But I've been doing that for the past year! :(

I can keep on doing it, but as the months go by, I feel more and more estranged from her. I used to know what all her favorite stuff are--movies, music, clothes, colors, food, etc.. But now, I feel like I barely know her at all.

I just feel I need to do something a little more than my usual "Hey, how's it going? I'm here if you need me"-type spiel. But then again, I don't want to scare her away either with a long, heartwrenching email.

AARRRGHHHHH!

She's know that you want to be involved in some way, unfortuntely for you she doesn't feel the same way.....These things take time...So you might just have to let it be....

I agree with Wcoloto. Unfortunately your hands are tied. She's a teenager, and she's going through a lot right now. At least when she gets older she'll have a mailbox full of friendly e-mails from you to remind her that you cared all along. :o

she knows you're there if you'vve been telling her.

if your fighting in court let mom and dad hash it out till viistiation is restored.

i'd back off. 14 is a sucky age.


and kids no matter what pretty much want their parents back together.... yiu marrying daddy ruined that fantasy for them.

I hear what y'all are saying, but I feel that if I give up, then that's pretty much it for me and her.

I don't want to push myself on her, but on the other hand, if I don't do anything, she'll continue to drift away. In 4 years, she'll be going off to college and she'll be a virtual stranger!

Is there NOTHING else I can do? :(

Emzak, have you tried to approach her from the perspective of a friend, rather than as "the stepmom"? I dunno exactly what I'm trying to say, but does she understand that you like her as a friend and because of who she is, and that you miss her as a friend, regardless of what is going on between her mom and dad and court etc? I'd try to focus on that and hope that she can see beyond the fact that you are her dad's new wife, and maybe she can get back to enjoying talking/hanging out with you.

This is a very tough situation to be in because you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

I'm all for openness and communication, although that doesn't always work. Even though you've emailed her before and didn't get a response, I'd try again. Just to tell her that you do understand what she's going through, and that you care about her and respect her feelings.

Until things are finally settled between her parents, you will probably always be seen as the adversary....even if the children really know that the issues have nothing to do with you. Kids think their parents can do no wrong, so it's easier to blame someone else. You are the interloper in their lives....all their lives.

But it won't always be that way. As they get older they'll realize that none of it had anything to do with you. They'll see how much you love their father and as long as he's happy, that will be the most important thing to them.

You are a wonderful, loving, sweet, kind woman, Em....they'll know that. It will never be too late.

I've been thinking about this more last night and I realized maybe my expectations are too high. I mean, here I am hoping that one single email could turn almost a year of minimal contact around. I've decided that baby steps is the way to go--if I can just get her to put me back on her mailing list so that we can start, say, monthly or even biweekly email contact, that would already be a big improvement. It's also a lot more non-threatening from HER point of view (or at least I hope). Thanks, guys, for helping me set better expectations with this or else I would've been crushed if she responded negatively or not at all.

Emzak, have you tried to approach her from the perspective of a friend, rather than as "the stepmom"? I dunno exactly what I'm trying to say, but does she understand that you like her as a friend and because of who she is, and that you miss her as a friend, regardless of what is going on between her mom and dad and court etc?

Annie, I like this idea a lot! Back when Hubby first broke the news to her about our engagement, he said "Don't worry, she won't try to be your mother", and she responded with "No, but she can be my friend." I will definitely emphasize the friend thing when I email her.

((((((HUGS))))))

Hey you, it's Emzak. I've been wanting to email you for the longest time and I'm sorry I haven't. Hope you didn't think I forgot about you, or that I don't care. The truth is I've missed hanging out with you talking about One Tree Hill and stuff. The other day at Starbucks they played Hoobastank-The Reason from your CD collection and it made me think of you. I'm trying to give you space because I know you're going thru a lot with your mom and dad, but I hope you know I'll always be your friend no matter what. Hey please put me back on your mailing list because I miss all the mass emails you used to send me and your friends. Good luck tomorrow with Chorus!

* * *

Too much? Not enough? Any suggestions welcome!

It's perfect, Em! Friendly, light, but also warm and open.

Yep. It's perfect. :D
~phos

She's know that you want to be involved in some way, unfortuntely for you she doesn't feel the same way.....These things take time...So you might just have to let it be....

I totally disagree. I bet dollars to donuts she feels the exact opposite. She wants to be friends, she wants you involved but feels a loyalty to her mom would be betrayed should she invite you in. KWIM?

I have a 14 yr old step-daughter. And you know what? We haven't seen either one of my husbands daughters much in the past 4 years. I don't go to any of the extra curricular things for them. The ex is always looking for some fight or another. While never to my face, still there all the same. So, I only have contact on the rare occasions they are here. Or the very occasional e-mail.

A couple of months ago the 14 yr.old was here. I go to the gym now, so I invited her along. Never thought in a million years she'd come. We had a good time. Even though she was more of a P.I.T.A in my routine than anything. About 3 weeks later I get a very quick instant message telling me she loved going with me to the gym and can't wait to go again if I'd want her there. To which I said of course. She said she had a good time and missed me. I haven't heard a peep since. Open/closed.

I know she likes being with me, we used to have a tight bond. I also know it will be a few more years until she realizes that I have nothing to do with what her mother has done all these years. I can wait. I will be worth it.

Your e-mail to your step-daughter (above) is perfect!!! Not to little, not to much. She is only 14 and wouldn't read a long winded I miss you, anyways. She knows as much as you want her to know, even though she doesn't acknowledge.

~Jenna

I'm so going to be late for work for this, but I needed to share it with you to give you some hope. I've been in J's (Leigh's son) life for about a year now. For a while, he didn't want to come over at all. It hurt my feelings a bit, but I just let it roll off and attributed it to the age...which is 16. Well, in the past few months, we've added him to our gym membership. Now he goes about 3 times a week with Leigh and I to work out. Then, about a month ago, he asked to spend the weekend with us. I was shocked! But, we had a great time watching movies, chillin, ect. He's come over again and loves it. Now, if I'm not going to the gym, he likes to come to our place to say hi, give me a hard time :), and get a poptart. Well, I had to work last night so I wasn't home till about 10:30pm, so when he asked to come back to our place, Leigh had to tell him I was working. He was bummed! He asked how my job was going and if I was going to be working alot of nights. That made me feel so good! I said all this to say, Em, that you're on the right track. Just give her as much space as she needs, but keep your doors open, so to speak. She'll walk through in her own time. Great e-mail. :)

Alanna

Awww thanks guys!!! I haven't sent the email yet (nervous) but I will soon.

I totally disagree. I bet dollars to donuts she feels the exact opposite. She wants to be friends, she wants you involved but feels a loyalty to her mom would be betrayed should she invite you in. KWIM?

Jenna, I think this is EXACTLY what's happening. I get the feeling that Hubby's ex gets annoyed if the kids tell her they had a good time hanging out with HIM (let alone me), so now even if we had a great time, they either tell her it sucks or it was boring. She in turn twists this around to say "See? The kids don't want to see you." :rolleyes:

Awww thanks guys!!! I haven't sent the email yet (nervous) but I will soon.



Jenna, I think this is EXACTLY what's happening. I get the feeling that Hubby's ex gets annoyed if the kids tell her they had a good time hanging out with HIM (let alone me), so now even if we had a great time, they either tell her it sucks or it was boring. She in turn twists this around to say "See? The kids don't want to see you." :rolleyes:

I could tell you nightmare stories of the things "our" ex (that's what I call her cuz, she's like the 3rd wheel) that would curl your toes. But,I haven't got the energy to waste;)

SEND THE E-MAIL EM!! RIGHT NOW, TODAY, SHOULDA DONE IT ALREADY!!WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR:eek: SEND IT!SENDIT!SENDIT!SENDIT!

~Jenna

Oh, and if you are hoping she'll reply, ask her for advice on something she's good at - like 'I'm looking for a **** but don't know what kind to get. I know you know a lot about it so was hoping you might have any ideas?' - something like that validates her opinions and makes her feel important to you.

Oh, and if you are hoping she'll reply, ask her for advice on something she's good at - like 'I'm looking for a **** but don't know what kind to get. Any ideas?' - something like that validates her opinions and makes her feel important to you.


AWESOME suggestion Marianna...

Thanks for saying that, Nessa!

Interesting. You just validated my opinion and now I feel closer to you! Momma.;)

That is a great idea Marianna!!!

Em? Have ya sent the e-mail yet? Revise to ask advice on something.

~Jenna

That is a great idea Marianna!!!

Em? Have ya sent the e-mail yet? Revise to ask advice on something.

~Jenna
Ooooh that is a good idea, Marianna. Good thing I've been procrastinating and haven't sent the email yet! ;) *ducks and runs from Jenna* :D

Hmmmm, lemme think of something good to ask her...

Ooooh that is a good idea, Marianna. Good thing I've been procrastinating and haven't sent the email yet! ;) *ducks and runs from Jenna* :D

Hmmmm, lemme think of something good to ask her...


Fine........I'll hurry up and wait:p

~Jenna

Good thing I've been procrastinating

Ah. My favourite pasttime. We should start a procrastinating club. Sometime! :rolleyes:

Ok. I finally got off my ass and sent the email to my stepdaughter. I made some minor changes. Here's the final product:


Hey you. I've been wanting to email you for ages and I'm sorry I waited so long. Hope you didn't think I forgot about you, or that I don't care. Truth is I've missed hanging out and emailing with ya, but I know you're going thru a lot with your mom and dad so I'm trying to give you space. Are you still mad about graduation? For what it's worth, I'm glad I got to share in your special day, but I'm sorry if my being there caused you trouble. Hope you know I'll always be your friend no matter what. Also, are you dying to see the One Tree Hill finale like I am--who do you think wrote "MURDERER" on Dan's wall??!??!

Regarding graduation last June, she was mad because she only wanted her dad there but Hubby brought me, his dad, a sister-in-law and two nieces (i.e. her aunt and cousins). This resulted in conflict between Hubby and his ex (surprise surprise :rolleyes:) and the poor girl ended up in tears by the end of the day. I'm trying not to take it personally that she didn't want me there, but it's hard! :(

Anyway, I figured it'd be strange to email her out of the blue after almost a year and pretend that nothing happened. That said, I wanted to keep the email as light as possible.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I think it sounds good!

Emazak's story is somewhat like mine. My boyfriend has 3 kids and in the beginning his kids always talked to me and were my friend. Once we began dating it became very weird for them. The oldest was ok with it but the 2 younger girls were not. There were times when I used to take them to the mall and shop the sort of stuff the teenagers like to do and things were good. Lately though they seem to be fading away. They never talk to me very much anymore when he has the kids every other weekend and I hardley see them. I would like to establish more of a relationship with them and I thought I had but now things are different. I tend to think it could be a hormonal thing on their part or maybe embarassment. When talking to my boyfriend about it, he insists that they like me and have no problem with me but they sure dont act like it. It gets frustrating.

I know exactly what you mean! How old are your bf's kids?

Have you heard anything from your stepdaughter yet, Emzak?

Have you heard anything from your stepdaughter yet, Emzak?
Nope. Oh well. I'll keep trying after exams...

Ok so I sent my stepdaughter that email last week and no reply. :(

Yesterday, I decided to try again. We both watch "7th Heaven" and Monday night was the series finale (which totally sucked btw). Anyway, I sent her an email yesterday morning asking if she saw it and how I thought it was lame. She responded that afternoon saying she agreed with me! :eek:

I wrote back to her today, sending her a funny article I found online about how craptacular the finale was. She responded half an hour later saying she liked the article! :eek:

Does this mean she's not mad at me? I mean, she could easily have ignored this email like she did the other one. :confused: Or maybe she just didn't know what to say to the other one because it was kinda "heavy".

Anyway, I'm glad I sent the heavy one because I feel it gave me an "in" to send these random chit-chatty ones.

I'm thinking of asking her to get together with me next week before I go to China, but that might be pushing it. I should be happy with just emailing...for now at least. :D

Thanks for all your help, guys!

Well, it seems to me that she's not mad at you - she probably appreciated the heavier email, but didn't want to discuss it further. Now you can both focus on ficitional entertainment on the television!

I'm glad for you both!

Yep, I agree. I think it's great that you sent that first one so that she knows where you stand. Now, you two can just put it past you and keep things light.

I'm so glad she wrote you back!

Yeah, me too! I was starting to get nervous too.

Thanks for your good wishes. :)

I have to laugh. She is such a teenager. She read that first e-mail and to you she completely ignored it. To me she was waiting for a softer one so she could jump in there and not have to acknowledge the graduation.

Can I be honest about the graduation fiasco? Sorry, but if she expressed that she didn't want all those people there why were they? It is her or was her day and I think the mistake was made when the aunt,uncle,cousin, sister,brother and girlfriend were invited.(exagerating I know) Had it have been just you and hubby? That would have only caused the problem with the ex not with the daughter. Which in that case who would care? Tough luck for the ex.When she said nothing about that in regard's to your first e-mail, I think she just didn't want to talk about it but did want to talk to you.

I don't know when you are leaving and I don't know if you have already asked to see her or not but, if you haven't asked yet, I wouldn't. I would tell her about your trip and when you are going and comming back and see if she wants to see you AFTER your trip. Give her sometime to work up to seeing you. KWIM? And if possible e-mail her from China. Keeping the door open and letting her know that even though you are so far away you are still thinking about her.

Teenagers:rolleyes:

~Jenna

Thanks for your insight, Jenna. True to my procrastinating form, I have not yet emailed her about getting together before I leave.

Now that I read your post, I think I'll take your advice and wait, especially since she and Hubby have been having a lot of back-and-forth email conflict lately and I don't want to get caught in the cross-fire! I'm already afraid that in her attempts to avoid HIM, she will avoid ME by default.

I will continue to email her from China and suggest a get-together later this summer when I return. You da best! :)

Em you're so lucky. She doesn't attack you :D

LOL that's true. I should be thankful! :D

Its just gotta be a slow burn thing. Work up to the big bang when you will connect. You know? I just know that you can't rush in head long. Your nose will be cut off.

Your trip is the perfect opener to get together with her. Get her somethig just fucking fantasic. Something that will mean alot to her later but you know now the worth of. (not nessasarily dollar wise). <wtf? I can't spell!! Make an "appointment" to give this to her personally without hubby. Just you and her. That is the important part. But the trip is the perfect opening line. Even if you have to tell her you got her something to "lure" her in. Who cares how you do it? Means to an end of the silence right?

It will work, I promise.

~Jenna

Oh, and now that I've re-read your post about her and her dad bickering...DO NOT EVER MENTION THIS TO HER. EVER,EVER,EVER.You are a different person and you are not her mom or dad so you "sticking you nose in" will look just like that. She will see it that way. Even though you me and the fence post know different.

The only time you can say anything is if she asks you outright. Otherwise, stay mum.

~Jenna