Babies ?

Would you or have you had a baby with your partner ? And why or why not ?
I think I maybe preggers and I am chicken to tell him !! I know he won't flip or anything but , now isn't the greatest time either . What's your take on babies with us age gappers !!!

:confused:

I would LOVE to be preggers!!!!! In fact, Hubby and I have been trying since January. He's as excited about it as I am. :)

When are you going to test????

I have it but, i'm too chicken to take the thing . how pathetic am I ? My other kids go to their dad's in a few hours i'll take it then . That way I can freak alone if need be. He has made it clear he'd like another baby . I however was the one thought I didn't want another one. ;)

I want 4 !!!! I have to get set financially first.

i think i would like a baby--- after we get married.

I would love to be preggers right now. We will start trying late summer, after hubby gets a vas. reversal. He wants a baby just as much as I do, so we're anxious to get started on it. Actually, we want either 2 or 3 at some point.

We want to have a baby too...just one, because he already has 2 kids, but...we'll see. I think we're going to think more about it in a few years...once we're married and I'm closer to being done with school.

I want a baby!!!
Sometimes more often than other times.
Shane is sitting on the fence with this one. He still has issues, primarily we are NOT finanically stable and he's concerned about his health. (he's fine!)

We both need to finish school and I need to get established in my career before we can realistically start thinking about such things.

We both want a baby... we were talking about it Saturday night when he informed me that twins and triplets are in his family (and I met them all yesterday) Twins run in my family too!

A few more months and we can really talk seriously about it.. :)

A few more months and we can really talk seriously about it..

I like how you just kinda snuck that in there at the end. Oooh, the suspense!!!! :D

lol.. check your pm's :)

I'm still on the fence...which is ok...cuz Alec is too.

Well...he says he doesn't really want kids...but we talk about kids in the hypothetical sense....and I can tell that he would make an incredible dad. I also know that if anything were to accidently happen...he'd take care of me and our baby.

I think time will help us figure out if we want kids...plus i'm not sure I can have kids....so who knows. *grin*

Nadine.

Eeeh. I'm on the fence with this one. If it happens, then we'll deal with it, but I would freak out if it happened now.

Several years down the road, maybe.
Em, what year of law school did you just finish?

I love 'em and want one more. I had my first one at 23... life derailment. Wasn't expected, but has been nothing but loved and embraced and cherished since he was born. I love my little whoops! ;) If Litical and I got preggers tomorrow, we'd both be fine with it.

Oh and... since I read in the other thread your result... CONGRATS! :D

~phos

I have none,bf has a 9 yo girl,we would like to have at least one in 2008 :D i would want a girl he doesnt care,but i know deep in his heart he wants a baby boy :p

grats again!

I didn't start thinking about wanting one till my sister got pregnant last year (too bad she lost the baby :-( ). I watch those baby stories on TLC and the first half of the show i think "aww, I want to be pregnant and prepare for the baby" ... then the second part where the mother goes into labor and starts screaming and crying in pain makes me shut my legs and think "Err, maybe not. Adoption sounds nice now."

But really, I do want one at some point.

LOL....I watch those baby stories whenever I get the chance too! And I'm not even sure I really want kids, but I sure do when I watch that program, or see mothers with babies. I'm probably too rational and logical for my own good sometimes though, and think about all the problems and drawbacks.

Lol..I watch those shows all the time to. I love seeing the happy families with the brand new babies. I definately know I want one, I just always want one more when I see those shows.

I just gotta say this... what you see on TV? Meh. It may seem like pain, but its pain that is good. The second you look in your babies eyes for the first time, those are tears of joy and you seriously, seriously FORGET any pain you might have endured. It's like... WHOOSH... right out of your head. If you didn't get pregnancy amnesia, a woman would never do it again. ROFLAO. The second time around... piece of cake. ;)
~phos

I would love to have babies but after we got married, for sure. I guess we will make wonderful biracial kids. Hahaha.... We once talked about having kids together, he dont have any kids and he would love to have kids, he likes to see little kids in the mall and tease them. :)

Although babies arent on the cards at all for myself and my partner, oddly enough I think if it were to happen unplanned it would proabably be the best thing that could happen to him. He was married once when he was in this twenties, but never had children. He even told me once that he felt that if he were to have a baby, the baby would be a girl and he has a name that he would like to give her, so he's obviously thought about it. I have heard him relfecting on his life and basically saying that he felt that he hadnt really anything to show for it, but he maintains that he is too old to be a father now. Its very sad really.

Not me, but to each their own. I've never wanted kids.

~Crysania

Not everyone wants children (and some people shouldn't have them ;) )...some people end up with unplanned children, within a marriage..when this occurs, they need to make adjustments.

Personally, I never had a burning desire to have a child, however, I'm glad I did, and I love her with all my heart...so as you can tell..if I had not had a child, I wouldn't have felt I had "missed out"..yet, since I did have a child..I'm very glad that I DID have her. :)

Em, what year of law school did you just finish?

My first. One down, two to go!

So guys, prepare yourselves for two more years of whining. :D

Well i think it is great having a baby with the one you love..
I might even be preggers too which i think i am. i cant wait to find out if i
am.. Im very much in love with my om too

Well i think it is great having a baby with the one you love..
I might even be preggers too which i think i am. i cant wait to find out if i
am.. Im very much in love with my om too
What??!?! Congratulations! When will you know for sure?

I should know if i dont start by this weekend. Ty and i cant wait to find
out......

Why not just get a pee on a stick test and find out? :D

~phos

My SO and I both decided that we do not want any kids. I have 2 and he has 3. He is 50 yrs old and I am almost 37v and we both agreed that this time in our lives, we want to spend together and traveling with the kids we have and not to worry about the every 2 hours feeding or poopie diapers. I even had a tubal to make sure that we do not have any. If I ever get the urge to have a baby around, I just have to ask my twin sis who is due to give birth in a couple of weeks and that will solve my problem.

Well i just told my bf lastnight and he dosent think i am. So if i dont start by this saturday then i guess i will have to do the pee on a stick thing. It will be my first Baby too and his 4th.
I guess we will see soon....

Did you ever work out all of the issues you were having with your OM?

Nadine.

Which ones???

How many have you had?

I was thinking in particular you and that other guy you liked and were thinking about cheating on your OM with....even though the new guy had a girl friend also.

Did that clear up?

Nadine.

I want a baby.
But I have to put this question out there...
Why do you need a significant other in order to raise a child.
My mum did just fine on her own, my sister is doing a GREAT job by herself.

I will admit, Shane and I are having problems.
No I am having problems, he's oblivious to the whole thing and that's fine for now, why worry him while I sort things out??

So I want to have a baby, but I don't know if I still want to have one with him?

I dont think you NEED a SO to raise a child. Its just better that way, especially if you have a child of the opposite gender. Of course not all couples are better suited to raise a child than a single parent, but I think its a nice ideal to shoot for.

I dont think you NEED a SO to raise a child. Its just better that way, especially if you have a child of the opposite gender. Of course not all couples are better suited to raise a child than a single parent, but I think its a nice ideal to shoot for.


I do think it is a nice ideal to shoot for as well. That being said. I'm raising two little girls on my own and I couldn't be happier and they couldn't be thriving anymore than they are.

But Chiky, how old are you? I mean if you aren't at least 32 or so, I wouldn't do it just yet. If you don't meet the man of your dreams, fall in love, get married and have a family by 32-35, then go for it I say!

Honestly, I love being a single mom. It gets hard, but we do whatever we want, go where ever we want and have a blast 99% of the time.

Shan

I'll be 29 in August. So I have time, I know that.
And I'm not going to get knocked up untill I finish school and am better established in my Carreer (aka: Research Technician II or higher, or a Head Archivist at a historical society or somewhere stable!)

I'd also like to be ABD (all but disertation) before I have kids.
Seeing that I'm schedualed to finish my MA next May, start my PhD (likely Claremont or UC-Riverside) Fall of next year, that puts me ABD between 09 and 10. I'll be 32.

Is it scary how organized and planned I have everything???
G-d I can be so ANAL sometimes!!

Chiky, there's a great book called HOW TO GET PREGNANT by Dr. Silber. In it, he talks about a special ultrasound exam that you can easily get at your local gynecologist or radiologist. It's called an antral follical ultrasound (I think--I don't have the book with me) which gives you a precise report of where a woman currently is in her biological clock, i.e. approx. how many eggs she has left.

He says that some women are lucky and are fertile until their 40s, yet some women become infertile even as soon as their late 20s--it all depends on the number of eggs that a woman is born with, which is genetically determined. Doctors usually use a variety of blood tests to see how much time a woman has left, but they are not as effective and accurate as this antral follical ultrasound.

You should consider doing this test. If it shows that you still have a large reserve of eggs left, then you know you have enough time to stick with your original plan. However, if it turns out your egg reserve is dwindling, then you know you may need to start thinking about a Plan B now.

I might do this myself during my next checkup.

I want a baby. I know, I know, everyones going to tell me I'm too young. I see expectant mothers all the time and just wish I could be them.

I have no problem waiting, especially with all the problems I have with my OM right now. Besides, I dont even think he wants to have kids anymore, and I'm so worried about that.

I guess I'll have to ask when everything else settles down. Of course, I'm going to wait until schools over and all. If my Om and I work everything out then I want to get married when schools over and start a family, because I want to be a young mother (especially if I decide on having more than one, because I dont want them to be too close in age.)

Chiky, there's a great book called HOW TO GET PREGNANT by Dr. Silber. In it, he talks about a special ultrasound exam that you can easily get at your local gynecologist or radiologist. It's called an antral follical ultrasound (I think--I don't have the book with me) which gives you a precise report of where a woman currently is in her biological clock, i.e. approx. how many eggs she has left.

He says that some women are lucky and are fertile until their 40s, yet some women become infertile even as soon as their late 20s--it all depends on the number of eggs that a woman is born with, which is genetically determined. Doctors usually use a variety of blood tests to see how much time a woman has left, but they are not as effective and accurate as this antral follical ultrasound.

You should consider doing this test. If it shows that you still have a large reserve of eggs left, then you know you have enough time to stick with your original plan. However, if it turns out your egg reserve is dwindling, then you know you may need to start thinking about a Plan B now.


Thats definately a great idea. You may have MUCH more time left than you think you do. Hubby was born when his mom was 40 and his youngest brother was born when she was 44. And that was 50 years ago, long before any fertility treatments were available.

Em~ thanks.
I'll have to look into that. The flip side is, if my eggs ARE becoming scarce, I honestly don't know if I'd even want to know about it. It's a little scary!
I am SO NOT in a position to have children right now!!
Particularly with the problems in my relationship!

YES!!! We actually have four children 1 boy and 3 girls two of which are twins.

How many have you had?

I was thinking in particular you and that other guy you liked and were thinking about cheating on your OM with....even though the new guy had a girl friend also.

Did that clear up?

Nadine.

Yes i have Me and the other guy have just remand friends. I dont think
he was the one for me as i know my om is the right one for me...
Plus i havent seen him much anyways cause my dad is overseas working
he fixes the plans for the navy i think..

I do think it is a nice ideal to shoot for as well. That being said. I'm raising two little girls on my own and I couldn't be happier and they couldn't be thriving anymore than they are.

But Chiky, how old are you? I mean if you aren't at least 32 or so, I wouldn't do it just yet. If you don't meet the man of your dreams, fall in love, get married and have a family by 32-35, then go for it I say!

Honestly, I love being a single mom. It gets hard, but we do whatever we want, go where ever we want and have a blast 99% of the time.

Shan

I am with you, I am a single mother of a boy and a girl. My son has very little contact with his dad, maybe once a yr if my son is lucky and my daughter has not seen her dad since she was 9 months old. My kids lack for nothing either emotionally, mentally or financially. My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would agree, if you are still single by 35, than go for it.

Well i still havent started yet so i guess i will have to do the pee on a stick thing.. I just have to go get one with out anybody seeing it....

Why can't anyone see it?

Nadine.

Yup we have a almost 2 yr old lil girl. She is so much fun :)

Well i dont want anyone to know until my dad comes home from being overseas. He is in the Air National Guard and wont be home until nexted month sometime.... Well i think my family would be really mad and upset some things have happend this past monday,tuesday that are not to good.
I have to get a test with out anyone knowing i got one.

What happened?

Nadine.

What happened?

Nadine.
Well i havent gotten a test yet to see....

I want baby with him!!!! but of course, after we got married.

:)

I realy do not think I want any kids! Besides I have fun with his youngest girl and she is enough for me!

I have decided that stupid people shouldn't reproduce.

Nadine.

what do u mean by that Nadine?

Just what it says...don't try to read into it.

I just deal with lots of stupid people all day long...and I've decided that they shouldn't reproduce.

Nadine.

Just what it says...don't try to read into it.

I just deal with lots of stupid people all day long...and I've decided that they shouldn't reproduce.

Nadine.

Could ya tell that to the women I work with??!! lol!

I'd be glad to Trish!!! :D

I have no filter on my mouth...so I often speak/type before I think. *grin*

Nadine.

Oh ok i'll leave it alone then

Have you taken the pregnancy test yet? :D

Nadine.

Or gotten your monthlies? One would think if you STILL don't have it... yeah, ya need to get it confirmed.

Why not just call your doc and go have a blood test done? Then there is no "test" laying around in the trash or anything. Just have 'em call you on your cellphone or whathave you.

~phos

Well i went to the doctors yesterday and it officely im due on feb.14
of next year of coures.... havent told bf yet but i told a friend of mine which i know was kind of wrong to tell her first when u should tell the father first... but anyways im a high risk because im a type 2 diabetic so now i have to go another doctor....

Aww valentine's day. Well not that its definitely going to be that date but it's still a great gift. Good luck telling the father, I'm sure everything will work out great. Oh and Congratulations.

Mazel tov!!!
keep us posted!!

well i have told the father and we are now thinking if we should keep it or
not cause of my family and thay might do... i just told him yesterday and he
kind of didnt beleive me at first but now like i said have to figue out what to
do.... none of my family people know yet just me,him and my two friends so i hope it dosent get out before my dad gets home in like the middle of this month....
I will keep you all posted on everything.......

:eek: :(

I'm always sorry to hear when people feel they need to make a decision on whether or not to keep it. Just makes me sad. I've BEEN there, but it didn't take long to make the decision. My little bruiser is chillin' in the pool and I am ever so grateful I faced the potential "wrath"... oddly, so is my family, to which the world seemingly revolves around the little guy. ;)

Just sendin' ya a big old (((((HUG)))))) so ya know I hope (no matter what you choose) that you feel YOU are doing the right thing by YOU.

~phos

You know, I think even the most die hard Pro-lifer goes through the 'thought' when faced with the possibility of an unexpected pregnancy. I know I have, which is why I understand the fear and confusion.

((((((Hugs)))))) I hope everything works out for the best.

Shan

well hello all i was just wanting to say that i might get rid of it tomorrow moring and im not sure if i can do it or not. Has any else gotten rid of one before? I just talk to my bf and he said to see what the details are about getting rid of it....Well ok i'll let you all know what i do.....

i'm adamantly pro choice but IF YOU ARE NOT SURE--think really really hard about it.... becauses i know that women that are unsure often report back that in later years they had problems emotionally because of the choice they made under pressure.

man, "getting rid of it" sounds bad.

if you think it is the best thing to do then ok, but dont do it cause your bf, or family want you to.and be sure you wont regret later.I am pro-choice, but i can tell you if i got pregnant right now i would deal with the consequences.

I agree with Momma Nessa -- if you are not sure, you need to sit down and really think about it. Making the choice to terminate the pregnancy without spending some time really thinking about the consequences and how you'd feel about it is likely to cause some emotional issues later on.

You should also check into if abortion is dangerous for diabetics in any way. I don't know that much about type 2, but I know for type 1's surgery of any sort is often a last resort because it can be very complicated and dangerous.

~Crysania

I agree with the ladies. I'm not going to tell you what to do, and I HOPE that your BF and family will let YOU make the decision on your own without any undue pressure to do it "their" way.

Just be very sure it is what YOU want and that you can accept the choice and you receive proper counseling from the clinic, too... the decision must be yours and yours alone. Be 100% sure. Anything less, you will have regrets.

~phos

well hello all i was just wanting to say that i might get rid of it tomorrow moring and im not sure if i can do it or not. Has any else gotten rid of one before? I just talk to my bf and he said to see what the details are about getting rid of it....Well ok i'll let you all know what i do.....

Like the other ladies said, think long and hard before making your decision. If you don't want to have an abortion than don't. Coersion from family and your boyfriend may make you feel it's your only choice, but honey, if it's not what you want, trust me, you will be tormented by it for a long time. Not just after, but on the day you would have been due, when you see people holding babies, commercials, then the fears that maybe you will never be able to have another child. Then there is the post abortion time when all you want is to have a baby and how could you have done this?

I believe it is your choice, please just be prepared for after, some people experience PASS (Post Abortion Stress Syndrome). Be sure, talk to the councelors at the clinic, call the help lines, just be sure.

Thank You all very much for the info but i have chosen to get the Abortion and i have already done so this past saturday. Which i felt that in my life right that i wasnt ready to be a mom. Well ok i will let u all know more later..

Thank You all very much for the info but i have chosen to get the Abortion and i have already done so this past saturday. Which i felt that in my life right that i wasnt ready to be a mom. Well ok i will let u all know more later..


hey that's great that you were able to make a choice and do what you felt was right for you!

I hope your feeling physically and mentally well. Take it easy on yourself and be well.

I truely hope you learn something from this experience.

Nadine.

Yes i have learned a very good lesson. i learned that i should wait until i am good and ready to be a mom and that i do it with someone that will be there for me no matter what i do. I think me and bf are no longer together cause he just went back to PA to see his dad and my family and friends dont want me with him any more so this has been really hard on me cause as of today makes a week that i last seen him so i really dont know whats going on with me and him...... I think deep down inside me i still love him very much and want to be with him so now i dont know what to do....... I dont know at this point how he feels about me...HELP

I would have hoped that the lesson would have been to be more careful when engaging in sex.

I hope things work out for you and that you start living the life that YOU want to live...not the life others want for you.

Nadine.

I would have hoped that the lesson would have been to be more careful when engaging in sex.

I hope things work out for you and that you start living the life that YOU want to live...not the life others want for you.

Nadine.
Listen to Nadine! She is wise beyond her years. :)

I would have hoped that the lesson would have been to be more careful when engaging in sex.

I hope things work out for you and that you start living the life that YOU want to live...not the life others want for you.

Nadine.

hallelujah and AMEN my sistah!

Dang...I thought yall were gonna yell at me for being too mean!!! :D

Nadine.

Dang...I thought yall were gonna yell at me for being too mean!!! :D

Nadine.

I'm with ya 100%!

Well i just told my dad about everthing last night and well he took it ok but it didnt really sink into him yet but anyways it was kind of hard for me but i did it. So now i play the waiting game to see if he says anything to me.
He just got back to the states yesterday from being overseas for 2 months.

Well i just told my dad about everthing last night and well he took it ok but it didnt really sink into him yet but anyways it was kind of hard for me but i did it. So now i play the waiting game to see if he says anything to me.
He just got back to the states yesterday from being overseas for 2 months.

What is he to say? It's over and done with, and I hope you can get on with your life.

I don't think I am a normal female. I am not that into babies. I have trouble connecting with babies. Most of my friends love holding babies, I am just scared I am gonna break em. I never know what babies want when they cry. I am also scared to give birth...but i do want a family. I think i would be better off working on my career and banking some money and then adopting slightly older children down the line. If my OM and I ever get married, his father is adopted, so he's pro adoption.

Me too, SilentAngel. I really want to have kids, but I am terrified of giving birth. I have nightmares about it.

But ever since I started working at Target and I see families and people with babies, and I work with the baby food and diapers and such, it makes me reeallly want to have a baby.

Thats why I made sure the retail work I had to do was NOT at a store that sold baby stuff. I almost got hired on at Babies R Us.

I already reeally want a baby, working around that stuff all day would drive me absolutely nuts.

Okay... ~phosmonster weighs in... specifically for SilentAngel. When I was a teener, I had some HORRIBLE babysitting experiences. I mean, downright AWFUL. I had swore off babies then. By college, I knew I wanted them, but I didn't really like or get into babies, y'know? I thought I wanted to foster or adopt. People I knew were having them and the whole dealio scared the poo outta me.

Then I got prego with my lil man. Unwed, in college, I'd only been dating his dad a MONTH. :eek: It was a very scary time. But, I decided to keep him. I couldn't live with myself if I hadn't. The pregnancy was relatively easy, really. My belly grew. I ended up on bedrest, cuz he was effaced early. I liked being catered to... ;) LOL. The delivery wasn't bad either. I mean, that's why they have epidurals, y'know? And all the while I'm sittin' there thinking I'm going to make the worlds WORST mom. But, when he was born and they whisked him away from me I was pissed... I saw his Dad's eyes dancing in delight looking at his baby boy (which I didn't know was a boy until that moment) and when I did finally get to lay eyes on him, it's like... well... magic, truly.

This isn't "some" baby. This isn't "a" baby. This is MY baby. A part of me... my heart grew that day. And so did every aspect of my life. And everything I thought I'd SUCK at, well... I didn't suck at. So many things just come completely naturally. And I found that I longed for being pregnant. I enjoyed it. Having my daughter (she was planned) was an utter joy.

All of this was something I never fathomed for a second I would be able to endure, let alone enjoy. I laughed through my daughters entire delivery. I mean, crackin' jokes, goofing on the nursing staff, giggling and just plainly enjoying the moment ~ cuz its SOOOOO fleeting. It seems like forever until the moment you look into his/her eyes, and then you experience pregnancy amnesia.

This is why women are willing to have MORE after the really scary process of having the first one.

It's been almost 6 years. And even though I know having another baby will be a REALLY rough proposition for me (age, risk of twins due to advanced maternal age and genetics on both sides, and my degenerative disc disease in my lower spine!!), I STILL want another one.

At 16, 18, 20, 22... I never thought I could do it. But the pain isn't a bad pain. The fear isn't a bad fear. It's... growing pains, really. And the rewards far outweigh the negatives. And they aren't babies for very long AT ALL. *poof* Toddlers. *blink* Little kids *blinkblink* TEENERS... *weep* in college... *look away for a moment* GRANDKIDS.

Don't sell yourself short. I'm glad I didn't. As scared and as invisible as babies were to me, its nothing short of a life altering experience... in a good way.

~phos

Phossy, that's a great post! :)

Hello!
I'm new here and I was really worried about the "kid question", bacause... In my country (Russia) a 44-45 year old dad is considered to be old (my own dad, but I would never want him to be younger), my boyfriend is 41 now and we were talking about having kids in the future... But I was worried about his age... How would the kid feel... and a 30 yo mom is also old in Russia:eek: . most of the people try to marry in their early 20th and just make kids - everything is so differen here! Now I see that you guys are not in a rush despite any age gap or whatever and it's not such a big deal if dad is 50 or more and mom is 30 or more. But me personally... I would love to have a kid by 25... Well anyway we have to end up with LDR first, but this question needs to be taken into consideration in any case. i'm so happy I found this forum and so many answers to my questions:) :) :)
i love ya guys!

sihg what a beautifull thread is this. fils me with love one way or the other, I love kids. I love my SO & altough I know its not so wise (in human years & everyting practical & everything) to have kids with an AG of 30 years, but I LOVE to acctually. @ least I am realy dreaming about it, what is DREAMING & not DOING but hey, who knows... ;) thing is my p.a.r.e.n.t.s.....:(

oh well, keep the topic off my mind for a few months, lets see how I think about it a few moths later. Things happen SOooo fast! One thing is certain: I LOVE my SO! *I am shouting it from the rooftops here* III LOOOVEEE MY SOOOOOO!!!! I know this is not the proper place to shout it, but it just came popping up. *gigle*
Geez, see ya, Geeen

My SO has never had children, although I think given the opportunity he would have made a wonderful father. In answer to the question, I wouldnt want to get pregnant as our circumstances are not right. However, if I were to get pregnant, then I don't think I would be able not to have the baby.

My SO has never had children, although I think given the opportunity he would have made a wonderful father. In answer to the question, I wouldnt want to get pregnant as our circumstances are not right. However, if I were to get pregnant, then I don't think I would be able not to have the baby.

Do you mean your age gap for "circumstances"?

I would love to be preggers right now. We will start trying late summer, after hubby gets a vas. reversal. He wants a baby just as much as I do, so we're anxious to get started on it. Actually, we want either 2 or 3 at some point.
My man also needs vas reversal - but I heard it might not work out, are u absolutely sure it would work????:confused:

My man also needs vas reversal - but I heard it might not work out, are u absolutely sure it would work????:confused:


no there are never any guarantees that a reversal of a vas or a tl would work.

that's why they are considered permanent methods of sterilazation.

My man also needs vas reversal - but I heard it might not work out, are u absolutely sure it would work????:confused:
It isn't absolutely certain that it will work, however the specialist we are going to has an over 90% effective rate so the odds are in our favor. This particular dr. is also willing to do sperm retrieval while he is doing the surgery so that even if the reversal doesn't work we will be able to try in vitro later.

If your man needs to get a reversal, make sure you find a specialist instead of just a urologist...the odds with someone who specializes in reversals are often much better than if you go with a regular urologist.

Hey All, I bumped into this thread by accident and have enjoyed reading it from start to present. Yep. There is so much more to consider before having children when in an AG relationship. So much more than couples who are close in age. Just because so many other factors are likely to be involved.

1) Does he/she already have kids?
2) What are their ages?
3) Is there an ex who's already getting boo-coo bucks in child support?
4) Are there health problems?
5) Will existing children be happy or anguished?
6) Do you both have the energy, specifically the older partners?
Etc. Etc. The list could be endless.

My husband is 24 years older than me. He had a son 4 years older than me when we married. (that son, Steve unfortunately has passed away). His son had a 2 year old daughter (hubby's first and only grandchild). I had an 8 year old son and hubby had a 7 year old daughter from prior marriages. I was desperate to have more kids because I love them and wanted my first born to have siblings. My husband loved kids and wanted more as well. Our two kids we had together were born before Steve died, but he was ecstatic to get a new baby sister and brother when he was in his late thirties. We produced a boy and a girl in our first few years of marriage and they are really great kids. The older two are in their mid twenties now and are still close to our teens.

Sounds OK, right? We definitely had our challenges. I know a good many blended families that are happy, happy, happy. But few of them had all the same circumstances we did.
Hubby's ex who shared custody of his daughter ran my house. She ran my own kids schedules, our vacation schedules, you name it. Everything had to fit her schedule. How was she able to do that? Hubby was totally afraid to cross her because she was quite vindictive and he knew she was financially able to manipulate things to entice his daughter to spend more time with her Mom than with us. Hawaiian vacations, DisneyWorld vacations, Cruises, etc. By the time she was 14 we barely ever saw her. And she even went to the same high school as my son, only a couple miles from our home. To be very honest I know part of the reason she didn't want to come to our house much was my fault too. It became obvious, even though I loved her very much, her presence in my home created alot of distress for the rest of us (I referred earlier to the problem of her mother running my house).

BUT GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!
When hubby's daughter turned sixteen and had Mother/Daughter differences she decided to lean on me. And we have been wonderful friends ever since. She even talks about realizing that I never disliked her, rather I disliked my loss of control over my household. And she acknowledges that she knows her Dad didn't always support me when I complained that his ex was not only controlling their daughter while in my house, but was also controlling to some degree what went on with my own kids lives. Hubby's daughter was afraid to rock either of her parents boats and start anything up. She knew how vindictive her Mom could be.

My point here is to be absolutely sure you are both on the same page as far as discipline styles of all kids involved in the blended family. (his had to be treated with kid gloves so as not to upset the ex). And think really hard, and for a good long time about the role you both will play in your own childrens lives, and prior childrens lives and whether or not you can balance it all. Make sure which ever of you has the minor kids is going to give equal consideration to both the prior and new children. All these years later I am still so very angry at myself for not being strong. For not standing up to his ex, and for not standing up to my own husband about his ex's control over our lives. Our kids, I believe suffered not only in what they missed, but because they could sense tension.

I know this is just the down side appearing here, but it is so much more important to consider all the ramifications of starting "new" families when other families already exist. Reality is, deciding to have a new family with your older partner does not necessarily affect just you and your SO.

The "UP" side is a given. Having children together is wonderful. We both look back at things with some regret and wish we had done things differently. Even so, we would NOT have decided against children of our own. We love them all. His, Mine, and Ours!

There are other potential difficulties you both have to consider with regard to Age. There, I said it. A.G.E. To our older kids it didn't really matter, but our current teens have "issues." Their Dad is now 70, has serious leg troubles and hasn't been able for some time to participate in their activities. He is also very forgetful and the kids are sometimes embarrassed and annoyed. They do feel somewhat cheated that their friends Dad's are active, and fit in with the larger group of parents. They have been asked if the guy driving them to school is their Grandfather, but they don't hesitate to say, "No, thats my Dad." They love him very much! Hubby's forgetfulness is another thing anybody's teens typically will not deal well with. They get annoyed too easily by being asked the same questions over and over, or having their Dad mad that he "wasn't told" something because he doesn't remember us telling him. Even so, they love him very much! They just realize because of their Dad's age there are differences in their family makeup.

I'm hoping nobody thinks I'm here to discourage your procreating with your SO. I just care so much about passing on from experience what others might wish someone had shared with them several years from now. My husband was 50 when we married, and though I wasn't even in my thirties yet he was more fun and more active than I ever was. I expected to have to keep up with him all these years. Nobody could have made me believe how much things could change in twenty years. I would not have listened to them.

Now this point is the most important one in my long rambling:
"You, and only you can tell yourself whether you are strong enough to endure what life might hand you and your children twenty years from now because of a decision to have children in one partners later years." Would you still be strong enough to get through the "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health?" Can you predetermine how you will deal with the potential challenges?

These are just things to consider, and although I know people aren't comfortable with considering the possible negatives I would be remiss if I didn't chime in. It is my experience and not always the "typical" one, but we all in AGR's are subject to the same potentials.

I'm in the middle here, and old enough to be your mother (most of you anyway). So I'll accept if younger AGers think I'm out of touch. I just want to show you that I care enough to say I understand and respect everyones dream to have children of their own. Just be certain and prepared to accept whatever God has in store for you.

><HUGS<>

When I met my DH, I had two little kids (like Phos, my first was born when I was very young and he was unplanned, but not unloved and I can't imagine life without him...). DH had 2 teenage kids.

I figured being his age (43 at the time we met) and already having two kids who were practically grown he probably wouldn't want anymore. I felt really sad about it because I really, really did want a third child. I was really uncomfortable about talking to him about it at first. I finally brought it up because I had lost one of my ovaries due to a tumor and I was really worried about the possiblity of losing the other (there is a 25% chance I could) and I was worried about my future fertility. He told me that he always knew he would eventually divorce his ex and remarry and he also wanted one more child.

After we married, we tried for 2 years to get pregnant and I had several losses. Then by some miracle fluke, I got pregnant with identical twin girls. And when they were 8 months old, I conceived again while on the pill and breastfeeding them. The new baby is due any day now, it's a boy. If I don't go into labor on my own, my csection will be on the 19th.

So, we wanted one more to complete our family and ended up with 3. I couldn't be happier. It's not life according to my "plan," but it's better than I ever expected. DH will be 50 in a few months and being an older dad has it's good and bad points for him, but overall, he is thrilled to be doing this and absolutely adores our "triplets."

Hey All, I bumped into this thread by accident and have enjoyed reading it from start to present. Yep. There is so much more to consider before having children when in an AG relationship. So much more than couples who are close in age. Just because so many other factors are likely to be involved.

Brilliant post OVERHILL! :D

...thank you for finding the words I was struggling with and emparting them in a kind and gentle, but completely realistic manner!

*STANDING OVATION*

Thanks Sally

I just posted her as my avatar recently, but probably didn't explain who she was

*joins sally in applause*

Overhill, thanks for writing that post...you must have put alot of thought into it and I, for one, appreciate it.

I think about the things you mention quite often (aside from the prior kids, since neither of us have any), and it really helps to get the perspective from someone who's "been there, done that".

By the way, Natalie is ADORABLE! What an angel smile.

I would love to have a couple kids of my own. My SO already has three, two of those being teenagers, that he takes care of full time. They really give him a run for his money but he says he loves every minute of it and wants more...I'm going to stop there before I start getting sappy

Do you mean your age gap for "circumstances"?

Mostly yes. He once commented that he thought that his best years for being a parent had probably passed. Also, it has always been that we arent in a relationship whereby I would introduce him as my partner, although most of my close friends know about him. We do love eachother, but realise the limitations of having an age gap of 28 years. In the begining I found this very hard to deal with and I did want more, now I just do my best to accept the way things are and enjoy what time we have together. I think that I've matured quiet a bit and learnt a lot from having been with him. That being said the frustration of the situation does occassionally catch up with me, I know he feels it too although he doesnt express his frustrations in a vocally as I do.

I'd love to have kids, but then again, I'm perfectly happy without at the moment, but that could be because I'm honestly just not ready. Now if I were to happen to be pregnant tomorrow, I know that my SO and I could deal with it, but it's just not ideal. I'd rather travel the world to exotic places without a baby in tow. Plus, he already has three children and they're amazing. I consider myself blessed to have missed all the poopy diaper years.

But then again, I ideally want five children...we'll see...there's still time left. ;)

Great post, Overhill!

I do want to point out though that out of the six questions you listed:


1) Does he/she already have kids?
2) What are their ages?
3) Is there an ex who's already getting boo-coo bucks in child support?
4) Are there health problems?
5) Will existing children be happy or anguished?
6) Do you both have the energy, specifically the older partners?

Only #6 (and maybe #4) is unique to age gap relationships. #1, #2, #3, and #5 are related to divorced fathers, who may or may not be older.

In any case, for those of you who have to deal with step kids and the ex, as Overhill said, it is absolutely essential to set proper limits and boundaries early on. Your SO must stand up to his ex, otherwise, be prepared for utter hell.

As for #6, it really depends on the individual in question. For example, I have extremely low energy levels (it seems that most of the "action" takes place in my head), whereas Hubby is often bouncing off the walls. I can definitely see him chasing around a toddler in the years to come.

Conversely, I've seen guys my age who are low-energy like me and just the thought of having to run after a little kid is enough to make me feel tired. :p

Sometimes having a baby is a real positive in a step situation, even when it doesn't seem like it would be. The twins brought us all a lot closer as a family than we ever anticipated. They helped mend fences with my formerly estranged SD, as well. (Her issues were with DH, not me, but I am thrilled for both of them that they are back on good terms because of the girls.)

And as far as health issues and those things - like Emzak said, even young people can have issues with energy levels and health. My DH is far more energetic and involved than my exH who was the same age I am. My mom claims he is the most involved father she has ever seen. I think sometimes having had kids earlier in life and then another set later in life gives you a unique perspective on the whole thing. DH feels like he wants to enjoy this time as much as possible because he knows, firsthand, how quickly it passes.

I keep having problems with the quotes ...........Sorry

This is from Emzak's 12-13-06 post:
"I do want to point out though that out of the six questions you listed:"

Quote:
Originally Posted by overhill
1) Does he/she already have kids?
2) What are their ages?
3) Is there an ex who's already getting boo-coo bucks in child support?
4) Are there health problems?
5) Will existing children be happy or anguished?
6) Do you both have the energy, specifically the older partners?


"Only #6 (and maybe #4) is unique to age gap relationships. #1, #2, #3, and #5
are related to divorced fathers, who may or may not be older. 5 are related to
divorced fathers, who may or may not be older."


You're right Emzak. I could have done a better job qualifying the inclusion of #1,2,3, and 5. One of my great faults in writing is I ramble in too many directions in my attempts to detail every little point. By the time I'm done one wonders what my original point was. Or I recognize its getting too long, try to wrap it up, and as in this case end up omitting words that are simple, but essential to clarifying my point.

I included #1 & 2 because in an AGR it would be the exception rather than the rule if they weren't present, and the kids ages can be a factor in their acceptance of our relationship with their parent. #3, I included because if the kids are still dependents, the obligation/expense of both time and money (for some couples) is a huge factor in future family planning. And, like in my situation the support was a "real big thorn in my side." (I strongly believe all kids should be supported. We never missed payment. I just hated seeing our $$$$ being flaunted in our faces with fancy cars and vacations, etc.). #5, I included because in the AGR there's a greater likelihood the kids will be close to our age, and (sadly enough) not too happy about their parents AGR. The stress extended (older kid) family relations might add to our lives (#5) can be a huge factor in the decision to even start a new family.

I hear what you're saying about energy levels too. When I was late 20's and Paul was early 50's he could out do me any day of the week running, playing, etc. 15-20 years ago I wouldn't allow myself to imagine it could be any different now (#4). I included #6, I think more from a "Looking into the future" kind of perspective.

As for #6, it really depends on the individual in question. For example, I have extremely low energy levels (it seems that most of the "action" takes place in my head), whereas Hubby is often bouncing off the walls. I can definitely see him chasing around a toddler in the years to come.

Same here. I'm exhausted most of the time, whereas my BF will go galloping around and jump up and down just because he has an overflow of giddy energy. You'd think he was younger than I am!

I'd love to have children someday. I never thought I'd say this, but I do want kids.

I think Matt would make an amazing father. He really wants kids and is very family oriented.

I saw a baby yesterday that made my hormones go all a twitter. She was about 6 months old and beautiful. She looked like a doll. Chubby cheeks, big blue eyes, blond curls. *melts* She was wearing a pink hoodie that had little ears at the top. So cute.

i'm ready for grandkids... thankfully my kids are not ready for kids so i wait.

I want a baby.
In the worst way. I'm ALMOST ready to chuck school and go for it. (ALMOST ready, not there yet!).
But since I am having SERIOUS issuses with my wieght. (and the fact that I haven't had a DECENT boyfriend EVER!!! I swear where do I find these figgin loosers?????)

The sound of beating uteruses in this thread is deafening me

lol :D

I love my grand daughter Addison who will be 10 months on the 23rd. There is no one like her. I am ready for about 3 more.

The sound of beating uteruses in this thread is deafening me
Admit it--you love it!!!!! Otherwise, why would you click on the thread entitled "Babies"? LOL :D

I bet you are one of those guys who like to make goo-goo eyes at babies on the bus. :p

Babies are so cute, but then there is also this to consider.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXclf4RvnHE&mode=related&search=

oh and this part I remember it well... LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4k4Nvo8bv-E

just for laughs... Karate Baby :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1pBN4Lhklo

My fiancee and I have children, he has 3 boys, I have 2 girls. And for blending two families with children ranging from 15 to 3, we shouldn't really try for any more kids. But we both want kids, just not right now. I'll admit that I'm one of those who google at babies and hold and coo and all that. But he is too. We told the kids that we're getting married and things are going well for the most part as his youngest two and my two are estactic about being brother and sister. I was nervous about the 15 year old and his mom because she does like to be a control freak, but this weekend, I got an interesting glimpse of her because she was making suggestions on how to get me and the 15 year old to bond. With that kind of support, I think a baby will be a welcome addition. But after we're married =)

We got pg after a month we started going out but Blake was a planned baby. Alisa wasnt. I want 2 more kids. Always wanted 4 kids.

We had 2 children together. We knew we wanted at least one, we got two. My husband has 4 grandchildren with a 5th on the way. We've made the decision to not have any more. Part of that decision was because he is a grandfather and wants to be "grandpa" not so much daddy.

Not that I'm saying we'll get married (lol), but I do believe he would make a wonderful father and a person like him is the type of man I want to marry and have children with someday.