Buying someone's affection?

Most of you will remember the ongoing saga with my soon-to-be 15-year-old stepdaughter.

Polarity suggested that I buy her a nice souvenir from China, which I think is a terrific idea. I emailed her yesterday to ask what she likes to collect when she travels (e.g. magnets, stamps) and if she wanted me to bring back something cool. She sent me a very nice reply saying "i don't need anything, but thanks anyway".

I'm going to assume that she's just being polite and I still plan on getting her something. That said, I'm concerned that she may view this as me trying to "buy" her affections. I bring this up because Hubby recently offered to take her to an expensive dinner and a shopping spree in honor of her getting a school award, and she dismissed it with a curt "thanks for the congratulations but you don't need to get me anything".

Maybe she's annoyed by our (perceived) attempt to shower her with gifts instead of taking the time to get to know her, but then again, she hasn't exactly given us the opportunity to do so seeing she has turned down practically every single invitation of ours!

What do you think? :confused:

lock her in a room till she's 18.... ;)
now that said...its her age, and she's just being a royal pain. no adult knows jack shit, and she's at the age where she wishes you'd fall off the face of the earth and leave her alone. i was "caught up" in that cycle with my youngest, and ya try and ya try...nada! just continue to be available, show interest and always remember the attitude does end (in a few years).

do keep your eyes open for something really unusal for her....perhaps something to wear that she couldn't possible get here, that is totally cool, and she can brag on it to her friends...

Just tell her something like - 'I saw it and thought about you - you can have it if you like it, if not I'll just give it to someone else.' Don't make her feel as if it's a big deal.

i dunno, i think until she is not ready to accept circumstances have changed and that you two are happy together and that is eventually good for her too, no matter what you do it will always be wrong, cause she will want to see it that way.

There is nothing wrong with bringing her a souvenir from china, you know, even if she thought you were buying her affection , if you choose something she really likes and even if she wont tell you, i think she will think you are actually a close person in tastes who thought about her and could be a step forwards to a better relationship.

If she doesnt like what you get her i would just try to explain her that you really would have liked to get her something you liked that meant something to you even if she did not like it,and that was the only intention of the awful pen with the chinese dragon on top and just laugh about it :D

Did you think about sending her a card from there, saying something like: Hi, how is everything there?today i went to <wherever> and i loved it, i am sure you would love it too...

Sometimes knowing that someone bothered to buy a card, write it and send it means more than bringing a silly souvenir you can find on the store next door cause after all everything comes from china :p

I say pick out a lovely souvenir, give it to her saying "I saw this and thought of you" and no matter her response, be done with it. Don't make a big deal out of it, if you do make a deal of it, it surely will seem like bribery was your original intent.

Why is it that you have to buy her something? I would think it'd be more personal to discuss your trip with her when you return. Private time if you will.

She may take it as you guys trying to buy her affection, but will probably still appreciate something. Maybe if what you get her is not a big thing, maybe something that has some meaning to it. She is at a difficult age, I remember being that age, and it's not pretty sometimes. I would go ahead and get her something, I don't think it will do any harm.

a tee shirt...

my dad and wicked stepmonster went to China and all i got was this lousy tee shirt.


seriously... if you see something that you think/know she would like get it for her.

tell her you know she didn't want anything but that you're being selfish and you feel good giving it to her....

but then i'm a bitch.

Hey Emzak...

Can you bring me back something with a bootleg chinese Mickey Mouse on it? *grin*

Nadine.

this is a difficult position.
like everyone here, find something that would fit her tastes and personality, but don't make a big deal of it.
more than her perciving it as "buying her affection", what is probably going on, is that she still sees you as someone who took her Daddy away. Now you've taken him to a completely foriegn country.
I know, it's not what you want to hear, and it's not your intentions.
But that's how I percieved my stepfather. (my first stepmother was "the bitch that broke up my family").

Talk to her mom, or if she has sibblings, talk to them to see what they think she would like. They're around her everyday and probably have a bette idea on her tastes.
But you do have to get her something.
You have to get all of his kids something (wereren't there 2 of them??)

If I were you, I'd give her something really personal. Maybe something that you had from your childhood that maybe got you through a difficult time. Buying just something that said "Oh, I thought of you" is nice, but something that has a story behind it or special significance to the giver, is always better in my opinion. Maybe then she'll appreciate it more, even if it isn't recieved like that at first, maybe she'll learn to feel like she should give you a better chance. You may not be her birth mother, but sharing something personal might improve your bond with her.

To be honest... If she says not to get her anything, I wouldn't get her anything.

My best friend in high school hated her step parents... and they were always buying her stuff when she told them not to, and she would just complain about how they never listened to her or respected her wishes...

its a no win...if you get her something, you didn't listen...if you don't, you don't care about her.

personally, i'd go for the not listening. get something really kick ass. it doesn't have to be expensive, but out of the ordinary.

Yup, I agree with Chris. This is definitely a no-win situation for you, Em. You're such a sweetheart and you don't deserve to be treated this way....but just know that it isn't really you. Your step-daughter would be the same way no matter who it was. But it will pass in time. She won't be a teenage girl forever. Does she have a boyfriend? I guarantee the heat will be off when she does. Of course, then it's a whole other set of problems. lol!

((((Emzak))))

To be honest... If she says not to get her anything, I wouldn't get her anything.

My best friend in high school hated her step parents... and they were always buying her stuff when she told them not to, and she would just complain about how they never listened to her or respected her wishes...
That's what I'm afraid of!

Oh well. Thanks y'all for your thoughts. I'll keep an eye out for something cool and get it just in case. I don't have to actually give it to her.

Chiky, yes there are two. I am definitely getting something for my stepson (he wants Yu-gi-oh cards from Japan) so I felt weird about only getting something for one kid and not the other.

Jesique, what the heck is a Chinese Mickey Mouse??! :confused: LOL

LOL...Emzak...I'm not sure...I was hoping just for something with Mickey Mouse on it.

I heard that Disney kinda had to allow for a loose interpretation of their characters in order to be allowed in China. I also heard they had to do propaganda videos for the chinese govt. using Disney characters.

*grin*

Nadine.

Emzak, I think that's a good plan. As a teenager, I pretended that I didn't want anything and that I wanted to be left alone etc....but in reality, inside, I wanted people to reach out to me.

Now, I'm not saying all teeners are like this, just that I was and that maybe there's a chance that even if she appears to not be impressed or even like the gift you bring her, she could secretly be happy that you thought of her.

Teens are complicated.

If you can keep doing it (I can imagine it'd be draining) I'd keep trying to put myself out there for her. I think she'll come around eventually and realize how hard you tried to connect with her and she'll appreciate it.

Buying someones affection and doing something nice/helpful to show that you love and care for them are two different things...

"Buying affection" as my Mom did for us as we were growing up...wasn't a lasting, loving gesture..seemed that there was always a price to pay in the end for it.

A better tactic would have been for her (or my Father, either one) to have shown love and affection by following through with promises made, and perhaps paying attention to the things I enjoyed doing that didn't involve spending money...I had to deprogram myself to figure out what was important to me in life..and that took awhile.

I didn't really want to like my stepmother when I first met her (I was 15), but she was patient and made an effort to understand my hobbies and likes/dislikes. On occation she would get me something she knew I'd like, but it was more the gesture than the object that made me warm up to her.

Once I had spent some time with her, I realised she was a fantastic person and I love her to bits. She's one of the people in my family who's most important to me. And - she still gives the BEST Christmas presents!! *wink*

Another thought on buying affection...loving someone...and helping support or guide them is NOT buying affection. It is merely caring enough to guide them..and help in any way possible..I don't see anything wrong with that...

"Buying" affection is a totally different story...to me it means physically "buying" something of material value and giving it to a person in place of giving them your love or affection.

Additionally, in BOTH scenarios..if a person isn't willing to offer love and affection physically..and all they want to do is "GIVE" you something to keep you happy for the time being or "tide you over" so to speak..that's like giving a lolipop to a little kid to satisfy them...and it only ends up leaving them with an empty feeling afterward...those are the biggest differences between the two to me.

I didn't really want to like my stepmother when I first met her (I was 15), but she was patient and made an effort to understand my hobbies and likes/dislikes. On occation she would get me something she knew I'd like, but it was more the gesture than the object that made me warm up to her.

Once I had spent some time with her, I realised she was a fantastic person and I love her to bits. She's one of the people in my family who's most important to me. And - she still gives the BEST Christmas presents!! *wink*
Thanks for sharing this with me. I am touched by your story and it gives me hope!

I did stumble across something small at a local market that I think she might like. We'll see.... :)

Time is on your side! Just be patient and don't take it personally if she doesn't warm up immediately. It's the situation she doesn't feel comfortable with, not you (even though she might not be aware of it!). (((hugs))) You'll be the best step mom in the world.