what if i want to move and he doesn't?

i might have the chance to move to a different state for my job.... it's a move i really want from Baltimore to Raleigh-Durham. Brian is like NO NO NO we are NOT moving.

I make 3 times what he makes.. what would you do?

Well in our case... when I got my first job, he quit his job that he'd had for years to move from NY to CO... I was going to be making about twice what he was making.

BUT, he wanted to move to CO anyway, so I didn't exactly have to twist his arm. He did always say that no matter where I got a job, he would quit and move... but I can't imagine if I got a low paying job in a nowhere town him being able to move.

I think marriage is about compromise... and you both should be able to discuss the pros and cons... instead of one person just sayin "Nope, aint gonna happen". When I first got the job, we went out to dinner to try to figure out what exactly we should do... Even if you wind up not moving... I think you deserve more of a discussion than that!

Oooooh, Sweet! Wow, congrats on the offer! Do you know how GOOD I would feel about myself if someone said to me, "Hey, we got a job for ya down here at the triangle!"

He really doesn't want to move? There's SO much opportunity down there, and that whole area keeps growing and growing. Continues to be one of the hottest labor markets in the country year after year, IT, Bio-tech, Nanotech, you name it, its down there. Plus a lot of these companies will invest in their employees if they move to work for them, so you really have the opportunity, both of you at free higher education! I would lay the endless possibilites out in front of him, and make them impossible to ignore.

At the same time, I do see his point of view. My fiance (Bill) is from upstate New York, born and bred, and all his brothers and sisters are there except for one (and she usually lives there, but she works for FEMA and gets 6-12 month assignments in places.) A lot of his neices and nephews have gone south and out west for opportunities, and most of them unequivocally HATE it! To be quite honest, most of them have come back. The last one is coming home from Pheonix in March. (The funny part is, growing up in New England and living in New York City, in my mind, Baltimore is a southern city! LOL!)

Maybe if you frame it in the context of, "If we are absolutely miserable, we'll come back north." Because I honestly think, my initial reaction would be the same as his. But then, if you think about all the money you could make, and how comfortable you could be, the two of you upon your retirement could where ever in the world you want to, and how nice that would be!

Good luck to you. What you are going through is a really hard thing!

Nessa, hon... I can't truly answer this for you. But, if it meant a bunch more money and a better work environment, I'd ask him if he could figure out a way to make it on his own if I left, cuz if I'm the breadwinner, and he can't live on his own, he's got some serious things to consider before making emphatic "no" statements like that.

But, ah... yeah... don't know what to tell you.
~phos

why is brian so against it?

when do you have to make a decision about it by?
if you have time, take some baby steps... could you "sell" him on a warmer climate? an up and coming area, but cheaper to live. a home with more _____ (fill in what may get his interest)

i have been looking to relocate down south. did a lot of looking at areas on line..what my CT retirement dollars could buy me down there. there are a lot of nice areas.

nessa, is this a transfer with the company you are with?

brian has never lived anywhere but here.

his family and friends are here.

it's not an offer yet, in fact it's just a thought... it may NOT happen.
and turning it down is no biggie...

i work for Social Security Administration. this would be opening a second data center for the national computer center. since i'm already a headquarters component, it's really my only shot at moving.... IF it happens...

if it does it won't be for at least a year and it won't be mandatory.

my in laws are all for it if it happens...

*nodding*
ok good! so its nothing definate yet... you have the time to let him get used to the idea... take a nice vacation to the area...let it all sink into his brain in little bits and pieces so he can intergrate the idea of what if maybe...

i figured it was a knee jerk reaction on his part...everything i know is here! (which i can relate too) but i figure with time, and nessa "prodding" to "step outside the box" you got a shot to pull it off.

if this pans out, is it a step up for you? a "sell" point if it is. if not and a lateral, hopefully he listens that its something you'd really like to try. and i'm assuming, its a move from family and friends for you also.

Hey...I live in the Raleigh-Durham area!!! I just moved here from Texas to be with my boyfriend Alec.

It's lovely out here....actually...I think I drove past the building you'd be working in the other day. *grin*

As for moving...I want Alec to move in a few years back to Texas....I think the key is to let guys think it's their idea. lol.

In your case though...I would just let him know how much this means to you and what a great new adventure it would be.

Nadine.

IF you drove past our building LOL.. cause they haven't even picked it yet...

i do think it's fear on his part.. he's painfully shy ask phossy...

oh well it's not something that's going to happen real soon.

LOL...ok maybe I just drove past the SS admin building or something. Hmmm.

Well..if yall decide to take a trip down here to visit and check the area out let me know...I'm learning my way around and would love to meet another age gap couple!

Nadine.

He's shy, yes, but not really "painfully." Once he has his bearings (like a normal person) he's rather open and talkative... especially if you just ASK him a question about RC cars. :eek:

I'd say more easy going and an observer... kinda like those kids at the pool that sort of sit on the side watching the dynamic of how all the other kid relate, who later goes and sticks a toe in the pool to check the temperature then slowly goes in.

Not the kind who gets to the pool, strips and runs and does a cannonball on all the other kids... ROFLAO.

There is a need for both kinds of people... outgoing and introverted. They usually compliment each other, too. :D
~phos

Not the kind who gets to the pool, strips and runs and does a cannonball on all the other kids.




oh you mean like ME?????:D


well by the time i got home last night he had figured out how far it was from the camp ground, how many RC tracks there were and that umm maybe this could work....

ROFLAO...

Well, it IS Nascar country, so one would think there would be a LOT of RC car racing going on, too. ;)

YOU are definitely more outgoing and the jump right in kinda gal. ;)
~phos

It sounds like he just needed some time to get used to the idea. I do it myself all the time--even for silly things like whether or not to make an impromptu visit to see family over the weekend. My husband knows that if he wants me to be on board with something, he has to introduce the notion in my head waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in advance. :)

I agree with Emzak...I'm pretty slow and cautious and if someone springs something on me, my first reaction is usually panic! I just don't thrive on change like some people, and it sounds like Bri is like that too.

I'd keep talking a bit about it, but try not to push too hard...maybe take a trip there, and discuss trying it out.

It's always hard to decide on moving or staying and I worry about that when I finish my degree - whether I'll want to move for more school or a good job. Also, he is talking about maybe switching to another job. And the one he would like would likely entail living out of our country. But, I think it's a give-and-take: in a committed relationship you both need to do what is best for the relationship, while at the same time not sacrificing the things that you REALLY need for yourself....not always easy.