SO's children

Does your SO have kids he is no longer in contact with?

I'm asking b/c my SO has three grown children. He's actually a (gasp) Grandpa! Sure doesn't look like one. Anyway, he hasn't had contact with this kids since they were little. He and his first wife had an UGLY divorce. She wanted her new husband to legally adopt the kids and my SO said, "No way!". She then started flaking on visitation and not adhering to the custody agreement. She continued requesting that my SO sign over his parental rights so her kids could have her hubby's new last name. She said it would be in name only and that my SO could still see the kids when he wanted and she would make sure they called him "Dad". My SO reluctantly did so believing in the agreement (I saw the legal papers). The NEXT day she took off with the kids. No forwarding address. Nothing. This went on for five years. My SO recruited his family to try and find them. Nothing. Finally, they moved back to the area, but the damage had already been done. My SO's kids thought he was a bastard and wanted nothing to do with him. Still, he pressed on. He sent cards, gifts, and he never got a response.

My mom knew my SO's ex and I understand she was quite the vindictive woman. No one has anything nice to say about her. My SO's son ran away when he was 15 and called him for help. Said he hated his mother and that they missed having my SO around. My SO explained what happened and how he'd try to find them and his son lost it. He couldn't believe his mother took them away from their father. My SO returned his son back home and promptly got into a screaming match with his ex. She denied everything.

So my question is, how do you deal with knowing your SO has children, but doesn't see them? They're all grown now (20, 21, 23) and all have children (that should tell you something about the mom). He's called them and said he's there if they need him, but nothing. It makes me sad when Father's Day rolls around and they ignore him. I know they have there own version of the truth and probably believe my SO abandoned them. Not true. My SO's ex actually left for 6 mos. and my SO was on his own with three small children. He loves them and when we talk about them he tears up and can't talk about it anymore. He's tried so hard only to be rebuffed. When his daughter gave birth he sent a gift and she called him saying, "Don't ever contact me!" My SO was heartbroken.

My SO would like to have a child so he can "try again", but what if one day his kids want a relationship? I've told them they are welcome anytime and while it may be awkward for me, I want him to have a relationship with his kids should they come looking for one.

Anyone been through something similar? Please don't blast him for signing over his parental rights. I would NEVER be with a man that didn't love his children or try to be there. There are extinuating circumstances. Just wanted to know if anyone else has gone through something like this. Thanks!

No...he has 2 kids and he works with his son everyday and sees his daughter at least once a week.

Sounds like a sticky situation...sorry, nothing similar here.

Don't worry. You won't get any blasting from me. My husband did something similar--he signed over legal custody of his two kids (now 15 and 11) in exchange for "frequent and liberal visitation", which unfortunately means nothing when you're dealing with a vindictive ex who tries to use their kids as pawns to "punish" him for leaving. In fact, we are now back in court with his ex-wife trying to hammer out a specific visitation schedule and joint legal custody. :rolleyes:

It sounds like his son is coming around. Maybe he can, in time, influence his other siblings. As for his daughter, who knows what the real issue is? Maybe she is really close with her mother and prefers not to hear the truth. It's so hard to say. The best thing your bf can do is to keep reaching out to her and try not to take it so personally. Also, don't use Father's Day as a yardstick of how they feel about him--sometimes kids are dopey, and when they're only in their early 20s, the last thing they worry about is how to make dad happy. Even if he saw them every day, they STILL might not have bothered with Father's Day!

My SO would like to have a child so he can "try again", but what if one day his kids want a relationship? I've told them they are welcome anytime and while it may be awkward for me, I want him to have a relationship with his kids should they come looking for one.

Whether or not your bf has a new baby has no bearing on his relationship with his older children. They may be jealous of the baby, but your bf can help them work out their feelings.

Actually, his son ran away years ago. I think it happened about 7 years ago or so. No contact since then with either of his kids.

I meant to say I told "him" that if they wanted a relationship I'd welcome it. I've actually never met any of his kids.

From what I understand his ex is a staunch Catholic and has all of her kids under her thumb in a big way. I think his kids feel if they contact my SO that they'd be betraying her. ALL of his kids got pregnant or had kids in their teens. The ex forced all of them to marry b/c it's the Catholic way. I mean, they're all in their early 20s and each have three kids. WTF?! We found out about 3 mos ago that his youngest is expecting. AGAIN. But birth control is strictly forbidden in the Catholic Church. See where I'm going with this?

Emzak, I wish you and your SO luck! That has got to be rough. I don't see why ex's have to be so vindictive. The only purpose it serves is hurting the children. :(

Hubby has three grown sons, and his ex tried to pull many of those same stunts when the boys were little. Fortunately, they have come around and now at least have somewhat of a relationship.

His youngest son doesnt have much a relationship with hubby because of the things his mother said about hubby.

I know this all is really a tough situation for you and your SO. Its tough to deal with less than ideal parent-kid relationships. I also dont think a new baby would inhibit a relationship between your SO and his kids. If anything, it may encourage the relationship. Sometimes having siblings (even if they are only half-siblings), can cause grown children to re-enter their parent's lives alittle.

Thanks for all your input! I have no idea how his kid's would react if we were to have a child. I know nothing about who they are as people. I'm not even sure if they know about us. If they do, they probably hate it and his ex is having a field day.

yes,mine does..he has one son.at first he had contact,then it ended after awhile for about 3 years,now they see each other once in a while.

I can't be around him.The first time the kid ever spoke to me,his first words to me were."YOU FUCKING OLD BITCH"....hmmmm,I guess he didn't like me too much..oh yes and he was 8 or 9 at the time.funny,but I just did not seem to remember speaking to an adult in that way at that age????

I don't care one way or the other if he has contact..I just choose NOT to.I also choose not to have him over where we live because I really don't know what he is capable of,and I'm not going to have something happen to one of my animals because of it.

It's his choice how he wants to deal with his kid.I don't have kids and don't have to have them around me when they want to act like that.

Nafadda, I cannot believe a child that age spoke to you in that manner! Speaks volumes about his mother. That kid is lucky you didn't bust out a can o' whoop ass. How did your SO react?

My parents are divorced and they never pulled any crap like keeping me from one another. Then again, I was a teenager.

There are some crappy people in this world that suck at life. I think my SO's ex is one of them. I mean, c'mon! Forcing your kid to get married so you won't look bad in church? Ridiculous. And driving into your kids' head that birth control is wrong? With AIDS and all of the diseases? BAH!

There are some crappy people in this world that suck at life. I think my SO's ex is one of them. I mean, c'mon! Forcing your kid to get married so you won't look bad in church? Ridiculous. And driving into your kids' head that birth control is wrong? With AIDS and all of the diseases? BAH!

Yup, there's actually a number of people out there that see things this way. My parents do as well. And they're not even religious. :rolleyes: But anyhow, it's still their choice and it is the right thing for them...just sucks when you see kids pulled/pressured into it without getting a chance to make their own decisions.

I've had to watch my baby sister marry a guy that I know (I can feel it though she'd never admit it) she doesn't love, and have 2 kids with, just because she got preggers after only knowing him for a few weeks...yep she was 19 at the time. My three other siblings were all married in their teens too, and yes, all were pregnant or had already had a child together.

Not sure what happened to me :eek: but I can tell you that my parents are somewhat disappointed and confused by the fact that I am still dating, have no kids and am STILL going to school at the age of 29. LOL. :p

I could tell stories of ex-wives that would curl toes. It is not men who are deadbeats for the most part. No really. If a woman tells you that the father is a deadbeat who wants nothing to do with their kid, won't pay support ect.. chances are he did try and she denied him. Not saying that there aren't deadbeats out there. Just saying that a lot of times in my experience and what I've seen it is the MOTHER.

I was raised by a single father and my mother lived in a beautiful brand new home boats,jeeps all that shit and paid NOTHING in support while we lived in a 2 bedroom apt.

I have an ex-wife. Okay, she's my husband's ex but since the money she gets comes out of my house and the aggravation I get, she is mine too.

On to the topic. If you are ready for your own kids and your man wants to have them then go for it regardless of what his kids may or may not think. Frankly? They are grown ADULTS now and should be able to distinguish the "truth" on their own by now. Strict catholic mother or not. They went against her when they had their kids early right?

They already know the truth anyways. They are just choosing the easy road. Not the akward one that will make them face what they already know, and make them see the bad in their own mom. If they stay away from dad then they don't have to deal with it.

As for signing his rights away. Most men do. Not because they don't love their kids but because they are "talked" into it or just don't have the fight left in them anymore. The mom has sucked the fight right out.

Sadly, the courts here almost ALWAYS take moms side regardless of the situation. We have papers stating when and how long and all that bullshit but much like a restraining order against them man who walks right through to hit his wife, the ex sees right through her order to grant visitation and does whatever the fuck she pleases. The man then takes her to court where it gets dragged on and on until the man gives up or the kids have gone so long that they don't want to see him anymore. That's how mommies lawyers get around that. Been there done that!!

So have a baby with him when the time is right. I'd say factor his other children in if they were small children and didn't know the difference between the truth and what mom says. But they are adults and not considering their dad's feelings. So, go ahead.

~Jenna

Oh, hit a nerve there!! Can anyone tell?

~Jenna

Polarity, Yeah, I can see it hit a nerve!;) I don't blame you. Sometimes men do get the short end of the stick in court re: custody. I know my own brother has gone through it even though he's proven to be more stable than his son's mom. Ugh.

Well, my mom was abandoned by her Dad. My Gram would never have denied him visitation. He just up and left and never came back until my mom was like... 45 or something, and then only cuz his new wife found out about the kids and hit the freakin' roof. :eek:

My son's Dad was also "abandoned" but for the reasons that Polarity stated. His mom and dad had been very, very young when they started having kids and had a violent, volitile relationship from hell and he thought the best thing for the kids was to stay away. He was right. She remarried an older guy with six kids, mellowed majorly (I LOVE my son's gramma, seriously!) and after 12 years of no contact, I started writing him cuz I felt that my ex's assessment was wrong. As a result, my contact snowballed like crazy and he came and visited, explained himself, they all healed from the years of hurt, and then he was even invited to the eldest sons wedding a couple years ago and both parents danced with each other. :eek:

I'm still very glad I reached out to my son's grampa, because he passed away last year, and I couldn't imagine my ex spending his whole life thinking he had been abandoned by a spiteful, hateful, evil man. I just didn't think the story was like that ~ and was more like him thinking he was saving the kids a lot of pain by avoiding fights in front of them. I was right. And as a result, my son at least knew his grampa and all four of those kids got a chance to get to know their Dad. And I'm SO thankful their mom didn't hate me for it. ;) She grew up into one of THE most amazing women I've ever met, so I really don't hold her accountable for anything but being young, scared, angry and all that.

And, I'm pretty sure the fact that my ex went through all that contributes to him being such a LARGE part of his sons life even though we divorced. We are friends, despite everything, because we both put our sons needs FIRST and love him endlessly and I respect my ex for NOT bailing and accepting my anger for the first couple months and not running. We really are good friends now, because of the ability to build respect in the aftermath of hell.

~phos

I think being abandoned by a father does make guys more determined to be part of their kids life, which almost makes it worse when courts and kids mom's pull visitation out from under them.

My father in law left my mother in law pregnant with two little kids because he couldnt stand to be in the same state with her anymore. Hubby was 3 at the time. He didnt see him again til he was 26 and had 3 kids of his own. Even then, the only reason they got in touch was because hubby and his sister sent a letter to everyone with the same last name in the entire state of Arkansas. Of course its an unusual enough last name, they all ended up being family members and told my father in law his kids were looking for him.

Going through that really made hubby appreciate having his own children. He knew how much he missed having his father around growing up, so he knew there was no way he would ever want that to happen to his kids. Then the courts gave his ex full-custody and he got to see them MAYBE once a month. Makes it really hard.

You would think people would want both parents to be involved with the child, but I guess it just doesnt work that way. Hopefully, someday the courts will wake up and start giving both parents equal access to the children that they are both equally related to.

You would think people would want both parents to be involved with the child, but I guess it just doesnt work that way. Hopefully, someday the courts will wake up and start giving both parents equal access to the children that they are both equally related to.

Well, they get equal access to dad's bank accounts regardless of wether or not he has access to his kids.

Here's my take on child support. Dad's should pay to help the mom raise the kids in what would have been expected should dad still live there. That's where my agreement with dad paying child support ends.

I don't think that my husband should pay support for his kids. Here's why.

The mother has chosen to shoulder the responsibilty of raising those kids on her own. Emotionally, physically and I think that if it is HER choice she should also accept full finiacial responsibilty. By not allowing the dad to help raise his kids in the other aspects of child rearing she is saying she doesn't need his help (which all mothers/fathers do need the help regarless of the situation) and that should include finiacially. She will say she can raise them on her own without his help except money wise? And the courts agree with this, even after years of study that tell us children from divorced families almost always did better when both parents are involved.

My husbands ex has chosen to raise his kids on her own but still takes his money every month. He fought her for awhile and it got to the point were the kids were put into such a bad place that when they arrived here Friday night his oldest wouldn't speak to me. I'd ask her what did I do? She'd tell me "my mom says I am not allowed to talk to you." The mother would call a spazz saying " you don't cook,you don't clean, you don't brush their hair, you don't take them to the movies,library, church you do nothing for them, their dad will do it when they are there!!". She was demanding I run my house the way she wanted and that their dad did everything for them and I was to take part in none of it!!

She called and raised hell because I breastfed in front of her kids. She screamed "stop flashing you tits to my kids!" :eek: What? She would send her daughter with a list of things to find out about me. When all she had to do was to call and ask me. She was constantly telling us we wouldn't see them anymore. We wouldn't for months and we are now on the second stint where we haven't seen them in a year or more.

So, after fighting with her and having the kids put in the middle agaisnt their will and ours, we gave up. We decided that if we took ourselves out of the equation there would no longer be a middle to put them in.

That's why I don't think he should have to pay her a cent. She chose to do it on her own and I think doing it on your own when your an asshole should included finiacially. But she lives in a nice house out in the country, drives a brand new car every other year, takes vacation 3 or more times a year all of which is paid for with child support money. She still calls and asks for more money for extra curricular activities like Dance,Ice-skating lessons ect.. All of which are paid for in the custody agreement and she could afford if she didn't have all the extras.

A little bitter? Maybe. But it is bullshit that mom's walk all over the dad's and the dad's just take it. Dad's get a raw deal. But, I say that because I've watched women pull their stunts to many times.

~Jenna

Grrrr... it infuriates me when the parent who gets child support doesn't use it for what it's intended... the kids! Child support SHOULD NOT finance vacations, dinners out, etc. It should be for the kids (i.e. clothes, school expenses, medical care, food) and the kids ONLY.

In our case it is not used on the children. They haven't even been on any of these vacations. I've had to go buy them clothes to wear because they came dressed in rags. Yes, I saw it as a possible ploy to get me to buy clothes, which I did but I kept them at my house:D

One time the oldest came in a pair of size 3 shoes her toes were literally sticking out. I took her to get new ones and near fell over when I bought a women's size 7!!! Mom's just an asshole. Oh, how I would have loved have said that!!

But then there has been times when I took the oldest to buy a winter coat and she picked it out. Two weeks later when I saw her again she was wearing a brand new winter coat she said she hated. I asked where the one I bought her went and she said her mom didn't like it and gave it away:eek: I imagine she thought I'd picked it out.

But, the money is not really the issue. We've always paid it so it's not like we miss it. Although 600 bucks more a month would be nice. I only have an issue paying that money because it doesn't go on the kids and because he DOES NOT SEE THEM!! That's what gets me.

~Jenna

Jenna.....I completely agree with your stance on child support. The way its done now is just terrible. The first year after hubby's divorce, his child support payments left 200 bucks out of each paycheck. You cant even live on that.

He had very limited acess to his children and their mother convinced them to call him by his first name and call her boyfriend dad. Yet, he still had to pay. He financed her nursing school. He financed a new truck for her live-in boyfriend. He's kids didnt get one penny of the money.

I dont know why the system works that way, but its terrible and it needs to change.

It works that way because mom's cried the blues and will work that way until dad's start standing up for themselves.

It used to be that mom's had to pay income taxes on that money. They don't have to anymore because mom's fought it saying that it took money from the kids. I do agree with that part.

But!!BUT!!but!!...The amount that is to be paid is determined from the dad's GROSS income. Not his net. Which always ends up that he pays more because GROSS is always before taxes and always a larger sum. This makes no sence to me. So, in essence he pays taxes twice on that. The sum that is determined before taxes and he pays that but after taxes come off the paycheque!! Does that make sence? It does in my head.


And get this....his ex wife is with someone new. Should they split up the new guy has to pay for her "old" children. If she chooses to take him to court for my husband's kids he will be ordered to pay. So she will get paid twice!!!

I realize that the standard of living that the kids would have expected if dad was there should be upheld, but the standard of living should be kept as if he was paying taxes before bringing that pay cheque home to them. And not only that but I will say this...my man makes considerably more now than he did then, but that is MY doing. I sweated,bled and cried while he made a go of his business. I scrimped, scraved and went without while we got this business going. She did not. In fact he wasn't making enough money for her likeing, one of the reasons they split. But at the same time he was not to work week-ends as it interferred with her life.

Yet, we are to pay a standard of living allowance if his income goes up while with me? That is horrendously wrong. And she is entitled to half our business!!! Yes, half. Canadian law. This is mine and his business. Started well after their demise. That's wrong!!

Also, if he is to die? I am obligated by law to pay her until those kids are 18 even if it means selling my house to do it. Not only that, but she can force me to sell my house and split the money with her. As that would be a part of "his estate" and would go to her if they were still married. But THEY AREN'T!! It's the law though. Not that I'd lay down and just let her!!

There are few loop holes to get around that. For example, she can't touch my income no matter where is from. Only because I have children. If I did not have children she could take me to court for my share of child support!! I shit you not. Went through this with her 4 years ago, she lost but was awarded 10,000 and had it arranged that it be paid on my youngest sons birthday. So, there I was borrowing money on is birthday just to pay her. Sad.

So, what we did was we arranged it so that I get a paycheck that works out so that he is making what he did when they divorced and I make more:D Fuck her!!

Money is paid not payments have ever been missed and when asked to pay extra for skating, dance whatever it has not been denied. When those kids get old enough they will be shown the papers that prove we fought,lost and fought some more. With receipts to show that they did not go without because of us.

~Jenna

Wow....and I thought the US is bad. At least after a divorce, the ex is no longer entitled to another half of his stuff. She already got her half when they split. I cant believe the laws are that bad. I would be more than alittle pissed off to be in your situation.

I'm a bit bitter. I try not to be and in the meantime try to keep everything in my name.

This is why I didn't post in the "wills" section:D

~Jenna

OH, and I forgot to mention...that the family responsibility office will automatically defer his payments to me should he die. She won't even have to take me for it!! Nice huh?

~Jenna

Wow...I'm so sorry you guys have things that bad. I mean, wow, that really sucks.

Hubby got a raw deal, lived out of his truck for awhile to make payments and such. But, nothing compared to all of those rules. I cant imagine being responsible for HIS ex. Afterall, she isnt my ex.

Yikes. I really just cant believe they've got things that screwed up.

Okay, for a humourous spin? I tell him he should go to her house for his blowjobs:D After all we do pay for them:D One less thing for me to do!!

A little twisted? But funny, if you heard me say it in person:D Gets me through.

Karma will boomarang on her and take her head clean off one day and all I can say is "I'm glad I'm not her!!"

~Jenna

Okay, for a humourous spin? I tell him he should go to her house for his blowjobs:D After all we do pay for them:D One less thing for me to do!!

A little twisted? But funny, if you heard me say it in person:D Gets me through.

Karma will boomarang on her and take her head clean off one day and all I can say is "I'm glad I'm not her!!"

~Jenna
LOL...thats great. You are paying the price for the sex he had, might as well continue.

I agree with you on the Karma thing, I think the same way about hubby's ex. I dont have to deal with her as much as you do with your guys ex, but she's still around.

I totally agree with you on the child support should go to the child's care. I mean I have heard what my SO's ex does with the support. Like she didn't use it for the kids so she was out of money for the power bill and groceries. SO he went out and paid the the bills and groceries on top of his month support. His youngest even told me that she once took the middle child on vaction to Mexico and left her with the eldest child with no real food in the house. He even extened his support payments to go to his son's college and he found out now that she didn't contribute any of it. He was planning on pulling the support but has decided against it while he is still living at home and going to school. And if his son needs the money, he can go to his mother for it because it is there.

But back to the original posting, he does see his children, he is just tired of his ex wifes manipulation of them. His eldest two arealways defending her because she is so flexable when it comes to discipline and she is always making him out to be the bad guy. His youngest though is such a daddy's girl that she may not look at her dad as the bad man. Now I have just met the woman and I can tell she likes to play little games. I don't know how she puts up with her!