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confused_415 02-15-2006, 09:01 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok this is a bad one. My OM (35 for those who dont know) had letters from when he was in jail. His ex and him wrote back and forth. I got curious and started snooping, I found out a bunch of stuff he would have never told me that I feel I should know about (like for example, how he got married in jail and how his fiancee was put in jail for 11 months because she was with him at the time, and how he was still married to the first wife when he got engaged to her). I was talking to him on the phone while he was at work and he sensed something was bothering me. I wouldnt say what but I told him I read the letters and he flipped out and told me that I was invading his privacy. I want to know about his past is all. I immedately told him that if he doesnt want them read by me then he better get it out of the apt. we live in. He was really upset and hung up on me. When he got home we agrued and talked about it, but nothing got resolved. Today he packed up the stuff and put it in his car. He acted like nothing happened and everything should be okay. I dont understand why he doesnt want me to know about his past, since he keeps bringing up the fact that it is the past, if it really is behind him why does it matter if I look at it or not. Am I just being selfish or disrespectful like he says or is this normal????
Momma Nessa 02-15-2006, 09:48 PM your not going to like me...
your being abused. emotionally abused.
it's the worst kind of abuse because the bruises don't show.
you told him to get his stuff out of the apartment so he did. now your pissed at that.
what you wanted was for him to tell you all the things that he doesn't want to tell you.
I have two trains of thought here
1. he has a right to his past and his privacy which is his past and none of your business
2. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't think I had a right to know EVERYTHING about him.
chikygrl13 02-15-2006, 10:03 PM I've got to go with Nessa! EVERY HEALTHY relationship needs HONESTY and communication to survive! Sorry, but it looks like you're not getting either!
And I've gotta ask what he did to get himself thrown in jail? Cause depending on the crime, that can't be too healthy either.
jesique 02-15-2006, 10:52 PM I have two trains of thought here
1. he has a right to his past and his privacy which is his past and none of your business
2. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't think I had a right to know EVERYTHING about him.
I had those same trains of thought also.
Nadine.
Nasmah 02-16-2006, 12:14 PM I guess everything has been said already, he has the right to keep certain things private...but not that ones, especially since they effect (sp) your relationship.
I would seriously wonder if i want to be with someone who has been in jail for a reason he hides.One of the first things you do when you start a relationship is trying to get to know as much as you can the person you are with, so you can share everything and grow as a couple.
If you cannot do that with him and he is lacking in other things you need him to give you,you are stuck in a relationship that goes nowhere, as i see it.
Be patient and try to make him feel comfortable and talk about himself,what you did was not right, but it was not so bad either.
good luck :)
Marķa
Emzak 02-16-2006, 02:54 PM Speaking as someone who has done a LOT of snooping in her day :p, I can't say I fault you for what happened. Heck, I probably would've done the exact same thing! :D
With my ex, I was the Queen of Snoop. Somehow I just got this sense that something was "off" so I did a little investigating. Lo and behold, turns out he was having an affair with a classmate. Am I ashamed for snooping? Yeah, kinda. Do I regret it? HELL, NO! My ex was certainly not going to volunteer this info and it gave me enough emotional strength to leave the relationship once and for all.
Even with my husband, who I trust completely, I still snoop sometimes. Usually out of boredom. :p Most of the time, I don't see anything interesting. But every now and then, I might stumble upon an old letter or photo that I would ask him about--like the other day when I found a letter from one of his ex-gf's--and he never got mad at me. His past is an open book.
That said, I understand that not everybody feels that way. It's understandable for your bf to feel that you intruded on his privacy. However, he's also hiding some big stuff about his past from you, which raises a red flag for me. :(
(((((HUGS)))))
confused_415 02-16-2006, 11:37 PM He went to jail for drug pocession, he didnt do drugs just sold them. I guess his fiancee at the time was with him when the raid occured and they were all thrown in jail. she did 11 months and he did 4 years. They got married when he was in jail.
I never knew that she went to jail and especially didnt know it was his fault. I didnt know they got married while they were both in jail and I didnt know that he was still married to the first woman when he got engaged to the second.
Snooping has been the best thing I have done in a while, last night he came home got into bed and started talking about things in his past. He understands my need to know and said he was sorry for turning the whole situation around and blaming me, at least I was honest and told him I looked at it.
It's not that I'm mad he took it away but why after I look at it and not a long time ago when I asked him the first time before I got curious.
As for knowing his past, I dont need to know every little detail but I want to know the basics. I want to know that he didnt graduate high school and that he went to jail, I want to know if his ex calls and why they parted. I want to know that we wont have the same problems and I want to know that he really is over her. Maybe I'm asking for too much but I think the only way for our relationship to grow is to learn about eachother. 10 years from now if we are together and have children I dont want him telling them stories that I havent heard about, I dont want to feel like the child learning something new with my own children. I dont want to be with all of his friends and him and he start talking about his ex or what they did the day they got arrested and feel like the idiot in the room. Maybe I dont make sense, maybe I'm being naive and immature, regardless if he cares he should understand especially since I've been so open and told him basically everything that I have a need to know about.
I want him to know everything about me. I have no problem with him going through all of my stuff especially if it's in the apt we live in. I want to share everything and anything. I want that trust from him. I have nothing to hide and if I accidentally didnt tell him something I would apologize and explain it.
Momma Nessa 02-17-2006, 01:10 AM i have one question
do you really think it's better that he SOLD drugs to others instead of him taking drugs?
I'm glad he's talking to you and you feel better.
I just hope you don't get too hurt hon.
this man runs a strip joint right?
he never has sex with you but he's a porn freak right?
you met him while you were stripping in his club right?
what do you do now? do you work? do you go to school?
I know i'm just a stupid old woman and I don't understand how YOU feel. and I know that YOUR case is different.... and even if he wasn't different before he is with you... but....
oh and yes I do know for a fact that men can change when they meet the woman they truly love. my hubby was a player... big time..... he even tried to play me... i almost left him..... he realized he was losing me.... he stopped playing.... not all men will.
confused_415 02-17-2006, 09:08 PM Nessa- to answer your questions firstly.
do you really think it's better that he SOLD drugs to others instead of him taking drugs? in a way, because he isnt addicted and doesnt do it and hes healthy which means I can be with him longer, as for him selling I dont approve but I guess it was easy money then, it doesnt bother me that he did that.
this man runs a strip joint right? he's the assistant manager. He used to work as a car salesman but he makes more money doing nothing at this place so he stayed there.
he never has sex with you but he's a porn freak right? the porn has almost stopped. He doesnt look at it on the computer but when his "coworkers" get a magazine or some picture he puts it on his phone instantly, nude, half naked anything that shows skin.
you met him while you were stripping in his club right? yea, not proud of it and I dont know what I'll tell my kids but what I can I do.
what do you do now? work retail, lord and taylor, a dead-end job but it okay for now. I dont pay the bills I just save or spend it on what I want or something for my OM.
do you work? yes, see above. (lol I feel like I'm taking a test, good practice which leads me to the last question)
do you go to school? I'm starting in April. He totally supports me.
So I hope that clears a little bit up.
You are not a stupid old woman and you seem to understand how I feel pretty well.
I thank you and everyone very much for your help and just for listening. I want so badly to work everything out. It just seems like we are running into more problems then making memories of loving times. It's a rocky road and if (and when) we get through it I know we will be one of the happiest couples around, with a few flaws of course (every healthy relationship has em.)
Momma Nessa 02-17-2006, 10:28 PM one thing...
While a GOOD relationship requires WORK IT IS NOT HARD and it does NOT hurt. YOU will not sit and go "WHY am I here? what am I doing? WHAT IS WRONG. You don't think about would it be better if I left. While fights HAPPEN they aren't so frequent that you can clock them. I know brian and I fight but I can't tell you the last time we did.
Think about these things you don't have to answer them to me. are you happy more than 75% of the time? do you feel safe ALL THE TIME, do you question why you are doing what your doing more than once or twice a month? (even i wonder what was I thinking on the days i have to get up and run girl child to school, then go to work, or on days I want to buy shoes and I can't cause SHE needs BRAS or something...)
relationships don't hurt. you don't second guess yourself.
missymissus 02-18-2006, 12:21 PM one thing...
While a GOOD relationship requires WORK IT IS NOT HARD and it does NOT hurt. YOU will not sit and go "WHY am I here? what am I doing? WHAT IS WRONG. You don't think about would it be better if I left. While fights HAPPEN they aren't so frequent that you can clock them. I know brian and I fight but I can't tell you the last time we did.
Think about these things you don't have to answer them to me. are you happy more than 75% of the time? do you feel safe ALL THE TIME, do you question why you are doing what your doing more than once or twice a month? (even i wonder what was I thinking on the days i have to get up and run girl child to school, then go to work, or on days I want to buy shoes and I can't cause SHE needs BRAS or something...)
relationships don't hurt. you don't second guess yourself.
I pretty much agree with everything already said. Although, I think you do second guess yourself once and while when you are startingn out in a relationship. But then again, most people second guess themselves at least once or twice whenever they make in major life changing decision, such as whether or not to be in a relationship. HOWEVER, I think if you second guess yourself more than once, or if those thoughts/feelings last longer than a moment or two, you really should seriously consider that maybe the relationship is not for you.
Emzak 02-18-2006, 05:52 PM Maybe I'm asking for too much but I think the only way for our relationship to grow is to learn about eachother.
No, you're not asking for too much. You're just asking enough questions so that you can feel comfortable with him and, more importantly, with the relationship, which is perfectly reasonable. If he starts being defensive or evasive, then HE is the one with the problem, not you.
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