Difference of opinions with kids

Alright, here's the scoop. My SO and I have a little bit of different opinions when it comes to kids. And this is the only place in our relationship where our age difference comes into play. Being the fact that I'm (almost) 25, there is still time for me to have another child. He's 42 and "fixed". Now I know this can be reversed, but here's the part that irks me. He told his last g/f that he would get it reversed for her. And now he refuses. I can kind of understand as you never know what is going to happen. And I do understand the fact that when you have a 19 year old that it is a bit much to get into a relationship with someone who has a 9 month old and have to do it all over. I've just been thinking about this because he was having a really bad day Sunday and we got into a bit of a "discussion" about it. I won't say fight, because it wasn't. He told me that if it was that important to me to start looking for someone else. I know, and he even admitted, that he only said that because he doesn't want me to have any regrets. Now granted, I would like to have more kids, but I know I am truly blessed with the one I have. I told him that if it was something he was totally set on, that I would learn to accept it if it meant being with him. Now of course I've been thinking so much about it. I would absolutely love to have kids with him, but I really don't know if he wants to start that over again. This all was making sense to me in my head, but now that I have it written down, it just doesn't sound quite right. The good thing I guess is that we are both willing to give up something important to make the other happy because we love them. But should it be to this extreme. :confused: Maybe I'm just thinking too much, because I know I'm rambling. Any feedback, good or bad, is very much appreciated.

~Gypsy~

Well, from the sound of your post, you both have A child. His 19, yours 9 months. If you end up marrying him, you WILL be raising a child together. Yours.

There ARE other options available to you. Fostering. Adoption? I mean, maybe he's concerned about his age in raising another baby. Maybe he's honestly scared about going under the knife again to reverse the surgery with the possibility it might not work. :eek: Maybe he doesn't want to make TWO more 18+ year commitments. Maybe its all of the above.

If you really want your baby to have a sibling to play with, why not wait a year or two, take some classes in your county to become a foster parent, and do some innocent child victim a favor ~ and give them a home. (Many foster situations can be foster-adoption situations!)

JUST a thought. I've known several kids who were foster-adoption kids where I grew up and had great loving homes. One of my closest friends families in HS, they had four kids and fostered a young brother and sister who they eventually adopted.

There are so many alternatives to having biological kids. You already have one. So does he. Why not go a non-traditional route which doesn't mean he has to go under the knife on an "if?"

Welcome to MTaG.
~phos

Gypsy,

Are you really more upset that he isn't willing to reverse the surgey for you, but would for someone else or about not having his child?

I only ask because I think I would be hurt by that alot as well. I am 38, I have an 11 year old, my bf is 23, he wants a child, somedays I want another and somedays I think... that means 18 more years.

Different opinions about how many kids to have or not to have is really something to talk about. I know how strong the urge to have one can be (I'm alittle nutsoid in the baby department), and it would be hard to ignore those feelings.

Like phos said, there are many different ways to be a parent. Fostering, adoption, or biological are all things to think about.

My husband is going to do the reversal surgery, and its not something I think any guy would really want to think about. Its probably not very appealing to think about a guy with a knife down there. If your guy doesnt want to do the surgery, but does want a child with you, they can do sperm retrieval and then some form of assisted insemination.

I've had my tubes tied and honestly, I'm very satisfied with the two I have. That being said, if Adam decides he wants a biological child then I'll have a reversal. I think it's only fair when one partner hasn't had any children yet that the other give them that option.

But, you've both been blessed with two beautiful, healthy children. Feel blessed and focus on enjoying your time together.

I get freaked out sometimes thinking I can't give Adam a bio baby if he decides he wants one, but he's always assured me that two are plenty. Once he said something that touched my heart. "Wouldn't you allow me to think of the girls as my own?" I said, "Of course, I would, that's what I want." He said, "The important thing is that I get the chance to be an important part of their life and that they can look back and be proud that I helped raise them."

Like Phos said, you will be raising a child together and that's the most important thing.

Welcome to MTaG.

Shan

The good thing I guess is that we are both willing to give up something important to make the other happy because we love them. But should it be to this extreme. :confused: Maybe I'm just thinking too much, because I know I'm rambling. Any feedback, good or bad, is very much appreciated.

~Gypsy~

This is where I got confused. You mention that you are both willing to give up something important...but what I can't figure out is...what is he willing to give up?

I'm sorry yall are having this disagreement...

And Welcome! :D

Nadine.

Thanks everyone for the welcome. :) I've just been lurking so long that I forgot I had never posted! lol You all have had some good advice and got me thinking in a different way. I guess I was so busy being selfish that I didn't consider anything else and how blessed we are to have the kids we do have. Right now the discussion has been set aside to enjoy other things, but I know it will come up again and now I have a slightly different approach. I knew I could count on you guys!! :D

~Gypsy~

be careful for what you wish for sometimes..you may get it...what I'm saying is maybe he REALLY doesn't want anymore kids and was trying to be honest about it,some people just don't want anymore,some people just don't want any...but if someone tells you they don't want them(or anymore) and then they change how they feel because someone else may feel differently at that point sometimes..they are having to hide their real feelings to make someone else happy...that’s not always a good thing and down the road may come back in a negative way...after all ,like you said,you both already have kids..I also did not see if you said how long you have been together.

if everything else is good..it may be best to just let stay the way it is

Hi and welcome. :)

I agree with what the others said about appreciating the baby you have now, but I don't see how that can possibly replace your desire for a second child, and frankly, I don't see why it should.

Phos brought up a good point--your baby is only 9 months old, so if you and your bf stay together, he will, in fact, have to "start that over again" anyway. He should feel HONORED to be able to do that for you and for your child.

And if he doesn't want to commit another 18+ years to a new baby? Well, that's fair enough, I suppose. But if he is serious about staying with you for the long haul, this means he is willing to spend the rest of his life watching you be unhappy because you gave up your dream of having more children. That doesn't seem fair OR loving. :confused:

Gypsy, you shouldn't have to give up something so important to you--for anybody. :(

Emzak,

I understand what you're saying completely. I'm not so sure it's a fear of having another one, but the fear of having the reversal. And I don't blame him either. And I know he is very honored to be able to be in my son's life. He adores him so much, he has withdrawls when he can't see him!! :)

Phos's idea of adoption is a good one for the simple fact I was miserable when I was pregnant. And I don't know if I could honestly go through that again.

I know I want to give us some more time with how we handle my son together. It has just gotten to the point lately of all three of us spending time together. My ex has been making things miserable, and I wanted to be sure that we were going to be together before I started bringing b/f into my son's life.

I was raised with 4 sisters and a brother, so I think one of my big worries is my son not having anyone else, because I don't know what it would be like. But in actuality, they were all only half siblings.

We've only been together for about 6 months, so we have some time before this really becomes an issue if it gets to that point. I think it was just bad timing to try to talk about it because he was having such a bad day. I will try again soon on a better day when his neck isn't hurting. Neither of us has given up on anything, so there's always a chance.

Thanks everyone for all of your insight and advice. I appreciate it all.

~Gypsy~

I think you may be right about timing. Wait another 3-6 months until things settle down more and bring it up again. Regarding the reversal, my husband just went through it last year so feel free to PM me with questions.