Revelation About Life With Adult Stepkids

I was in a discussion with another woman on a message board who had lost her mother and who's father recently remarried. The way she spoke about her relationship with her father and stepmom seemed very reminicient of a lot of the problems I have with the adult stepchildren. She felt his new wife had "changed" him, and he was making decisions he wouldn't make if he wasnt under her "influence." She spoke of how angry she was that dad sold the childhood house (she couldn't help pay to keep it, nor did she care about the chunk of change dad got and how it changed his life to unload the house on the market). She spoke about how dad and his wife take nice vacations and don't bring her and her husband and kids (she got very angry at me for suggesting that if her mother was still alive, she probably wouldn't be invited on mom and dad's romantic trip to Tuscany...and why in heck would she want to go on vacation with her dad at 26 years old anyway?)

It made me think yesterday of a piece of mail DF got yesterday. It was a birth announcement of his newest grandchild. It was addressed only to him, and there was a card made out, only to him. I sent his SS and DIL a Congrats on the New Baby card and emails. They never wrote back to me. How much trouble would it have been to put his future's wife name on the birth announcement? It made DF sad, he just threw it away. But the point is....the more times the kids do something like that...the more he believes they don't want to include me on anything related to the "family", not recognizing that in 6 weeks, I will be part of that family.

The more he believes this, the less he includes them in things that involve him and me. The less he includes them, the more they believe its my "influence" that's making him not include them. I'm not saying we'd keep the childhood house just because they wanted us to. We offered to give it to them, told them what the taxes, heat and upkeep was, but they have no interest. They also can't understand why I would want to put my investment into a property that belonged to another woman...and them (as they are so fond of pointing out!) We probably wouldn't invite them on our romantic vacation. Still...it just seems to be a viscious cycle that mostly puts DF in the middle. He's a good man and while he has his faults, this is very very hard on him...which is why I make it a point to ask after the kids, let him talk about them, talk about them with him...etc. etc. They do this all the time. Everyone gets a copy of the "family" calendar, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, they all have one under the Christmas tree with their name on it, but me. They plan a family "reuinion" upstate, everyone gets an invite with their wife or girlfriend's name on it, but DF. I've been cut off the "family" email list etc. etc. DF feels like trying to make me feel included is like pushing an egg through a hen. He doesn't want to pay for someone else's bad choices so he's slowly pulling away from them. He knows I'll support him and his family through anything.

They immediately believe its me who changed this relationship between them an their dad. But they can't realize even a little, its THEM who's changing this relationship between them and their dad. Every time he's tried to explain it, they shut off, and hate me more...thinking I put the words in his mouth.

I hope it gets better. But talking to this woman on the other board, I realized, a lot of the time it doesn't. She hasn't spoke to her dad in 2 years...and doesn't plan on doing it anytime soon.

Yikes...all I can do is hope.

Ugh. What a sucky situation! I'm sorry! It just goes to show you that even grown people act like 5 year old children when it comes to their parents. Going on vacation with them? I mean, I could see if it were something everyone wanted and planned, but to get angry because you're excluded? Ludicrous.

My mom is remarried and has been for years. I've grown to love him and am happy for my mom. I would never dream of telling her what to do with her finances or accuse her of being under someone's control. My dad is living with his SO and it's been hard watching the house I spent years in change (painting, redecorating, etc), but it's my dad's life and I'm not a baby anymore.

What a sorry group of whiny, feeling like they're entitled, babies. Seriously. That's what it reminds me of. I'm just sorry you have to deal with this. They have their version of the truth and YOU KNOW the truth. Just remember that when they act like spoiled brats that missed their naptime. Jesus.:mad:

Ugh, geez, SN...I didn't realize it was getting that bad. I feel ya, though. My bf's family refuses to believe that I'm his girlfriend...I can't even imagine what it'll be like if we ever get married.

The whole vacation thing IS totally stupid. Who brings their GROWN kids and grandkids on romantic vacations? :rolleyes: That's immature to think you should even be included.

If my bf and I get married, my "stepkids" (though I would hardly ever even consider them stepkids) are OLDER than I am...and frankly, I know I won't have ANY part in their lives. The nice thing though, is that my bf has a great relationship with both his kids...and I have realized that I'm just not going to be a part of that. His kids don't like me, and I don't really adore them, either. The days he goes to see them, I go to my rents house...it's not so bad. But believe me, I know what it feels like to not be included, and to feel like you are totally looked over. It seems to just be the age thing, for your "stepkids," at least that's how I see it. You haven't done anything to piss them off, right?

I guess I wouldn't know what it's like to have my mom or dad marry someone significantly younger, or someone around my age. I think it would probably suck...and that's something we, as in the people in the agr's, probably don't see. Hopefully with time, his family will come around...and they WILL realize that you are part of his life...it just sucks that people, especially adults, have to be that immature. :rolleyes:

My bf's family refuses to believe that I'm his girlfriend...I can't even imagine what it'll be like if we ever get married.



That's just stupid and pathetic! What excuse will they use when you're, say, 28? They should be grateful their dad/son/brother has found someone that loves him for who he is.

:mad:

I know. I think family is the number 1 thing that makes age gap relationships harder than the average. But, since we've been together about a year and a half, things have gotten better. His dad even told me that "if Ronnie loves you, then I do too." I thought that was a really nice thing to say. But his mom, and practically everyone in his family make things much harder. I'm hoping that by the time I'm 28, (which will be in about 8 freakin' years!) that they'll accept it.

I know. I think family is the number 1 thing that makes age gap relationships harder than the average. But, since we've been together about a year and a half, things have gotten better. His dad even told me that "if Ronnie loves you, then I do too." I thought that was a really nice thing to say. But his mom, and practically everyone in his family make things much harder. I'm hoping that by the time I'm 28, (which will be in about 8 freakin' years!) that they'll accept it.

They won't have a choice. They better get used to it. It could also be jealousy as well. I mean, your man is a 40 something (correct?) that scored a hot pretty young thing that truly loves him. That drives some people crazy. Ha ha to them.

Why is that something that bothers so many people? I think for SN, it has to be the age thing, because as I recall, she has been nothing but nice and supportive of her fiance's children. Why does the age thing wig so many people out? Do you really have to be in an age gap relationship to get it?

Why is that something that bothers so many people? I think for SN, it has to be the age thing, because as I recall, she has been nothing but nice and supportive of her fiance's children. Why does the age thing wig so many people out? Do you really have to be in an age gap relationship to get it?

No. You just have to be a decent mature human being. That's it.

It seems to just be the age thing, for your "stepkids," at least that's how I see it. You haven't done anything to piss them off, right?



I have done 2 major things to piss them off...both in the past year

1.) I made it clear to their father that I'm about getting married...versus the "living together" thing....he felt the same way and proposed to me, we announced the engagement in December.

2.) I cut them off from borrowing the car except in emergency situations...
(entire story on "the leeches" is contained here http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=873

Since #1, Oldest Stepdaughter has not spoken to me in any way

Since #2, Youngest Stepdaughter has not spoken to me...Oldest stepdaughter has continued to refuse to speak to me (they are now 31 and 28 years old).

That's what I've done. I don't feel like this should offset every time I've decorated the house for "their" family Christmas. Or every time I've bought groceries for them. Or every time I paid for dinner. Or every time I've called them to ask how they were doing, and if they wanted to go to the track or to a game with me. Or every time I made myself scarce when they needed me to like mothers days or so they could spend time with their dad, etc.

The less they include me, the more they push him away. I don't agree with it, and I don't think that's how he should treat them, but thats how he is treating them, no matter if I suggest he should do otherwise. I obviously can't go behind his back and undermine his decisions.

I want to tell them...if I could...I know this hard on you. I totally understand hardship. Your father understands hardship. He didn't want to get drafted into a war when he was 19 and newly married. He didn't want to kill children 14 or 15 years old. He didn't want to come home and spend a decade totally drunk to block out the visions and nightmares. He didn't want your mother to get sick and watch her die of cancer. I grew up with my grandparents because my mother is deveoplmentally disabled. I didn't want to spend my childhood without a real mother. During summers I was shipped to my aunts house where I became the target of her husbands sexual abuse. I didn't ask for it and I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask to meet a man 30 years older than me who I totally fell in love with. I didn't ask for a life where I've been helping to financially taking care of his kids who are older than me. I didn't ask to have a miscarriage, I didn't ask to have doctors trying to ply me with hormones so we can try to have a baby. I certainly didn't want to be in a situation where I must chose between giving up the only person that really understands me, that I can talk to, that can love me for who I am, and is glad for everything I'm not....and being widowed in the middle of my life.

I just wish I could tell them, we all have hardship. We all have problems. This world is only moment, and the best you can hope for is to leave more than you took. That's it. That's all you get. You may think all this matters...but it doesn't. I wish I can tell them I can deal with you not giving me a family calendar, I can deal with you not wanting me to come for Christmas. Your father can deal with it too. But what we can't deal with are these endless melodramatic one act plays saturated in guilt and self pity. I just want to say, you gotta learn to deal with it kid. You have to realize, that you, and what you feel, and what your problems are...are NOT as important as you THINK they are. The problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Take your love and hapiness when and where you can get it. But don't compromise the thing you most desire and then blame someone else.

Man...its just keeps getting harder and harder to do the right thing nowadays.

Ok...I'm just feeling down today I guess....:(

Well, I for one, think you're amazing to do all that you've done! Seriously.

You're right, life has no guarantees. Take it where you can get it.

I have no idea which is why I'm asking, have you ever had the opportunity for some one on one time with them to discuss some things? If so, what was their reaction?

I'm just flabbergasted at how some people behave. I've totally been having a "I hate people" day and your step daughter's behavior and treatment of you and your SO only fuels that. Seriously, people! One life! Don't waste it being petty!:mad: :mad:

Yeah, like last summer me and youngest SD have had opportunities to be alone and talk, and we had some really good talks. But once she moved in with her sister...she just became..."anti-me." *shrugs* I'm afraid of her sister too, so I understand that may not really be how she feels, but if its how she acts, it has the same effect.

I've reached out to them numerous times in the past few months and have asked (through voicemails and emails) if they feel comfortable with it, I would like to have their input in the wedding plans. We would like more than anything for them to have an active role...etc. etc. None of my messages were ever returned. They did email their dad and tell him to tell me not to expect and answer.

Just wondering... why are you scared of the SD? Has she threatened you?

Man, I just don't know what to say. My SO's kids aren't in his life and haven't been since they were young. To be honest, I'm not really sure my SO and I would be together if he did have a relationship w/ his kids. I'd like to think I would and it makes me sad for my SO that they aren't, but I don't know.:eek: :( :confused:

Is it because you're younger? Is that really it? Is it because they don't want him to be married period? Were they "daddy's girls"? I'm just trying to understand. I know there's two sides to every story, but sometimes... not.

My fiance lived with his older daughter after moving to NYC shortly after his wife died. Of course he paid the rent...took her on trips, bought her things. I think that's where everything went all kooky. The first time he brought me back to the apartment he paid for (which he called his "daughter's apartment") she scolded him like an errant child. "Where have you been? Do you know what time it is? We never discussed bringing people back to the apartment." According to the fiance, she would have a different guy there every week. It was strange to say the least. I think she got used to being his surrogate wife and was very hurt when he very quickly and easily moved out to live with me.

I'm afraid of her, because she's prone to scolding fits. She's said many times that if I come near her, she'll knock me out. But mostly, its the strangeness of her relationship with her father that scares me. She cleans his (and now my) bedroom during family visits to the childhood home. She took my things off her mothers dresser and put them in a bag on the floor. They weren't even in the dresser. One time, during a vacation, he gave her the keys and asked her to water the plants. Instead of water the plants, she proceeded to mop and wax all the floors, re fold all the clothes in our drawer, change different cabinets around (like linens and towels)...and left a scolding note about how filthy we both are. Strange to the maximum. I don't want to be near her when she finally goes off.

I honestly don't think its because I'm younger than them. I think I could be anybody. I think mostly they were their mother's girls. They never respected their father growing up, they used to laugh at him when he tried to discipline him. So I feel like no matter what I do, I will always be in their crosshairs. So...whatever I do, I just don't want to waste anymore emotion or money on a totally lost cause.

Wow. Damn.

I really don't know what to say. That just sounds so messed up. I know many girls have a special attachment to their father (I do!), but that shit you described is just creepy in a sense.

I really wish I had some advice. It's hard to give or use advice when you're dealing with people that have serious, serious issues. It's almost like you'd get more accomplished by talking to a wall.

Ever thought about moving far away from them? Lol! Seriously though. Would distance help?

I was thinking that too. They do sound pretty messed up, and maybe putting some distance between ya would help.

I was in a discussion with another woman on a message board who had lost her mother and who's father recently remarried. The way she spoke about her relationship with her father and stepmom seemed very reminicient of a lot of the problems I have with the adult stepchildren. She felt his new wife had "changed" him, and he was making decisions he wouldn't make if he wasnt under her "influence." She spoke of how angry she was that dad sold the childhood house (she couldn't help pay to keep it, nor did she care about the chunk of change dad got and how it changed his life to unload the house on the market). She spoke about how dad and his wife take nice vacations and don't bring her and her husband and kids (she got very angry at me for suggesting that if her mother was still alive, she probably wouldn't be invited on mom and dad's romantic trip to Tuscany...and why in heck would she want to go on vacation with her dad at 26 years old anyway?)

It made me think yesterday of a piece of mail DF got yesterday. It was a birth announcement of his newest grandchild. It was addressed only to him, and there was a card made out, only to him. I sent his SS and DIL a Congrats on the New Baby card and emails. They never wrote back to me. How much trouble would it have been to put his future's wife name on the birth announcement? It made DF sad, he just threw it away. But the point is....the more times the kids do something like that...the more he believes they don't want to include me on anything related to the "family", not recognizing that in 6 weeks, I will be part of that family.

The more he believes this, the less he includes them in things that involve him and me. The less he includes them, the more they believe its my "influence" that's making him not include them. I'm not saying we'd keep the childhood house just because they wanted us to. We offered to give it to them, told them what the taxes, heat and upkeep was, but they have no interest. They also can't understand why I would want to put my investment into a property that belonged to another woman...and them (as they are so fond of pointing out!) We probably wouldn't invite them on our romantic vacation. Still...it just seems to be a viscious cycle that mostly puts DF in the middle. He's a good man and while he has his faults, this is very very hard on him...which is why I make it a point to ask after the kids, let him talk about them, talk about them with him...etc. etc. They do this all the time. Everyone gets a copy of the "family" calendar, grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, they all have one under the Christmas tree with their name on it, but me. They plan a family "reuinion" upstate, everyone gets an invite with their wife or girlfriend's name on it, but DF. I've been cut off the "family" email list etc. etc. DF feels like trying to make me feel included is like pushing an egg through a hen. He doesn't want to pay for someone else's bad choices so he's slowly pulling away from them. He knows I'll support him and his family through anything.

They immediately believe its me who changed this relationship between them an their dad. But they can't realize even a little, its THEM who's changing this relationship between them and their dad. Every time he's tried to explain it, they shut off, and hate me more...thinking I put the words in his mouth.

I hope it gets better. But talking to this woman on the other board, I realized, a lot of the time it doesn't. She hasn't spoke to her dad in 2 years...and doesn't plan on doing it anytime soon.

Yikes...all I can do is hope.
:eek: HOW did I miss this thread ??? :eek:

I seen my step daughter to be yesterday glaring at me from her sister's car. I played some mind games and decided to smile at her. :D I see how the whole "they think it's our fault" goes. My step daughters to be blame their problems with their mother entirely on me. Nothing a little communication and some understanding would cure I'm sure but I'm the easy way out. I'm to the point where if I'm in close quarters and they are there I will confront them. If they only understood......