Kids--yay or nay?

Zakem and I have decided to hold off TTC for the next six months so that I will not be in my second or third trimester next summer when I might be working overseas.

Frankly, I have been so excited about my career prospects that I no longer get upset when Aunt Flo comes. I can't reconcile this with the past 8 months when I would be heartbroken every month. Does this mean that I only wanted a baby when I thought my career was not going to take off? :confused:

I was at a family gathering this weekend and saw my niece's 3-month-old son. Two of my sisters-in-law work in daycare and they were going on and on about the babies in the care bawling their eyes out when their mothers came to pick them up after work, because they didn't want to leave the daycare. :eek: My sisters-in-law said they felt bad for the mothers, who will sometimes get jealous. I don't want to be one of those mothers! :(

I know that some of you are either undecided about kids or know they don't want them. Can you elaborate on how and why you made that decision?

Well, I'm undecided about kids, and there's lots of reasons why I logically don't want them....but there's still that nagging desire to have one.

Aside from the environmental and overpopulation aspect, I wonder how I would juggle kids with career and travel etc. I've had dogs my whole life and it's a big commitment being there for someone 24/7. I kinda feel like I need a break from that and some freedom to be able to pick up and leave whenever I want and do whatever I want.

Essentially I know my life will be very different depending on whether or not I decide to have a baby - and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that step. I have alot of travelling I want to do. I'd plan on bringing my child with me to alot of places, but some I'd think are too risky to bring a child.

I also don't want to have my child in daycare all the time, at least for the first few years. So, I'd like to wait til I'm in a position where I can work part-time, preferably from home, at least until the child is ready for school.

All in all, I feel like I'm not a point in my life where I'm 100% sure that I want a baby. I'm also not married either, but I think that if I was, and we both wanted a child, I would probably be planning alot more seriously.

Right now, I'm content to focus on what I do have in my life, and if it is meant to happen, things will fall into place.

I can understand your concerns Em, and it IS hard to juggle being a mom, wife, and having a career...not to mention adding in other things like hobbies, a house, travel etc.

Interesting...

Emzak, I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I think you're excited about your career prospects now and that's thrown you for a bit of a loop. Totally normal.


When I was in my early 20s I DID NOT want kids AT ALL. I even asked to get my tubes tied for my 21st. My parents were mortified and said no. My mom claimed I would change my mind and I was all, "Fat chance". I didn't like kids. They drove me crazy and I would want to scream when I saw a kid acting like a brat. I didn't want any part of it. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted. I didn't want a kid to tie me down. Then my nephew was born.

I got laid off from my corporate job after 9/11. I knew I didn't want to sit behind a desk all day again. I wanted a fun job for once (who doesn't?). I took a chance and started working with school aged kids. At first it was hard because I didn't know how to interact with them or what to say. Then it hit me: what did I enjoy when I was kid? What kind of adults did I like being around? After that it was easy. I talked to the kids like they were human. Asked for their thoughts and ideas. They weren't used to an adult asking THEM for input and they thrived on that. It became really fun after that. I enjoyed talking and playing with them. It brought out my kid side. They'd scream with laughter when I acted goofy with them doing cartwheels, jumping out of swings, playing dodgeball, doing arts and crafts. It was fun for me to come up with cool new things for them to do. I think I knew I wanted a child when the parents would pick up their kids and the kids would be so happy to see them that they'd run into mommy or daddy's arms. I knew I needed that. I knew I wanted to have a child and try to raise them to be the best person they could be. A child's love is unconditional. I saw it so many times in my work with them. I can't wait for the day that my child runs into my arms with a picture they made just for me. Life doesn't get any better than that.

I'm waiting to have a child because I'm not financially or emotionally ready. They say you're never fully ready, but I want to have a child when I feel the time is right. And it's not right now. If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow... I would embrace the change. I'd be scared and freak out, but I believe things happen for a reason.

Frankly, I have been so excited about my career prospects that I no longer get upset when Aunt Flo comes. I can't reconcile this with the past 8 months when I would be heartbroken every month. Does this mean that I only wanted a baby when I thought my career was not going to take off? :confused:

No I think it means you dedicate yourself to the task at hand. Do you really want to give 50/50 to baby and career? I think it's much easier to establish your career then add children to the mix or vice versa. It would be so hard trying to do both for the first time at the same time.

It's ok to be happy about your career, it doesn't mean you want children any less. Kids are funny they cry when you drop them off because they don't want you to leave them, then they cry when you pick them up because your interupting their fun. It doesn't mean they luv ya any less, just means you've chosen a good daycare setting for them and they are happy. :)

-------------------------------

As for me, well we decided we wanted one more.. pretty big gap between children (12 years) but whatcha gonna do ;)

Now is not the ideal time to have another child when you consider work and finances. But, I am 100% certain that emotionally right now is an ideal time. ;)

There's nothing much to say for me really. I've always known I didn't want kids. There was no decision, it was just a feeling. I didn't enjoy playing with dolls, I've never gone ga-ga for babies. I'm just not a "kid" person.

I'm a dog person through and through.

~Crysania

I'm still undecided. I'm definitely not in the right place for kids right now...and I'm worried about passing on my dry skin disease...and lots of other stuff like that.

Alec says sometimes that he doesn't want kids...but I think it's mostly cuz he's worried about being too old when they grow up.

We have decided for now that now is not the right time...and that we'll keep it open and talk about it when the time is right.

Nadine.

Kids...yay? or nay?..........I say NAY It's too much work.

Emzak, you do realize you will now GET pregnant, right? Without a doubt. I give you 3 months before aunt flows stops knockin'. Gaurenteed.sp?

~Jenna

Kids...yay? or nay?..........I say NAY It's too much work.

Emzak, you do realize you will now GET pregnant, right? Without a doubt. I give you 3 months before aunt flows stops knockin'. Gaurenteed.sp?

~Jenna


Good point. Now that her mind is on something else... this may be it!:eek: :D

Good point. Now that her mind is on something else... this may be it!:eek: :D

I thought the same thing too!! Yep, I'd be careful now, if you really don't want to get pregnant right now. ;)

There's nothing much to say for me really. I've always known I didn't want kids. There was no decision, it was just a feeling. I didn't enjoy playing with dolls, I've never gone ga-ga for babies. I'm just not a "kid" person.

I'm a dog person through and through.

~Crysania

What she said.

There's nothing much to say for me really. I've always known I didn't want kids. There was no decision, it was just a feeling. I didn't enjoy playing with dolls, I've never gone ga-ga for babies. I'm just not a "kid" person.

I'm a dog person through and through.

~Crysania

You know, I can totally respect that. Years ago when people asked if I wanted kids and I told them no they would claim I was selfish!!!:eek: :mad: That would make me soooooo mad. I think selfish is having a child you don't want. We weren't all born to breed. Women catch more heat for not wanting a child. "Oh, you'll change your mind!" "Don't you want someone to care for you in your old age?" "Don't you want an extension of you?" :mad: :mad:

Emzak, you do realize you will now GET pregnant, right? Without a doubt. I give you 3 months before aunt flows stops knockin'. Gaurenteed.sp?

Haha, I wish it was that easy. Good thing that I have become a pro at charting for the purpose of TTC. Now I can use that same knowledge, but in reverse. :D

No I think it means you dedicate yourself to the task at hand.

Thanks for putting a different (and more positive) spin on this. I had been feeling kinda guilty about it. :eek:

Thanks for putting a different (and more positive) spin on this. I had been feeling kinda guilty about it. :eek:

Guilty?! You can't do everything all at the same time, and as I've painfully learned, some things just HAVE to go on the back burner. Just because it's not your priority at the moment doesn't make it any less important...just means that you needed to devote more energy to something else at the moment. ;)

Waitin' for y'all to figure out that I said NAY yet I have two of them.

I promise Emzak, wether you chart or not. If you do not want them now, I suggest having a dry spell.

My sister and her husband tried and tried and tried everything. Just when she decided to give up for the time being...went back on BC even KABLAM!!
PREGNANT!! Now, she has two babies. After the first baby she went back to work. That lasted 1 year.

I'm tellin' ya!!!

~Jenna

Waitin' for y'all to figure out that I said NAY yet I have two of them.

~Jenna

Lol.. I noticed that and thought it would be rude of me to tell you your full of shit, but then again.. your husband is pretty damn sexy... :D

Were your pregnancy's different as far as symptoms go with a boy and a girl (you do have one of each right?)

Waitin' for y'all to figure out that I said NAY yet I have two of them.


Oh I noticed.
Buyer's remorse?

Jenna has two boys. I have a boy and a girl... and nope, no difference, except in their personalities in utero.

I am a YAY and want another, but not yet.

:D

BTW: I NEVER played with babydolls and didn't dote on other peoples kids and was UTTERLY disinterested in having babies. I then got pregnant with my son and he changed my life ~ way much for the better. And I don't regret the decision to keep him. ;) I was a "cat person" through and through... but nope, my kids rule. :D

~phos

Lol.. I noticed that and thought it would be rude of me to tell you your full of shit, but then again.. your husband is pretty damn sexy... :D

Were your pregnancy's different as far as symptoms go with a boy and a girl (you do have one of each right?)


His sexiness is what got me into trouble. The bastard!!

With my first son I went from 103 lbs to 168 and had him two months premature. No known reason except "premature rupture of the membranes" my water broke. He is very allergic to everything and has life threatning allergies and astma. More so the asthma. I was not sick a day with him. Looked fantastic except the incredible weight gain.

I did everything right. I exercised. I ate well. Vitamins. Lamauze classes. Quit smoking.Everything.

My second son I went from 114lbs to 185lbs had him on his exact due date. His oldest sister's birthday. Same sexy husband has 4 kids. Pays for them all and was pissed I got fixed.

I was sick with the second one from the minute of conception. I swear that. I got adult acne that hasn't gone away except I found fantastic acne products I can afford (sorta). I had heartburn with both kids but now I have acid reflux disease. He is healthy and growing to much. The oldest is small for his age.

I smoked, drank coffee, didn't get fat ass off couch. Drove everywhere. No vitamins, no healthy foods. And he is fine? WTF? Is that?

I got pregnant with both using the rythm method. I knew what days were my best bets and got pregnant both times first time. The second one I didn't actually want to get pregnant in November with because I would have the due date to close to hubby's oldest daughter's birthday. I figured I wouldn't get pregnant first try since I'd been on the pill.:rolleyes:

I can get pregnant using the same bar of soap apparently:rolleyes:

~Jenna

I always wanted children . I was an only child. I wanted 6-8 of them. I never found a guy who wanted that many much less one until I married my 2nd husband. He couldn't have children. so, we decided to find a surrogate father my choice. He was paid well and produced 2 fine children. Then my husband died. The surrogate took advantage of the situation and asked me to marry him, I did and we had two more children.

All I knew was I had so much love to give in my heart that I wanted to give it to as many children as I could have.. I wanted a career first which i did have so i didn't get started until i was 31 having babies. I also knew I wanted to make enough money to be able to stay at home with them and raise them , I did this also. I wanted to home-school them too and show them the world thru books and taking them to the places that they would learm ]n them . I did this also.

It wasn't hard raising them and having a career too it worked out fine. I had a great support group too, my husbands, my parents who were there for me when I had to go away to work which was never a very long time.

I don't regret one moment that I have had having my children it has been THE most satisfying thing in my life.even moreso than any marriage any career that i could have ever had.Now that they are grown they are so close to me and i like that I know they will always be around for me and I for them as long as I can. They are stars in my crown and I wouldn't trade them for anything. No career in the world could have done that for me. Careers can't love back.

As of late I've had a problem deciding this very same thing. Kids are a lifetime responsibility, and as much as I like them, I don't know if I want to undertake that task. I feel like a failure sometimes, though, because I know my mom enjoys her brothers kids. And, on some level, I know she wants grandkids. I like my life, and I want a career, and I want to travel...I want to do so much. But on the flip side, I'd like to have a child of my own. Gosh! I don't know! And it would be so difficult because of Leigh's vasectomy and my medical history. Geez, see, I didn't think it should be this difficult. I thought you just got married, had sex, had kids, went to work, raised them, sent them to college, retired and enjoyed grandkids. Sheesh.

Alanna

My theory is that things just kind of have a way of working themselves out. I really want kids but my man is really undecided at the moment. I'm thinking that something is going to happen to either change his mind or mine, or at least change our situation.

I am also torn between my career and kids. I am so excited to get started with my career but I also feel like if my bf and I are going to have kids together, we need to get on it. I don't want him to be 80 years old when the kids are just going off to college. I just...really don't want to raise kids all by myself. I would love it if we could get going on the whole thing. The way I look at it is, I can always go back to my career. Sure, things may have changed and I might need more schooling, but the option to have kids won't be around forever. I dunno...I'm just so torn. One day it's the career, the next day its a baby.

Same here, skibunny. ;)

What I don't get is the whole mentalitity of "either OR." It's NOT either a career OR kids. It's not either financial stability OR kids. That whole line of thought just really bugs the crap out of me, ladies.

It's not like your life ENDS when you have kids. :rolleyes: There are millions of moms out there having productive and successful careers and who are INSPIRED by their children and even many who have had kids only to find a different career path which brings them greater things (and no, I'm not even talking about the SAHM option here!)

My son came into my life WAY too early, and I thought ~ mistakenly ~ at first my life was derailed. Only, yes... the track I was on hit a junction and went a slightly different way, but it's taken me further and enriched my life in ways I never could have imagined. The baby years are gone SO DAMN FAST its nothing but a blink of your eye, and sometimes you think you must have imagined it. :eek: And the toddler years... a second blink. Then they are truly independent little people who keep you on your toes and inspire the hell out of you in so many ways, and remind you that when you fall on your face, there are a million different ways to react... you can cry, or you can sit there and sulk, or you can bounce back up, smile, giggle, say "I'm okay" and take off running! :o

I just don't don't don't get the mentality that having kids is the end of your life or career. It's SO SO SO SO SO NOT.

~phos

Phos, valid point, but you're talking about what children can give YOU - I think the real question is - 'what can _I_ offer a child'. I think it's good to think things through before getting a child, even if things do tend to 'work themselves out'.

I do agree with Phos... when I found out at 18 that I was pregnant, I was worried that my life was over. Now, almost 15 years later, I can't imagine what my life would be like without my daughter. My life certainly didn't end, although I did have to take some detours along the way. But what she has given me far FAR outweighs anything she may have taken.

And YES, ladies, it is possible to have a career and children. It's not an "either/or" situation. Daycare is NOT the end of the world... my daughter was in daycare until she was school-aged and she's a bright, happy, well-liked and well-behaved young woman. And I've always been a single mom.

But... if you don't want kids, you shouldn't have them. I don't believe it's every woman's duty to procreate. I do know that I don't want any more kids. I feel like it's something that I've experienced, and it has been a good experience, but now I want to experience my own life. I mean, I'm always my daughter's mother, but as she gets older and goes out on her own I'm able to go out more on my own, too.

And YES, ladies, it is possible to have a career and children. It's not an "either/or" situation. Daycare is NOT the end of the world... my daughter was in daycare until she was school-aged and she's a bright, happy, well-liked and well-behaved young woman. And I've always been a single mom.



I agree! My mom always worked and managed to raise my brother and I. She was home for a year and she claims I asked her, "When are you going back to work?" Apparently I didn't like having my mom at home.:o We're a lot alike in the fact that we feel worthless when we're not working and I guess I knew it back then.

Daycare has gotten a bad rap. For some they have no choice but to use daycare. There are many great ones out there! You just have to do your research and find what's best for you and your child.

Of course it would be ideal to stay home with your child, but for many it's not financially feasible and it doesn't make them a bad mother. Not at all. I'm GLAD my mom worked. I saw how hard she worked and established herself in her career. And she still had plenty of time for her kids because she made the time. My best friend's mom (a homemaker) would make snide remarks about my mother working out of the home. I guess she felt that my mom wasn't a good one because she wasn't at home everyday. :rolleyes:

I have learned you can't plan things...we did our IVF in July so they would be born next spring b/c M has all of next year off (no elections)...I kinda wish we would have done it sooner now...just b/c it could take a while?
If I were you guys I would just keep truckin'...you will figure out what to do when you get there:)

I'm currently undecided. There are times I think I want kids, but now that a health problem may have made that not possible, I am torn. I really don't know. I guess for me right now I am leaning towards "no" although I am open to mind-changing and how I feel over time may become different. Currently my health problems are at the forefront; I am worried about being able to physically have a baby and the odds of me passing something on.

If it happens, however, it happens.

I was just recently talking with my therapist about this. I know I'm young and everyone tells me I will change my mind -- and that's not impossible -- but I have never liked babies or children much. I'd rather have a couple of cats. I can't see myself dedicating my life to a child; maybe that's selfish, but I think it's better to not have children than to have them and then be a selfish parent. I know people whose mothers would leave them all alone every evening to go out with friends or dates, and then expect breakfast to be brought to them in bed. Hopefully I would not be like that, but my whole psyche rebels against the thought of devoting myself entirely to some little person that I don't even know. (And who might turn out to be a little monster, for all I know.) I have no trouble making sacrifices for people (and animals) whom I love, and I can be very nurturing, but I don't feel any need to create some little person to make my life more satisfying.

Also I had a bad childhood and it's possible this may have something to do with why I don't like children much. *shrug* Pathological? Maybe so, but that's just another reason not to drag some poor kid into my pathology!

I know I'm young and everyone tells me I will change my mind -- and that's not impossible -- but I have never liked babies or children much. I'd rather have a couple of cats. I can't see myself dedicating my life to a child; maybe that's selfish, but I think it's better to not have children than to have them and then be a selfish parent.

You are definitely not alone in thinking this. I know many other members share your sentiment. And you're right--the selfish thing is not choosing to be child-free, but rather, choosing to have a child only because you think you should.

Funny you say that, Emzak, cuz I was just thinking... some of the worst parents I've known were people who WANTED to have kids and then when the whole experience didn't meet their expectations, they turned into horrific parents like millie described.

Some of the BEST parents I've known were worried SICK about whether or not they would make good parents, undecided on having them, focused on their own lives for years before having kids and scared shitless. *shrug*

~phos

Some of the BEST parents I've known were worried SICK about whether or not they would make good parents, undecided on having them, focused on their own lives for years before having kids and scared shitless. *shrug*

~phos

You just described me!

You just described me!

LOL, yeah, this is probably me too...but I'm still in the focus on my career and undecided stage! I can see the possibility of us having kids in the future though. :eek:

You never know, it could be me, but up until now and in the forseeable future, I am NOT undecided. I feel like something is wrong with me, but I can't stand kids. I don't like being around them, I don't like to look at them and I certainly don't like to hear them - it all makes me angry and sends my pulse racing! I must have some weird phobia. Nobody can relate to me, I don't want it to be like that, but it is.

I don't want to touch my friends' babies and little clothes make me squirm. The younger they are, the worse they are. I AM fond of my two young half siblings, though, but I prefer it when their mother is present.

I find it so difficult to converse with children. The other day, my friend (who's in a 20 yr AGR, btw), put me on the phone with her 8 yr old step daughter without any warning. It freaked me out big time.

I wish people would stop telling me that I'll change. It's the most annoying thing.

You never know, it could be me, but up until now and in the forseeable future, I am NOT undecided. I feel like something is wrong with me, but I can't stand kids. I don't like being around them, I don't like to look at them and I certainly don't like to hear them - it all makes me angry and sends my pulse racing! I must have some weird phobia. Nobody can relate to me, I don't want it to be like that, but it is.

I don't want to touch my friends' babies and little clothes make me squirm. The younger they are, the worse they are. I AM fond of my two young half siblings, though, but I prefer it when their mother is present.

I find it so difficult to converse with children. The other day, my friend (who's in a 20 yr AGR, btw), put me on the phone with her 8 yr old step daughter without any warning. It freaked me out big time.

I wish people would stop telling me that I'll change. It's the most annoying thing.

Some people just don't have that maternal instinct. Doesn't make you a bad person.

By the way, I hate it when my best friend puts her son on the phone without warning too. He just wants to play on the phone and be silly. He throws a fit unless he can talk on the phone.:rolleyes:

Some people just don't have that maternal instinct. Doesn't make you a bad person.

Thanks. It's a cultural thing. You're expected to want children, and if you don't, then you will, because it's wrong not to want them. I feel really bad about it myself... :(

Don't feel bad, Marianna. Oddly, I CAN totally 100% relate. Seriously. When I was a teener and into my early 20s, I honestly felt exactly the same way and the whole thought of kids just made my hair curl and my skin crawl. They were stinky, scary, frustrating, annoying "burdens." I avoided them at all costs.

And when I accidentally got pregnant, I did struggle with the decision to keep him (my son) for a short while and I was MORTIFIED throughout the entire pregnancy, thinking I'd make a horrible mother and hate the whole process.

Sometimes, when I look back on how I felt then and who I was then, I'm like... damn! There are things in life which can completely derail you, and change everything about who and what you are.

While I am in NO WAY saying this in any attempt to convince you that you should be a mother (oh god, I'm not, please don't take it that way), but that if it ever DOES happen, it won't be anywhere near as horrific as you might anticipate... and I do, very much, understand where you are in your life and how you feel about having kids. Been there!!! :eek:

~phos