so, I think we are coming to an end

I know some of you have heard this from me before - prolly recently.

G and I have been on shaky ground for a while now. We were living together but I moved out in Oct. I just couldn't get used to living with him so we decided to try to work on our relationship while living separately.

Well, as I'm sure some of you are thinking, it's not working so well. I like living alone. I am very busy and often emotionally exhusted (prolly still dealing with the aftermath of the event among other things) and I like coming home to peace and quiet, to an apartment that is kept the way I like it, where I can do what I want and I don't have to be courteous and "take care of" someone else. It may be selfish, but it's honest. When we were living together, I put a lot of my energy into him and his kids. I found myself taking on this role of the "traditional" (for lack of a better word) wife and mother , while still trying to maintain my own life (school and work). And I became exhusted and unhappy. That is just not the kind of life I want. All the while, our relationship was becoming mundane. But G somehow became very comfortable with our roles and the dynamics of our relationship.

I tried on MANY occassions to discuss it with him and try to find a solution. How we could spend more time together as a couple. I expressed my feelings and concerns about the state of our relationship over and over. Each time, G would make an effort for a coupld of weeks and then we would fall back into the same habits. G was too exhusted from his work to work at our relationship. He has even admitted that he feels that love should be enough. He doesn't feel that he should have to work at the relationship.

This past summer, my family had a very intense crisis which was extremely emotional for me and also consumed a lot of my time. During this time, I began to detach a bit from G and the boys because I just didn't have the time or the energy for them. Because of this I began to realize that the dynamics of our relationship was a more serious problems than I thought.

Anyway, during this crisis, G began to get very frustrated that "I wasn't around very much," "we weren't seeing eachother enough," "we weren't spending time together as a couple," etc. And I just couldn't even deal with it. Suddenly he was complaining about all of the things I had been begging him to work on with me in our relationshp. So finally I said I was going to move out. And now, he continues with these complaints. And I feel, and have even said to him, that it is pretty convenient that when the tables are turned he has a problem with it. But when, for too long, I was needing to work on our relationship, he didn't want to understand.

And you know what he actually said to me? "Well two wrongs don't make a right, do they?" LMAO!

But now, the tables have turned, and I don't have the energy to make an effort at fixing this relationship. I love him very much. He is actually (despite all my complaints) a wonderful person. And I love those kids fiercely. But I don't love our relationship, I don't even like our relationship. But I can't imagine not having these people in my life.

Last night, G began to bring up the possibility of ending it and I became paralyzed. I wanted to say "yes, we should just end it right now before we start to resent eachother," but all of the words got stuck in my throat. I was scared, scared that he would leave and I would never see them again.
I literally sat there mute. So he stayed. And I wonder if I am waiting for him to start resenting me, because in a way it might be easier. But this morning he left without saying much of anything. We both know that it should end, but we just can't let go. Is it hope? A memory? Are we holding on to the fact that we did have such tenderness and passion in a relationship - waiting for it to magically reappear?

If you got through this whole post, you are amazing. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and understand my emotions. :)

Well...I made it through the whole post...*smile* Thanks for putting paragraphs in...that always makes it easier.

I wish I had the words to tell you that you need to hear. I'm not sure though what to tell you...i've never been in that situation.

I would imagine that it sucks though...so I'm just gonna send you tons of *hugs*

Nadine.

Oh wow...I'm sorry Moon. (((HUGS))) to you girl. Talking about ending it all is a really hard thing.

I think that if he's got kids, the wife/mother thing is kind of inevitable in your relationship. If you're going to be partners, you'll have to take that role on in some way. Unfortunately, between wife/mother, work/school, there isn't much time for anything else is there? You just have to pick your times for the two of you, and hold onto them as long as you can.

As far as the "two wrongs don't make a right" thing. Wow, that sounds like something my doofus fiance would say. It really does. But in some sense, he at least understands that becoming totally focused on everything else but you, was not right for him to do. He must understand that there are times where something will take precedent over a relationship, and when those things are settled, assuming the relationship is strong enough, it will be there when you get back. But that's NOT the same thing at all as allowing the wife/mother aspect overtake the relationship. Your role as that should make the two of you feel closer, more like partners, not alienated from your partner. He should realizes that if you do feel that way, then something's wrong, and he if loves you, he's gotta put the time and effort into fixing it.

If you still love him, I don't know how long you've been together, maybe you shouldn't give up. It sounds like you both at least can identify the problem. As dense as boyfriends can seem sometime, it sounds like its still possible to work it out.

thanks ladies. hugs are much need and appreciated.

Yeah, I thought that comment was a goffy thing to say. "doofus" was my thought exactly. BTW, we have been together for about 6 years.

As far as the mother/wife thing goes, it was alienting. And I just don't have the energy for it, nor do i have the desire to be a mother/wife, especially to kids who already have a mother and a man who wants a "superwife".

Honestly, at this point I don't have the desire to work at the relationship . . . I feel like it is pointless. Because of the patterns in the past, I am pretty sure that if I do give it one more effort, it will get better only until G gets comfortable again and then he will stop making an effort and this whole cycle will start over. So what is the point? I have put so much effort into making this relationship work throughout the whole relationship, but I feel like once the "honeymoon" stage was over and he was secure in the relationship, he stopped making an effort. And I am scared to fall back into that pattern because it is draining. I hate to sound like I am putting all of the blame on him - I know I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with, but I do feel like I, at the least, consistently made an effort to show him how much I value and cherish our relationship and how much I love him and his kids. And I didn't feel like I was getting the same effort from him.

Is this how relationships end? Do some relationships just get to this point?
Is this when people fall out of love? Like I said, I love him, but I do not like our relationship. So am I confusing my love for him as a person with loving him as a partner?

sounds like my second marriage... it just faded and there was nothing left of me...i was numb. it was comfortable, but lacked anything vital. it is so easy to become complacent as he did. i take his comment that he sees his error, but from you i hear its too late. but i get a sense you both still really do love each other.
would counseling help you think?

*H*

yeah hon sometimes they just peter out... that's how they end... sometimes...


you stay friends... just can't be lovers.... and it's good...friends are much harder to come by....

Wow moon, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. (((((HUGS)))))

Honestly, at this point I don't have the desire to work at the relationship

I think this says it all. It sounds like you've given so much of yourself over the past 6 yrs that you literally have nothing else left to give. And yes, this is how people "fall out of love". Love needs nurturing and that's hard work, which you can't do if you're already feeling so drained.

As far as the mother/wife thing goes, it was alienting. And I just don't have the energy for it, nor do i have the desire to be a mother/wife, especially to kids who already have a mother and a man who wants a "superwife"...Like I said, I love him, but I do not like our relationship. So am I confusing my love for him as a person with loving him as a partner?

This is also very telling. Unfortunately, when you're dating someone, you're committing not just to that person but also to the LIFESTYLE that he represents. So if your bf has kids, you are pretty much stuck with playing step-mom. It does sound like you two are heading off in two different directions. :(

I feel your confusion. (((hugs)))

And yes, this is how people "fall out of love".

Indeed it is. My last ex-husband probably realizes this now. :rolleyes: One person can only do so much and carry so much of the burden before resentment builds in and then... well, its as good as dead.

When I first joined ageless, a member (BearsAngel, I believe) made an analogy to relationships being like a fire. First you need a spark, and when the fire catchs, it burns STRONG and fierce. Sometimes that just fizzles out into nothing, but other times it catches into the long slow burn. But to keep it going, it takes work. Adding more logs, sometimes blowing on it, but eventually it dies down into a warm, comfortable even fire. Without maintenance from both parties, the fire goes out and once its out... it's ASH and there's not much you can do about it except sweep it out of the fireplace. *shrug*

(((((HUGS)))))) to you, Moon.

~phos

Indeed it is. My last ex-husband probably realizes this now. :rolleyes: One person can only do so much and carry so much of the burden before resentment builds in and then... well, its as good as dead.

When I first joined ageless, a member (BearsAngel, I believe) made an analogy to relationships being like a fire. First you need a spark, and when the fire catchs, it burns STRONG and fierce. Sometimes that just fizzles out into nothing, but other times it catches into the long slow burn. But to keep it going, it takes work. Adding more logs, sometimes blowing on it, but eventually it dies down into a warm, comfortable even fire. Without maintenance from both parties, the fire goes out and once its out... it's ASH and there's not much you can do about it except sweep it out of the fireplace. *shrug*

(((((HUGS)))))) to you, Moon.


~phos
yep yep yep

i never was one for flash and burn after i grew up....

i like slow mundane easy going....

but sometimes it just dies...

((((hugs)))) to all of you.

This is going to turn into a vent.
We talked more last night and the conversation was calm and went well. But then this morning all of a sudden I am irritated as hell. I can't say I'm angry yet, but I might get there.

So last night he said that we both deserve better. I was fine with that. Neither of us are being fair to eachother by holding on to this relationship that has turned into Ash (that was a great analogy). And, like Nessa's thread, I am being totally indesicive. ;)

But this morning I am so annoyed. I do not want to point fingers at him because he is a good person and I know it takes two to tango, but the reality of it is that I do think he is more at fault. He was not in the habit of showing me that he appreciated how much I did for him and the boys. And sometimes we would even argue because he believed that he did more than he actually did. He has acknowledged that his oldest son has developed a lot because of me, but that's about it. So this morning I feel like his comment confirmed my feelings that I was not appreciated. And now I am starting to get pissed.

My life revolved around him and his kids (stupid, I know). First I worked for him, I managed his business because I wanted to help this person that I love, my "partner". He couldn't afford a manager at the time, so I did it. Then, before we lived together, whenever he had the boys I would pack up a bag and be there to help him, whether it was for a weekend or for the whole summer. I was a student and had more free time than him, so I could be with the boys. I became more of a parent to them than either of their parents are. I potty trained his 13 year old!!! I taught him sign language, I taught him how to eat, drink, to shower by himself, how to dress himself, I engaged him in conversation, and I taught G how to interact productively with his own son!!! And I was a friend and practically a teacher to his younger son. And I swear to you, I am not giving myself more credit than I deserve. All the while, I kept the house up, I cooked the meals . . .

So when he says that "we" deserve better, now I feel like, no, "I" deserve better, I deserved to be appreciated and acknowledged for all that I did and if that was to spend more time with my boyfriend and for my boyfriend to have made in effort in our relationship, he should have made that effort. And I thought, (not to toot my own horn) good luck finding someone better. Good luck finding someone who is going to love him and his kids more than I did. Because, in honesty, I don't know too many people who will have the patience that I did. And if there is someone out there, he better show his appreciation of them more than he did me.

Okay, my little vent is over. I just feel like I gave so much, too much, of myself, and I don't think he is ever going to realize it. And that makes me sad. I guess I just have to find a way to accept it and move on.

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I don't blame you for being angry. You poured your heart and soul into that relationship and invested so much of yourself, and now to have him barely even acknowledge it! That would piss anyone off. :mad:

You have so much love and talent to offer the world. You deserve someone who appreciates and cherishes all your hard work!

thanks emzak. That was a much needed compliment! (((hug)))

I definitely can't imagine being with anyone else anytime soon. It's funny actually, I have never once thought thru all of this "I can find better than this." But I have thought "hmmm, this is almost like not being in a relationship . . . so why even be in a relationship?" :rolleyes:

Anyhoo, I feel much better now. I think I really needed to get all of that off my chest. You all are awesome - thanks for your support so far.

although your relationship did not work out... what a remarkable thing you did with his son! be proud of yourself!
i definately get the impression you were that 13 y/o's angel.
i hope with time you heal from this and realize how important it was for you to be there at that moment in time.

some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. you certainly made a profound mark on someone's life. i'm sorry it caused you pain though *H*

Wow moon. As much as I'm glad to have not been the only one who needed to vent a little today...I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Dont' feel bad about venting...it's something we all need to do...and it makes you feel better. (it does me anyways)

*HUGE HUGS* I agree with emzak...it sounds like you are an amazing person with an incredably huge heart and you definately deserve someone who will appreachiate you.

Good for you for not settling in a relationship because it's familiar!

Nadine.

although your relationship did not work out... what a remarkable thing you did with his son! be proud of yourself! i definately get the impression you were that 13 y/o's angel.

That's what I was thinking too.

Moon, you definitely changed that little boy's life--for the better!

I love that little boy soooooooooo much - it is actually painful, if that makes sense. Sometimes I wonder who is really the angel in the relationship. He is my little angel because as much as I have impacted his life, he has also profoundly impacted mine - he has taught me so much about patience, love, gratitude, and just what it means to be human.