Grown Children

For those of you who have grown children or just even hypotherical...when is it time to let go a lil?

For example if you have grown child over 21+, they live at home, but they do work and are responsible. Do u think it is okay to try and dictate what they wear? when they come home? who they date? Or is it better to realize they are grown and let them make their own choices.

I am a grown child living at home if that counts. No I don't think it's okay for my dad to dictate what I wear, who I date and when I come in. I make my own decisions and he knows it. In fact my dad told me to leave my G/F once and told me some hurtful mean things that weren't true about her. I haven't talked to dad the same since and I'm going to move out soon. I don't want to stick around here anymore now that I know how he feels. I'll still stop in to check on him and visit but I don't want to livew here. :(

I am in a similar boat and that is why I ask. My dad said something that really pissed me off over the weekend. And today I was in a wonderful mood and my mom ruined it trying to dictate something that is not her decision. I lived away at college for 4 yrs and it's so hard to have them butting in. I know what I need to do to be happy, it's my life.

Some people would say "then just move out" and those people apparently have never been to NJ. It's really hard to afford anything anymore. And even harder when you just graduated an pay enough in student loans that it could be rent. I am thankful for a place to live and my parents love, but they should know if they raised me right they should let me make my own choices at 22.

Well, you know the old saying: "If you live under my roof, blah blah blah..." I don't personally agree with it, but I do see their point. I also know what you mean about sky-high NJ rents--what do you think about getting a roommate to split costs?

As for when parents should "let go", my 79-year-old father-in-law said something very interesting last week. He said: "I have five sons. Three of them are grandfathers. Yet to me, they're still kids."

So I guess the nightmare never really ends! :p

okay,
I am 29 years old and I still live with my grandmother, while I'm finishing school.
I have paid for my entire education.
I pay my own bills (food, phone, car, insurance, ect)
AND
I pay RENT!!!

Ergo I SHOULD be free to come and go as I please, dress as I please and GO TO BED whenever the hell I want!!!
We have come to blows over this issue (Literally throwing things at each other!) because she is still convinced that I'm 16. (granted the woman is batty and seriously does think that I'm 16!!)

Yeah, I have to say that, within reason, your parents should be giving you your freedom and space. I think that you need to obviously follow their house rules, but they shouldn't be in your face about personal stuff.

I can see there being certain rules that you should all agree are fair, but I think it's rediculous for parents to interfere with what you wear and who you date...of course that is unless you are dating a drug addict etc, and really DO need help with your clothing. I know that neither of these apply to you though!!

On the flip side however, it is nice that they care enough to get involved and actually voice their opinions to you. My family just gossips behind each others' backs.

My daughter is turning 20 today (she works and goes to school full-time).....she pays rent and I expect her to wash the dishes she uses and pick up after herself in the common areas of the house. If she would clean up her room I'd be ecstatic. Other than that she has the freedom to go wherever she wants with whomever she wants. I trust her judgement. She's had alot of freedom since she was about 17, although back then she did have a curfew.

She's an adult now. I have very little parental control, and I don't want any. Occasionally, I'll give my opinion about something or I'll tell her she needs to take care of something regarding school or other things. But I know she's going to do whatever she wants to anyway. As long as she stays in school and works on her future that's the most important thing to me.

And I'd love it if she cleaned her room..... :D

My daughter is turning 20 today
That's like the 3rd birthday today. Do MtAGers only do it once a year?
Happy Birthday Trish Jr.!

That's like the 3rd birthday today. Do MtAGers only do it once a year?
Happy Birthday Trish Jr.!

Trish Jr's brother is also celebrating his birthday today.

No, I didn't just do it on Christmas Day every year..... :D :p ;)

God, my daughter would have a fit if she knew someone called her Trish Jr. LOL!!!!!!

No, I didn't just do it on Christmas Day every year..... :D :p ;)

Suuuuuuuuuuuuurrrreeee ;)

Suuuuuuuuuuuuurrrreeee ;)

LOL! Those are probably the only two times I did get laid at Christmas..... :p ;) :D

Trish,
How did you manage to have two kids on the same day???
That takes some planning!!!!

Trish,
How did you manage to have two kids on the same day???
That takes some planning!!!!

I honestly don't know.....and there was no planning involved. Actually my daughter was due in mid Sept. but I went 3 weeks overdue....the doctor scheduled me to be induced and then I went into labor on the 9th. My daughter was born on the 10th, the day my son was turning 14.

Son's father is a Jew.....daughter's father was an Arab.....go figure....lol!

LOL, Trish.

Well, I lived with my folks a couple times after college when I didn't have much alternative. There are compromises to be made. They NEVER stop worrying about you and you will always be their baby, no matter how old you get. When you live under their roof, they worry.

My Dad tried to pull the "be home at a reasonable hour" thing when I was... oh... 22? I laughed and he got a little pissed. I said, "Dad, I'll compromise. I'll call you before midnight and tell you where I am and that I'm okay, okay?" He said, "Deal."

I then made a habit of just letting my folks know exactly where I was going, when I'd be back (ballpark), and how to get in touch with me if they needed me or were really worried. If I was going to be a LOT later then I thought, I'd call and let them know.

It just became a thing of common courtesy between us the various times I had to move home, and showed that I cared about them and how well they could sleep at night.

And if you're dressing in a manner your father has a need to comment about, maybe its worth considering that it might be a bit too risque? Sure, you may like it, but he just might have a valid point... Dad's of ANY age are protective of their daughters. Mine still is... instead of getting defensive about his comments about my attire, I give his concerns a little thought. He's a man first, and foremost, and probably doesn't want other men looking at you in a way that is unsavory. Think about it. It's not really got anything to do with age.

There are times my mother still comments about some things I wear, and says I should have a little more respect and cover up some more. I just smile and say, "Mom, I know you mean well and love me and worry, but it's not like I'm wearing this out to a night club or anything." LOL

~phos

In my experience, the more responsible my brother and I were, the more our parents would trust us to make the right decsions and thus never nag about being home at a certain time, wear different clothes, boyfriends/girlfriends etc.

That said, I moved out at 19, my brother moved out at 20, so it doesn't apply directly to your 21+ question. The key thing is that (before and after we moved out), we made sure there were no reasons for the parents to worry.

well if you are 21 and paying rent and covering all your own expenses including food (in which case go live with roommates instead of at home) then you should be treated like the tenant that you are. Of course that means if you trapise in at 3 am and make a mess in my kitchen and make noise and wake me I will fine you and give you 60 days notice.

IF you are living in my house and I am paying any or all of your bills and you are in ANY WAY dependent on me I have a say in what time you come in my door. and what time my phone rings etc. I don't think i have a say in what clothes you are wearing unless I'm paying for them. as for your friends... if i don't like them I won't want them in my house. as long as you are financially independent then your parents should let you alone. of course if you were THAT financially independent you would not be living at home now would you?

Sounds like old school closed minded thinking. :rolleyes: My pops thinks the same way. I wish my mom was here, at least she understood me. :(

IF you are living in my house and I am paying any or all of your bills and you are in ANY WAY dependent on me I have a say in what time you come in my door. and what time my phone rings etc. I don't think i have a say in what clothes you are wearing unless I'm paying for them. as for your friends... if i don't like them I won't want them in my house. as long as you are financially independent then your parents should let you alone. of course if you were THAT financially independent you would not be living at home now would you?



I have to agree with this.

I hate when I see grown kids complain about some simple rules when they still live at home.If you don't like the rules ,move out...that simple....don't tell me how you can't....I moved out at 17 and NEVER once moved back....I wanted to follow MY own rules ,it was that simple....

I think a lot of parents today let the kids stay at home far too long...it's not going to help them grow.and yes,i have family that I have seen do this with their kids and some family members that haven't and when I look at both sides,the kids that went out and made their own life seem to be in a much better place in their life at this point......what was the name of that movie that was out this year???"Failure to Launch"!!!!!

sometimes it may be a cultural thing,that is not the same as this senerio.

Well i am 24 today, i live with my mother, i do whatever i want to do about clothes, times in and out, but as i see it, while it is my house, there are things i am not going to do that i know bother her even if i am allowed to.

I think we have very fair deals about everything, we dont do house work 50-50% but i help, i cook, i clean, we go shopping together, i dont iron tho :p

She doesnt tell me to be home at a certain time at night, dinner or whatever, just to call if i am late or not coming at all.And that is what she does with me too.

I am free to do whatever i want, however, there must be a compromise between both parties not to do those avoidable things that bother the other, as in any kind of relationshìp.Both parents and children must respect and give space to the other, but you have to think that after all, even if it is your home, it is their house, and they have the privilige to set rules (fair) of convivence.

Paying part of the rent, as i see it, doesnt grant the right to do whatever you want to do, cause once again, it is you who decide to live in their house and not with someone else.

My mother and i have a very special relationship, there are not real issues, and she definitely doesnt have to worry about what time i come home at night lol :D

The reason I can't afford to move out at the drop of a hat at 22 is b/c I paid for my own education and it was very expensive. I in no way regret it. I believe that this education is the reason I will be moved out and stable on my own in the next few years and I don't regret the decision one bit. I am and have always been on the path to what I want in life, I just hit kind of a crossroads that isn't making me too happy.

My parents don't even want me to move out...they are both ethnic Italian and believe there is no better place for an unmarried girl then at home. It may cause a whole nother issue if i can afford to move out in a year, but i'll deal with that when it comes.

I just wanna come to a comprise with my family where I respect our home and their rules, but the don't treat me like a baby and realize they raised me to make smart choices.

When I came home from work last night there was a sink full of dishes and my daughter was on the couch watching a movie.....I said "Do those dishes before you go to bed." Now this was at almost 11:30PM. She fell asleep on the couch. Later on I was on the computer and she got up and went to bed. Well, it's now 2:10PM the following day and the dishes are still sitting there. She got up, took a shower, and went out for the day (she's off from work on Tues. and has class at 4:00PM). Guess who will wash the dishes? :mad:

I can't wait for her to move out....kids who want all the freedom of being an adult and none of the responsibility annoy me. This means at times my child annoys the freaking hell out of me.

It's a good thing she's never given me any serious problems. And I'm not going to bitch about the dishes today because it's her birthday.....and she took the garbage out on her way out. Well, that's because I put the bag in front of the door.

When she gets her own apartment I'll probably need a backhoe to get in when, and if, I visit.....

Ok, I'm done venting.....

SA,

I think you have it double tough. My bf is from a 100% italian family on both sides. It doesn't end when you move out, they just call or visit and share their opinions that way. Don't get me wrong, because I love them all to death, but I think it has alot to do with his "old school" behaviour as well, which is one of the things I love the most about him.

Your parents are just trying to do what they feel is in your best interest, just because you turn 22 doesn't mean they don't want to keep parenting you and protecting you.

It's a pain in the ass, yes, but they have helped you to become the remarkable, responsible, wonderful person you are with their behaviors. Ya know? I don't think it's a matter of not trusting you as much as it is a matter of not trusting who you are going to be with.

My dad to this day if I had a low cut shirt on would say, I think your missing part of your shirt (and I'm 38).

As for the wedding, reassure them that it is in your best interest not to make a 2 hour ride after a wedding when you will have been drinking. Did they have a problem with you spending nights at your bf's?

She'll have good luck finding a man with that attitude :rolleyes:

She'll have good luck finding a man with that attitude :rolleyes:

Well, I think men should do dishes too....and if there was one around here he'd be washing his too.....my name is not "Trish the Maid"..... :D

when girl child has a task to do before bed and does not do it, the next morning when I get up at 5 am (even on the weekends) I WAKE HER TO DO IT.

Well, I think men should do dishes too....and if there was one around here he'd be washing his too.....my name is not "Trish the Maid"..... :D
I see you will never marry my dad. :p

when girl child has a task to do before bed and does not do it, the next morning when I get up at 5 am (even on the weekends) I WAKE HER TO DO IT.

My girl child is usually up and out of the house before I ever get up.....

I'll admit that I screwed up not making her do more chores when she was younger. I used to make her pick up her toys and put them away and as she got older I'd tell her to pick up after herself in her room. Sometimes she would and when she didn't I went in and did it. I created a monster and now I'm living with it. Her room is HORRIBLE!!!!! And that's not an exaggeration. It takes major bitching (the kind where a blood vessel is about to break in your head) to get her to clean it up. Then in a day or two it's back to being a disaster. It qualifies for FEMA funds!

So it's all my fault and I know it. I've set a good example which she has not followed when it comes to housekeeping. As I said before, I'm very happy that she's never given me any problems in any other way. I guess it's a matter of picking my battles.

So I sit here and bitch, and when I have to go into her room I start to develop an aneurysm. But one of these days when I have some time off from work I'm going to follow through on my threat to go in there with big trash bags. lol!

I see you will never marry my dad. :p

Awww! That means I'll never be able to call you "son"..... :D :p
And you won't marry my slob (although exceptionally hot! :p ) daughter....so "son-in-law" is out too..... :( :D :p ;)

my parents SET good examples. I live in a pig stye... you have to make them do it i'm sure of it.

well if you are 21 and paying rent and covering all your own expenses including food (in which case go live with roommates instead of at home) then you should be treated like the tenant that you are. Of course that means if you trapise in at 3 am and make a mess in my kitchen and make noise and wake me I will fine you and give you 60 days notice.

IF you are living in my house and I am paying any or all of your bills and you are in ANY WAY dependent on me I have a say in what time you come in my door. and what time my phone rings etc. I don't think i have a say in what clothes you are wearing unless I'm paying for them. as for your friends... if i don't like them I won't want them in my house. as long as you are financially independent then your parents should let you alone. of course if you were THAT financially independent you would not be living at home now would you?


I have to agree and I was one that did live with my parents b/c I felt I had no other choice.

My dad basically kicked me out stating that his home wasn't a hotel for me to come and go as I please. He'd try to get me to pay some bills or some sort of rent and I'd scoff at him thinking it was my home too and I shouldn't be forced to pay anything. It never occurred to me at that time that my dad was paying for a mortgage, land, car payment, and all of the other bills you have when you own your own home. It was HIS home and he just happened to let me live there. My room was always a sty, I'd get phone calls at all hours, I'd have my friends over late (sometimes until the next morning), I never bought groceries or contributed. In short, I was a mooch. I had a job, but I'd blow $$ going out with friends. My dad had it. He told me to find my own place in 30 days. At the time I was pissed off at him and cried to my mom about it. She sided with Dad which enraged me even more. I freaked out thinking I would never be able to afford a place on my own. I will admit I didn't want to move out on my own b/c I knew I wouldn't have the comforts, you know? I was too broke to afford nice furniture, a killer TV, etc.

After days of pounding the pavement I found an affordable apartment. It was the crappiest place ever. I could barely afford food. Sometimes I couldn't. I never had extra $$ for shopping or anything fun. BUT it made me feel independent and I knew I had to rise to the occasion. I grew up quickly in that aspect. As the years went on I was able to afford things and make my home a really nice one. I learned how to budget, buy groceries on sale, wait for the turn of season when previous season's clothes are really cheap, etc. I also turned into my parents and would give shit to anyone that left a light on. It took years, but I finally understood where my parents were coming from. Now I have a mortgage, car payment, bills, and I would resent it like hell if someone lived under my roof, but didn't want to follow my rules. It's MY home... I'm just letting you live here.

I will let my kid live at home if they need to, BUT they better pay some bills and respect the household rules. If they don't like it they can find a crappy apartment just like I did.

This subject is touchy for me b/c I have two cousins in their 30s that live at home. They both are employed and there's no reason why they shouldn't be out on their own. My cousin says, "It's soooo expensive!" You're damn right it is! Welcome to 2006. I've told this cousin to get roommates or something. When I drive around here I see signs in apt. complexes offering some pretty sweet deals. BUT he'll never move b/c his mommy still does his laundry and cooks his dinner everynight.:rolleyes: She's not doing him any favors.

It is expensive to be on your own, but it's not impossible. Many of us on this board will tell you about how hard it was and what crappy places we lived in, but I think it made us more appreciative.

SA, I can understand your frustration and I know it sucks, but IMO I guess that's the way it's gonna be until you're living on your own. If anything, this may make you more determined to make something happen for yourself in the living on your own aspect. Who wants to live by someone else's rules?

My daughter will never stay living at home because I cook.....if that was the case she would have moved out at 12..... :D

Well I had a talk with my dad and settled a lot. They were making untrue assumptions about the situation. In the end they said, I can do what I want with no consequences, they just think it is their job to voice their opinion. If I disagree with the opinion and do what I want they agree that I am too old to be "punished", but they just think that by at least putting their idea in my head they are doing their job,

Well I had a talk with my dad and settled a lot. They were making untrue assumptions about the situation. In the end they said, I can do what I want with no consequences, they just think it is their job to voice their opinion. If I disagree with the opinion and do what I want they agree that I am too old to be "punished", but they just think that by at least putting their idea in my head they are doing their job,

Well, yeah, parents NEVER stop being parents. Ever.

My mom still gets all worried if I'm not feeling well. My dad still gives me lectures.

At least you were able to sit down with your dad and talk things out. Always helps.

i'm 46 and my dad is 72 and he still whines to me.... YOU NEVER STOP being a parent.

and i'm glad you talked to them too.

Yeah you ladies are right and I am sure I will fight with them again lol.

It all comes down to they do have good intentions, he even said "We want a better life for you then we had for ourselves". I think every parent wants that, so sometimes they think they need to steer their child in a certain direction to get that life.

I am just glad to have parents that will talk, i do realize there are people out there that actually throw their kids out / disown them instead of having normal confrontations.

SA,it is good that you know they are actually trying their best, and just want you to have the chance they did not have. Sometimes that can make them think that you are not taking the chances given just cause you have a life :p

I hope everything goes good for you and they are more understanding,as you said, you are lucky to have parents you can talk to and that just want the best for you :)

Hon, my mother asked me this weekend...
"Oh are you really going to wear that? It's really not very flattering!" I'm 50. jaysus!

On the other hand, as a mother of a 31 year old (and living with a 35 year old), I often have to bite my lip on giving comments in a similiar vein. LOL! The hypocrisy would be inexcusable.

They just want the best for you. They don't think you are incapable, they just have a hell of a lot more life experience.

OK, maybe they don't know hip from a hole in the ground, BUT, they are in "the know" about more then you could ever conceive about them. Believe me.

Besides, it's really difficult to be in your 20s, cause you know everything. When you get to be their age, (and probably a bit younger) you'll understand exactly what they were doing. LOL, They love you.

Good for you to have discussed it with them. Man, honest communication is the key to almost everything.

I'm glad you talked to your dad about it and sorted it out. Honestly, I'd love it if my parents voiced their opinions to me like that. It shows they care and want the best for you, as frustrating as it probably is for you at the time.