I talked with G

I called him to talk about the boys. I wanted to know if he had told them that we split and if I could see them so that I could talk to them myself.

He hadn't told them yet because their grandfather (maternal) died the week that we split and G's younger son saw him die http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/traurig/sad-smiley-002.gif

So we decided to wait a little while before we tell them. Unfortunately, this will involve lying, and I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but we feel like a death and our break up would just be too much for their little bodies all at once.

What do you think?

AND, any tips on what I should say or how I should approach it when I do talk with them?

how old are they? don't sell them short, kids are a lot more resilant then we give them credit for, and they "know" when things are going good around them or when they are being lied to

and why would it include lying??
your dad and i, although we are still friends and care about each other, needed to split up.
it has nothing to do with either of you...and i care about you both very much! you have been a joy to have in my life, and on some level i hope i can still be a small part.

and i'm sorry to hear of the loss of their grandparent...

moon...you left in december didn't you? they know something is going down..

awww...sorry that you're going through all of this.

I would advise not to "sugar coat" the situation. I agree that kids are rather resilient and would fair better with honesty and clarity. However, be caring and sensitive. I don't quite know the extent of your relationship with them, but it seems you've been a big part of their lives so far -- so whatever you say will leave a strong impression on them.

Best of luck,
Emily

P.S. You're an intelligent woman; you'll know what to do :D

thanks Christina and HD.

I definitely don't want to sugar coat it, but G and both just felt that we might want to wait a couple of weeks to break the news.
and why would it include lying??

I apologize - I wasn't clear about this. What I meant is that we are lying by NOT telling them. I have not been seeing them a lot lately (before we split) because I was very busy and the boys knew that (although Christina, you are right that they probably know something is up).

When G and I talked, we thought it would be best to just continue to let them think that I have not been seeing them because I am busy - but only until the shock of their grandfathers death subsides. When we do tell them, it will be honest and straight foward.

I do know that kids are resilient, so I imagine it would only be a couple of weeks before this happens. And as I am typing this I feel like it sounds ridiculous . . . "let them feel better, then give them bad news all over again." :confused: I don't know what I'm writing . . . this is insane . . . they will be fine, I am giving myself too much credit . . . they probably won't even bat an eyelash . . . I have to go to school.

moon...don't sell yourself short on the exchange you all had in each others lives. will you all recover...absolutely. you cared about those children, and the love you feel for them comes through.
just be sure they understand that they are no part of the breakup between you and their father..

Wow, that's tough situation. I don't have any additional advice but just wanted to say good luck!

Yeah, I have no advice either...sorry...but breakups suck. (((HUGS))) girl...wishing you the best.

ok let me see if i have this right

you broke up/left in December.

you have not had any contact with the boys since then?

how often did you see them before that?


i'll give more input after i have those answers.

I know, my post was confusing, I apologize - I have been a little out of sorts lately.

ok let me see if i have this right

you broke up/left in December.

No, we did not break up in December, we brofe up exactly 2 weeks ago. We were living together and I moved out in November. We were going to try to maintain our relationship living separate, but so much for that.

you have not had any contact with the boys since then?

No. I have seen the boys at least once every weekend since I moved out. There were a couple of weeks that I was out of town, and there was one week that I was overwhelmed with work, so I didn't see them.

how often did you see them before that?
Well, G has the boys at least 50% of the year. So when we were living together I saw them that much. The little one refered to me as his "stepmom." When I moved out, we talked about it, and the little one said that it was "wierder" that I was moving out than when his dad moved out of his moms. :( And the older one I can't even talk about. :(

I hope that helped clarify. If not, it's because I am a total flake right now. :rolleyes:

yeah it helps a lot.


trust me these kids know something is amiss. kids are very perceptive.


i'm sorry you're losing your family...

trust me these kids know something is amiss. kids are very perceptive.

They do, I know.

i'm sorry you're losing your family...

Yup, that pretty much sums up how I feel.

Thanks momma nessa. (((hug)))

I'm taking CJ and christina's advice. :D But I'll try to keep it brief.

I'm going to have dinner with G and the boys on Saturday so that we can talk to the boys about us.

G said he told them already and the little one asked "does that mean that we're never going to see her again?" http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/traurig/sad-smiley-017.gif

Then I asked G if he is going to let me see the boys once and a while. He said he would like that. So that made me happy :D . But we have to work out the details of it.

You know, Moon. I really do respect you!

I wish my son's Dad's first girlfriend had been willing and open to coming and hanging out with G after they split up. She was SO awesome and she and *I* had forged a friendship. To this day, if she called me up, I would be like "COME ON OVER!" She was GREAT. LOVED G. Doted on him, entertained him, and was sweet as could be and he adored her. She did so much for helping me and my X relate, too. Like she was heaven sent or something.

I hope you can keep seeing the kids periodically and maintain a friendship with G, too. ;)

Wishin' you a ton a luck on this journey, cuz you're amazing AND inspirational.
~phos

Fos!!! ((((((((((hug)))))))))))

That was such a sweet post that I am actually blushing :o Thank you for your well wishes and sharing your story.

How did your son react to their break up and not seeing her anymore?

I hope I can maintain a relationship with them too. They are such awesome people - I would really be heartbroken if I didn't have them in my life at all.

((((HUGS))))) back. :D

Well, G didn't understand where she went, cuz his Dad didn't really think he would understand. And the truth was, he only broke up with her because his brother couldn't stand her and his brother lived with him. :eek: So, he let his brother ruin one of the best relationships he ever had. :rolleyes: It was sad. And G was bummed and would ask about her for MONTHS... in fact, even now, we still periodically mention her name and how wonderful she was.

What didn't help the situation was the X immediately took up with this other girl he was working with at the time who was control freak bitch! She would pick fights with my X in front of our son about how he was feeding OUR son (not all health foods and GFCF diet and all that) and was downright mean to G. She would never come in when G was dropped off to shoot the shit or anything and was cold and calculating in everything she did. It took three years for my X to finally figure out what she was all about ~ after he caught her cheating on him in HIS house. :eek: Yeah, she was a piece of work. And G and I would frequently say to each other... Mmmm... wish (R) was still around. *deep sigh*

Of course, he long since screwed up any opportunity to be with her and I really hope she is with some stellar guy who treats her like a QUEEN.

You and G were together for a LONG time and staying a peripheral friend in the kids lives will be GOOD for them, and show them how grown ups who CARE don't just vanish when things aren't quite how they think they should be. I'm really impressed by your maturity and caring for these kids and they will appreciate you long after they have grown up...

~phos

good luck moon...

Hey moon...how's everything going for you?

I was thinking about you today. Bill and I had a bit of a fight two days ago. We're both hot heads, so we fight a bit.

And I got to thinking...as bad as my relationship is with his kids...which is slowly but surely getting better (two steps forward, one step back) if we ever broke up...I would really really miss them. :( After thinking that, I thought about you and how hard this must be for you.

I hope its getting better! (((HUGS)))

Thanks Christina and SN :)

I'm going to see them tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I'm going to see them tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Good luck! I'll be thinking of you guys...

Thanks Emzak!

I needed that - I was just going to post a new thread asking everyone to send some good energy my way because I'm getting ready to go see them and I'm really nervous.

how did the vist go?

Things went okay with the boys, but not so much with G. He was really cold and grumpy and we got into an argument on the phone before we met for dinner. But whatever. :rolleyes:

So I told the boys that their dad and I care about eachother but that we aren't going to be b/f and g/f anymore, we are going to be just friends. I really don't know how much of that the older one processed, but I could tell that he was upset with me - at first he was talking to himself a lot and not paying much attention to me :( but by the time our food came he was in better spirits.

And the little one acted exactly the way I thought he would. He acted totally normal and after my little speech he said "ummm . . . I'm learning how to skateboard." :cool: I didn't want to force the issue on him, so I just left it at that.

After dinner, they came to Target with me to help pick out some things for my cats which they were excited about. They love my cats, so next weeknd they are going to come over and visit with them and then we are all going to go to a movie. The little one did act a little unusual about this . . . he really wanted me to write it in my calendar so that I don't forget :( and he really emphasized that he wanted ALL of us to go. So I hope G is in better mood by then.

So, that’s my update. I was definitely sad when I left them, but so far it all seems to be going better than I thought it would. I hope it stays that way.

are you sure you want to continue to spend time together with G AND the boys.

it might give them hope that you're gonna reconcile.

it might give them hope that you're gonna reconcile.

That's what I was thinking too. In fact, I bet that's why the little one wanted to make sure that ALL of you are going--he probably wants to get you guys back together. So sad. :(

yeah, I was thinking that too. But I'm not sure yet how to handle this. Because I don't want them to think that me and their father don't get along (if G is never with us), but I also don't want them to think we're going to get back together (if G is always with us).

Also, I am not going to be able to see them every weekend - that just wouldn't be healthy. So I have to let them know that too.

I think our date this weekend will be okay, but I definitely plan to talk to the boys more in detail then. In the meantime, I'm going to talk with G more about this too.

any advise?

Is there really no plan to reconcile? I mean, is it REALLY over between you two? Are these get-togethers just meant to soften the blow for the boys? What's up??

Is there really no plan to reconcile? I mean, is it REALLY over between you two? Are these get-togethers just meant to soften the blow for the boys? What's up??

Yup, it's really over. The get-togethers are for the kids, but they are also for me, cuz I want them in my life too. I am definitly not doing this with the hopes of reconciling . . . but G on the other hand could be.

yeah, I was thinking that too. But I'm not sure yet how to handle this. Because I don't want them to think that me and their father don't get along (if G is never with us), but I also don't want them to think we're going to get back together (if G is always with us).

Well no, of course not. But this weekend is kinda soon for another foursome get-together, no? Maybe you should spend some time alone with the boys, then the NEXT time you see them again can be with G.

The boys right now are especially vulnerable so my advice is to err on the side of caution so you don't accidentally get their hopes up that you and G will get back together.

But this weekend is kinda soon for another foursome get-together, no? Maybe you should spend some time alone with the boys, then the NEXT time you see them again can be with G.

The boys right now are especially vulnerable so my advice is to err on the side of caution so you don't accidentally get their hopes up that you and G will get back together.

This is good advice - I'll talk to G about it.
But should I be worried about disappointing them if we already agreed to all go together?

Kids make things so complicated. :(

kids are very resilant.


i think you should treat this like any other divorce. YOU see the kids WITHOUT G. totally.

DO NOT feed his ideas of one big happy.


because he will use those kids to get to you. it's a sad but true fact.

tell him that while you wish to maintain a relationship with the boys, that you do not wish to be anything other than civil and polite with him.

granted unlike a biomom you have no legal standing and he can say EFF you but you need to take that chance. I know you care about the kids but I think to be honest that this is just a chance for your to WEAN away from them.

But should I be worried about disappointing them if we already agreed to all go together?


Nah. They will be disappointed for sure, but their disappointment stems from you and G splitting up for good, not from you cancelling the movie foursome. I agree with what Nessa said.