So yeah, the family doesn't approve...

Cause I'm too old? No, doesn't seem to be the problem. Why? Cause I'm not a college graduate and my job isn't good enough. I guess that is the basic factor on whether I'm good enough. Nevermind how good I treat her. Nevermind how much I love her and want to be with her. Those things are trivial because everyday I go to work at a fireworks warehouse.

One could be offended by this, but I'm not. I know she only wants the best for her daughter and there's nothing wrong with that. But I will not tap dance for her and try to prove myself. I know who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. This is her hang up, not mine, nor Naya's. I just think it's unfortunate that this is going on.

Been there... done that... got the T-shirt.

Actually, I don't think any guy has ever been "right" to my mom. She's a GREAT lady and means well and I love the hell out of her, but she wants me "taken care of" and not having to struggle and all that... and my sister doesn't help, being the golden child. ;) But hell, struggles are what keeps things in perspective!!!

Mom did NOT approve of Litical (too young) for over a year, but she has come around and HAS so much as said she appreciates how well he takes care of "us" (me and the kiddo's)... so maybe there is hope for her. ;)

Just like ya said, SD, just keep being you. Don't let it phase you. In time, she will come around. In the meantime, just suck it up, water off a ducks back and all that.
~phos

My guy doesn't have a college degree... or really much of a job right now. I have been supporting him for the last year and a half.

That hasn't really phased my parents, who are glad to see that I am doing well career-wise, and that I have someone who stands by me.

Granted, when we met, he had a "real" job (making no money at it) and I was the student.

But I don't think that matters... they like who he is and how he treats me.

Treat her nice and they'll notice.

Her mom thinks I'm a nice guy, just not good enough. She can't see past that.

I think the fact that my boyfriend is 20 years older and can't provide for me made my parents INITIALLY think we wasn't good enough either.

But because they saw how good he is in my eyes... they came around.

We've been together nearly 3 years.... it didn't happen overnight.

Aww, sorry to hear that! ((((HUGS))))

But you're right--you can change who you are, nor should you. How you treat Naya is infinitely more important than what kind of job you have. :rolleyes:

Didn't Bill Gates drop out of college?

no rainbows and puppies here...

I think it does bother you. I think it hurts. I know as MUCH as my husband loves his job, he hates that I make 3 times what he makes and that I have a college degree and he has half a 10th grade education.

and as a Parent I can understand why the mommy feels that way. but I'm wondering HOW do you know this? did she say 'your not good enough" or are you basing it on how she behaved or what? because unless she specifically said to you 'your not good enough because of your level of edcuation and your job" your projecting YOUR feelings.

if i had brought home my current husband when i was a young woman (late teens early to mid 20s) in the situation I was in, my parents would not have approved. and as much as I hate to admit it back then my parents approval was very important to me. even if i said it was not, deep down inside where even I didn't know it, it was.

I do not know how much you make going to work in a warehouse daily, do you run the register, do you manage it, do you drive the forklift? I do not know how old you are or how old Naya is. All of these things have bearing on further conversation. IF your 25 you have potential. If your 30 something and running a register, i'd be concerned too.

OoOOoo... my Dad asked me a while ago why Litical had his health insurance through my Dad's partner, Howie, instead of him ~ as in, why didn't I refer him to my own Dad as opposed to one of the other partners.

I said to him, "Well, Dad... if I had told him to call you a year ago to get health insurance, it likely wouldn't have been very pretty, now would it?"

His response? "No, I probably would have killed him."

ROFLAO.

Yet, Litical spent Christmas with us this year and my Dad insisted on having a "family" picture taken of everyone since it was a banner year with my sister and her family flying in from LA. Litical was about to get up and go off to the kitchen or whathaveyou and my Dad said, "No, sitttttdown there... you're family, too." :eek:

TIME. Makes a huge difference.

~phos

Don't tell me how I feel Nessa. You know nothing about me.

There are many factors in my relationship with Naya that she is not aware of.
Basically it's none of her business. These factors makes us closer. Very close.

As I said, she's only looking out for her daughter and that is fine. But she is not the one who decides what is best for her. Naya is an adult and she can make her own decisions. Naya's family is big on education. They place people that don't go to college underneath them. As much as they preach that everyone is equal, they're not walking the walk. I met Naya's grandparents and for most of the hour we visited with them her grandfather went over math equations with her. He's truly obsessed with math. I'm not saying anything bad about her family, just giving an example.

I'm not going to discuss the details of my job because I will not prove myself to her or anyone else. These are not factors in what makes Naya and I work. These are hang ups that people have with themselves and I refuse to support that.

The bottom line is my love for Naya is solid and no one can tell me I'm wrong on that. I'm not worried about "us", I'm worried about the relationship between her and her mom. I'm worried about Naya having to be the only one that stands up for us, cause we all know it would make matters worse if I said anything.

I'm sorry to hear that:confused:
Whenever Griffin and I first got together his snotty sister was very rude and always said things like "I was set" and "art is a hobby and not a profession" which kinda sucked but I have come to realize she has nothing to do with how we feel about each other...she's welcome to her opinions but we don't let it effect us...It is something that is easier said than done, but it works.
Do they have any financial responsibility for her? The worst that can happen is they cut her off??? BUT< you guys can make it through that...It would suck but it wouldn't be the end of the world;)

Awesome. Yes her mom does support her financially, and has indeed threatened to "not support us". Basically what that statements says is "I'm going to force you to make decisions you shouldn't have to make because I can't see past my own thoughts". If it happens, damn straight we can work around it. Not worried about it.

And I agree, no one can tell us how we feel.

Awesome. Yes her mom does support her financially, and has indeed threatened to "not support us". Basically what that statements says is "I'm going to force you to make decisions you shouldn't have to make because I can't see past my own thoughts". If it happens, damn straight we can work around it. Not worried about it.

And I agree, no one can tell us how we feel.

I"m sorry but if she's over 18 and her mom is supporting her then in order to continue being supported by her mother she needs to abide by her mothers rules.

IF she chooses not to abide by these rules (however shortsighted they may be) then her mother has every right to cut her off.

I"m sorry but if she's over 18 and her mom is supporting her then in order to continue being supported by her mother she needs to abide by her mothers rules.

IF she chooses not to abide by these rules (however shortsighted they may be) then her mother has every right to cut her off.

True, and I respect that. But as I said..."If it happens, damn straight we can work around it. Not worried about it."

I believe her mom is going to make Naya make decisions she's not ready to make yet. So by enforcing some rules, it's going to make Naya move out. The problem with that is how other things could be effected. Mainly school. That's the last thing her mom wants is for her school work to be effected. But I'm not sure she could even see that it would be her that caused Naya to not be able to give school the right amount of attention.

I think parents are sometimes too stubborn to see what could really happen when they push a child. Especially when there is no one being hurt. She has no reason whatsoever to believe that her relationship with me is bad. Which it isn't.

I understand that and yes her mother may be short sighted but as I told my younger son (age 19) when he got a TATTOO which is vehemently against our religion; be prepared for your father and step mother to disown you.

and they did. they cried and kicked him out. yeah they forgave him later on but it's not the same anymore. a trust has been broken on both ends of the relationship. and thankfully he had me to take him back up to school (which my father covers for him)

He's just very lucky my dad did not disown him and cut off his college money.

my husband and I both have tattoos but we warned him not to get them at his age. sadly he's over 18 and I had to let him go through the hurt of permanently damaging his relationship with his dad and stepmom.


It was my advice to him as my husband's that he WAIT till he was self-supporting before he take any actions that went against his custodial parent's wishes.


the tattoo could have and should have waited.

That reminds me, do you think now is a good time to show her my arms and tell her I snorted half of columbia?

Yes, that was a joke.

That reminds me, do you think now is a good time to show her my arms and tell her I snorted half of columbia?

Yes, that was a joke.


LOL actually now is when you tell her you have 6 children by six different mothers and you pay child support even though you have them 75% of the time.

and all the mothers are OVER 18 NOW....


it's hard to be in your shoes.

trust me if i had brought my husband home at 21 (well he was only 10 then) my parents would have disowned me at least for a while.

I realize I'm not perfect. But I'm a good person and I treat Naya good. I have a rough past, but it is the past and not the present. As for who I am now, I'm confident that I am 100% good enough for Naya. And she is damn good for me. I don't think her mom would be happier if she married a doctor who abused her, or even one that simply didn't make her happy. I know I can make her happy, therefore I win.

I know my job doesn't sound like much, but it supports me and I enjoy it. I hear all the freakin time "How can this place make enough money to be open all year?". No one realizes how much money there is in this business and how high the mark up is. My boss is one rich son of a bitch. Another thing, I'm sure many of you are thinking "oh, a little fireworks stand". Not hardly...

http://www.sheltonfireworks.com/Images2006/6-4cussetalitatnight1-3-6.jpg
http://www.sheltonfireworks.com/Images2005/CussetaAlabama/2.jpg

Thats a really hard position when parents decide to not like their child's SO for really petty reasons. When my parents first heard about my OM, they were concerned with various age related things.

After they got over that, they were upset that he's not a college graduate either. He barely graduated high school, join the navy and is now an airplane mechanic. They always thought I was going to marry a doctor and have a house full of kids. It took them several months, but now they kinda like the guy and realize that him having a job allows me to focus on school more than if he was someone my age also in school.

It takes time. Hopefully her parents will come around to your relationship as well.

I forgot my fav one I took...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v312/allprorock/storepanorama.jpg

I know I can make her happy, therefore I win.


you make it sound like a GAME. it's not a game.

Some Dude, I actually think your job is really cool. Fireworks is a very specialized commodity and I'm not surprised to hear that your boss is making big $$$ from it. I mean, it's not like you're working in a Walmart or Target warehouse (no offense to those who work there).

What does suck is Naya's mom giving her a hard time and, as you said, "forcing" her to make decisions that she's not ready to make. That's what my mother did and I made a LOT of life mistakes because of it. Even so, I don't regret it because I would've had to pay a HIGHER price if I had succumbed to her emotional manipulation.

So stay strong--both of you!

LOL, Nessa - I did a double-take at that too - what's up with that?

I know it sucks, but if Naya's parents are supporting her as a child, then I think they have every right to insist she abide by their rules, but as a self-supporting adult, then they should respect her decisions. This is obviously just my opinion, LOL, but it seems fair to me. I'm sure you can understand that they don't want to fund her to make what they consider a mistake - think about if it was your child in this situation. I KNOW that this is not how either of you see it, but they have a right to their own opinion.

Good luck with it SD. Like others have already said, time and consistency will make a huge difference. They just need to see past your credentials, and see the real YOU inside. And that takes time, and you need to build trust.

PATIENCE
TIME
and MORE PATIENCE


I'm telling you perserverance and RESPECT for her parents wishes as much as it kills you will

a. impress them
b. take stress and pressure off Naya


remember if you love something it's worth the wait and you have to sometimes let it go.... not forever.

IF my daughter (who is now 13) was to be in this situation, i'd be MUCH happier if she waited till she was out of school and SELF SUPPORTING before she became seriously involved in a relationship of any type.

Some Dude, I'm sorry you are going through this! I am going through the same kind of BS too!! I'm 19, like Naya is and my parents definitely don't approve either. Course, my man is 41...but they don't like him because of his age.

I'm just curious, have you and Naya planned on living together in the near future? Or is she in school or something? (if you don't mind me asking...I also didn't read all the posts) When my parents didn't really approve, I just moved out with my boyfriend. Granted, that didn't really make my parents happier either, but I was happy, and thats what matters to me!! :rolleyes:

I agree that her mom has her best intrests at heart (most likely) but if she's happy with you, that's what should matter. Money isn't everything...and I don't think money can buy happiness if you don't have a person you love to be there to share it with. :o


Good luck, SD!
lj

Money isn't everything...and I don't think money can buy happiness if you don't have a person you love to be there to share it with.

while true that money is not everything and money cannot buy happiness

LOVE cannot put food on the table or rent in the landlord's hand.

In addition, there is nothing as empowering for a woman as the ability to support herself without being dependant on a man.

I was dependant on my first husband. I almost didn't leave a bad relationship because of it.

Now I am with a man who is dependent on me for much of his lifestyle... does he stay because of my money or because he loves me? does he love me for me or for my money? don't think I don't think about that. and he knows it so it's not like i can't say it here.

i agree with everything nessa said,

if she lives with her mother and she is supporting her,she should accept the rules imposed to her.though as an adult she can make her own decisions.Take one option or the other,every decision made has its opportunity cost.

Money wether people like it or not is important.I understand her mother too,every parent just want what "they think" is best for they children,and many times is not just being happy i am afraid,but going to college,have an average social position,having the typical middle class family,two cute children a dog,and an awesone work you enjoy that leaves you time to be the perfect mother.This is what many people want for their children...

Luckily,sooner or later most of them realize what is important is their children are happy cause they found someone who make them happy and they have enough for aliving.

As it has been said, time and patience will make it,my advice,just dont push her to choose between you and her mom,let things calm down,but if you really love her think also what she wants,not now or in the nearly future,but in the long run...and how could this effect her.

Good luck! :)

Yeah, money is important but it's not THAT important. It's one thing if Some Dude is collecting welfare checks and eating out of somebody else's garbage. It's quite another if he has a solid job that HE Loves and makes a decent living from, but it just doesn't happen to "measure up" to someone else's standards.

The only problem I see is the financial carrot that's being dangled on front of Naya's nose. My advice is to take the carrot and shove it back up their ass where it belongs. NOBODY tells me how to live my life. Take your money somewhere else cuz it ain't accepted at THIS store.

Money is very important but it's not the be all to end all. and it's not the only deciding factor.

my husband who i adore cannot support himself and his child on his salary. NOT going to happen and he makes good money. i think the key issue is decent money

can you rent or buy a decent place
can you afford medical care
can you afford to eat at least half way decent food...


i guess it depends on where you live too. rents and mortages here are outrageous. gas for my husband's truck runs 30 dollars a fill up and he fills up at least twice a week and all he does is drive to and from work... we use my car for everything else....

dogs are expensive. food, clothes for work,

we make jointly well over 80k and barely have anything to show for it.

and we have good health insurance (thank god).....


also some of us are not so strong as to be able to just walk away from family even if they are being difficult.

Ok, the "I win" was a joke. You guys forgot I'm not always serious.

I do respect her mom. I'm not trying to start any sort of conflict whatsoever. I told Naya that her plan of action for right now should be to do absolutely nothing. All this just surfaced and it's hardly worth making things worse when we don't know how bad it is or how long it will last.

elle jay, yes we've talked about living together. As for now it's not the right time. I could be moving at any time to who knows where. That move might be for a few months or it might be my new home. All that is out of my control. And yes she is still in school. She's lucky enough to go for free to a nice college, and she's willing to give that up and pay for school to be with me. That's one hell of a girl.

Yes money is a factor in a relationship. But I assure you it is not a problem for us. But I also believe that love can prevail. It just depends on how much you can sacrafice for you and your SO.

I appreciate everyones advice. I think along the lines of what has been said here, just haven't said it. I'm not dumb. I'm actually quite good at this sort of thing. I told Naya there is nothing she can say to her mom to make her think different. The only way she will realize this is a good thing is ten years from now when we're still in love and have a house and lots of dogs.

I told Naya there is nothing she can say to her mom to make her think different. The only way she will realize this is a good thing is ten years from now when we're still in love and have a house and lots of dogs.

That's a GREAT attitude to have. Naya, if you're reading this, hope you're doing ok. (((HUGS)))

Yeah...I agree with Em. If I would taken the carrot instead of shoving up the ass...I would be the most miserable person on earth right now. Because I got out in the world that it wasn't even a BIG carrot. It was a baby carrot (freaking books for college and beer money! Puh-lease!). They emotionally made the carrot out to be the biggest fucking carrot on earth. Screw that. I found both the carrot and the string offensive.

WOW! This is starting sound REALLY familier!!
I'm 28 (29 in August) and while the problem isn't my parents, it's my grandmother, who has raised me since I was 16. My grandmother is thourghly convinced that I am going toing to take care of her for the rest of her life (she's 77? I think??) NO man is EVER going to be good enough for her. She is also convinced that everyone (myself and especially my father) are out for her money.
What she doesn't understand is that I am desperate to get out.
She insists that I work (which I like to work), BUT I'm supposed to blindly hand over my paychecks to her. She thinks that if she pays my bills (with MY money) that I will be completly dependent on her. This has been going on for about 3 years now. It's gotten to the point that I essentially have a double life. The life I portray at home to her, and my real life. I do work, I've always worked. However she does NOT know about my job, or my bank accounts or the PO Box where everything is sent. I give her HALF of my student loans (Thank you God for sending them in payments!) which seems to appease her.
By the end of the school year I should have a full time job with LAUSD lined up for next year, and I should have enough money saved up to move out.
Then comes the tricky part...
She has a cabin in the mountains where she spends a large part of the summers. One week while she is away, I will hire a moving van and just leave. Literally under cover of night.
I have no choice. She won't let me leave voluntarily (at least not with my stuff!!!)
She HATES Shane, because of his age but more importantly because he takes my attention away from her.
The whole situation is twisted and sounds like something from "Flowers in the Attic" however, it is my life!!

sounds like something from "Flowers in the Attic" however, it is my life!!

Flowers in the Attic was so scary...OMG, Hopefully she won't try and feed you poison cookies...
(((((((HUGS))))))))
I am sorry to hear your G-ma is being such a pain in the @$$
keep us posted...
Kristen

Flowers in the Attic was so scary...OMG, Hopefully she won't try and feed you poison cookies...


I seriously wouldn't put it past her! There are reasons I won't eat any of her cooking (aside from the fact that she's can't cook!)
Now there may have been circumstances (premie and birth defects) but I can't escape the fact that SHE KILLED HER OWN CHILD!!!!!!

Long story short, her first child (my dad's older brother) was born premature, with Down's Syndrome (we think?) and other birth defects. Spent several months in the hospital when he was first born. Shortly after he came home my grandmother smothered him with a pillow. He was 6 months old, this was in 1949. A year later (October, 1950) my father was born.

Now maybe she thought she was doing everyone a favor (maybe she was, who knows???) but I question the integrity and motives of someone who is willing to murder their own child.

Jesus. I couldn't imagine letting anyone run my life like that. I don't see how you put up with that for so long.

But honestly, I don't think she's crazy for doing what I see should be done. I'll never understand why animals are smart enough to kill their weak, but for some reason it's murder for a human to do it.

Oh, I understand why. It's that God thing.

I put up with it for an education.
After all I did get a master's degree (well almost done) and a teaching credential out of it. It wasn't always so bad, once I got some "earning power" and I think she is realizing that I am an adult, with a mind of her own and that scares the shit out of her. That's when she got really bad, only in the past year or so. (when she realized that I was capable of supporting myself and that I really DON'T need her!)

chikygrl,

sounds to me like you have a good plan and a good head on your shoulders.

I'm sorry your in such a bad situation.

I second Nessa here... sorry you're in such a really scary and heartbreaking situation. I also cannot imagine any reason for killing ones own child.

My old co-worker many years raised two wonderful sons, one of whom had Downs and was wheelchair bound. He was the joy of her life! She was much more "friends" with her other son and the cool mom who took him to concerts as a teenager and rocked out. LOL. She was a blast, but most of her true beauty came from her love for her disabled child. She was a truly spectacular woman and I was honored to know her.

Some Dude, it sounds to me like you're doing everything right... NOT reacting is the best approach and taking this all one step, one day at a time, too. :D Seriously, Dude, you remind me of my son's Dad in many ways ~ only nowhere near as jaded. He's still searching for a lady like Naya who can see past the "earning potential" and into the heart of gold he has. He's a great guy and I wish for him, as I wish for you, nothing but the best. :D

I think you're old enough to not always think the grass is greener on the other side... ;) He finally is, too, but our youth put us through hell back in the day. I never loved him for anything but his good heart, but he wasn't done sowing his wild oats. ALAS. My Mom never approved of him either, of course. :eek: But he's a great Dad and in no way a "mistake."

~phos

chikygrl,

sounds to me like you have a good plan and a good head on your shoulders.

I'm sorry your in such a bad situation.

Thanks!
Needless to say I come from a very "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger" philosophy