War wounds...

...fiance did the flashback thing again tonight. :( The whole thing is just....stressful. And frightening. Very frightening. His bad dreams seem to come more and more often. For the first couple years we were together, I saw maybe two of these things. Now its once every month or two. I wish he'd talk to someone about it. But I don't think he will. :confused:

What war your man was in?

Yikes! That is frightening and sad. Have you talked with him about getting some help? Post traumatic stress is some serious stuff. I hope you can help him to get the care that he needs. Does he talk to you about his experiences?

(((hugs))) for you and your fiance.

Vietnam. Drafted spring of '68, in country Oct. '68- Dec. '69. Last month and a half was in the brig. Long story. But they let him off.

Yeah, he actually talks a lot about it to me. He's never really talked about until a few years ago. Its been 35 years. Maybe its better to let it go. Maybe I shouldn't ask him about it :confused:

I've asked him if he needs help. He won't look for help unless he believes he needs help. He doesn't think he does. They usually only last an hour or two at most. He gets fairly violent, but as yet hasn't hurt anyone.

Im sorry to hear that, it must be really scary for you both.
I have a long time friend that was an interagator in Vietnam
He has nightmares. And it scares the shit outta his wife. He
drinks during the day to numb himself. He wont talk about it.

Im sorry for both of you.
And I thank him.

It was a long time ago. Has he not seen the doctor? Or the dreams are rather recent happening?

The frequency of the dreams is becoming more and more. He's done a lot of reading on the war. He has an entire library of Vietnam related non fiction. But he never talked about it to anyone before he met me. He wants to talk about it. But it doesn't seem to "help." It just seems to bring up memories that are hard for him.

I am sorry to hear about your sorrow SN.

War is not for us regular folks and yet us regular folks are the ones who get called into this mess. War is driven by fears. And fearful people are very scary things.

I think, now that you are in his life, things may get a bit better for him. Was he living alone before he met you?

Yikes SN...I'm sorry to hear about this...I know it must be rough on the both of you...I know you're feeling pretty helpless right now and that sucks.

(((((HUGS))))) I wish I had more/better words to give to you tonight.

Have you asked him to see someone?

Nadine.

I am sorry to hear about your sorrow SN.

War is not for us regular folks and yet us regular folks are the ones who get called into this mess. War is driven by fears. And fearful people are very scary things.

I think, now that you are in his life, things may get a bit better for him. Was he living alone before he met you?

Yeah, he's a wierd duck. He was married for 32 years and his wife died. We moved in together like 3 years to the day after he died. But he wouldn't show his pictures to anyone. He has two wounds/medals (one more and he coulda got to the rear if not gone home) that he wouldn't show anyone....newspapers, letters he got. He just shoved them away, and no one ever saw them. He came back and spent at least a decade in an alcoholic haze, maybe just over, so I think he felt guilty for being a vet. For putting his family though all that. So he never brought it up. I don't think he was encouraged to at all.

Which is why now I feel a bit guilty. I ask about his time in the war because I want to know, and it seems the more we talk about it...which he doesn't mind with me, but not with anyone else...the worse he gets. :confused:

I really don't understand. I just wish there was something I could do to help him. Like Nadine says, he's shaking cuz he's so scared, and I just feel totally fucking helpless and useless at the same time.:(

Maybe I shouldn't ask him about it
Maybe it's a good idea not to ask him specifically about it, but always lend an ear. Maybe if he wakes up from a nightmare, just gently ask if he wants to tell you about the dream.

He wants to talk about it. But it doesn't seem to "help." It just seems to bring up memories that are hard for him.

This is pretty common for trauma victims. In fact "talk therapy" is controversial for them because it can sometimes make them relive the trauma in an unproductive way. So you're right in sensing that sometimes it doesn't help.

But a lot of therapists who specialize in PTSD are using alternative treatments now. There's one treatment that uses eye movement to help dissipate the trauma without reliving it. Maybe he would be open to something like this?

Maybe if he doesn't want to go for counseling, you may need to go, SN....so you can get some help to learn how to help him.

I'm from the Viet Nam generation....although I was in high school through most of it. But I knew quite a few guys who were drafted. It was awful....then when they came back they were treated so badly....like it was all their fault. I think every young guy from my generation lived in fear of having to go. There was a lottery and everyday of the year was in the mix. If your birthday came up at the top of the list you were the first to be drafted.

I knew a man who suffered so badly years later that when a car backfired outside, he'd dive under something. He died in his 40's....also a heavy drinker.

Hugs, SN....I hope things get better.

I ask about his time in the war because I want to know, and it seems the more we talk about it...which he doesn't mind with me, but not with anyone else...the worse he gets.

this is exactly why a lot of therapists stopped doing "talk therapy."

Maybe if he doesn't want to go for counseling, you may need to go, SN....so you can get some help to learn how to help him.

this is a really good idea

Oh God!! how horrible!
My Shane was "technically" drafted, but they stopped the draft about a week before he was supposed to report (1975).

Yeah...Bill got every defferment that Dick Cheney got...married, in college, part-time college...some other one...but the one he didn't get was the one where if you have a kid you don't have to report. So when the last of the defferments he qualified for ended...the next week he got his card from Uncle Sam. '68 was probably the worst year to be drafted. Hence ending all the defferments. :( It can't be good to recieve a draft card two months after the Tet Offensive was all over TV and Walter Kronkite called the war "unwinnable." All the draft boards were different, but the one Bill had to report to was particularly bad. They were drafting people and sending people to basic who were WELL below the IQ limit. He didn't even bother to apply for alternative service.

Everyone else I knew who was drafted or the draft was imminant got CO status and were able to do something else. Like become a draft counseler...and teach other people how to dodge the draft.

I hope he has a better day today. :(

I"m just gonna HUG YOU..... nothing i can say.

Maybe if he doesn't want to go for counseling, you may need to go, SN....so you can get some help to learn how to help him.

I was just thinking this myself.

Also, if Bill won't talk to a shrink about this, maybe you can find him a Vietnam Vets support group where he might feel more comfortable opening up.

Or maybe YOU can find a support group for people dealing with PTSD, kinda like AL-ANON.

((((((HUGS)))))

That's a really good idea Trish that I never would have though of.

The whole vet thing would really freak him out. I remember once in 03 I went to DC for a week during appropriations/authorizations time to lobby on military procurement stuff. I walked over to the memorial and rubbed off the name of his best man at his wedding for him (who was killed a couple months before he was sent) I thought I was doing something nice but he flipped out. Turns out he refuses to go to the memorial wall. He tried once in the 80s and Nancy Regan was doing a publicity appearance there, and couldn't so he never tried again...and won't.