His kids...

Leigh has two kids. A boy who's 16 and a girl who's 20. I've met both and we get along well. But, I've run into a few things today that I can't reconcile.

We took his son to the movies and out to eat tonight. We usually do about once a month, and it's usually pretty fun. But, tonight, I don't know if he had something else on his mind or what, but he was just really rude to my OM. I wanted to say something, but really couldn't. So, after we dropped him off, we talked about a few things that I don't think my OM really will follow through with.

His son needs a job. He sits home and plays video games all day. His mother gives him $120 a month to do nothing, so why the heck would he get a job? My OM has told her to stop his allowance but she doesn't because she wants him to be dependant on her. It's sick. I want my OM to do something more.

He needs to live with us. His mother doesn't keep house and they have 3 cats. Sometimes, when his son gets in the car with us, he smells like cat feces. I feel bad for him. I wonder if he gets picked on at school. Also, his mom has taken to going out to a country and western hall about 4 of the 7 nights a week leaving his son home alone. My OM already pays for everything he does, so why can't he live with us? I want my OM to do more.

At least if it's not possible to live with us, I"d like him to come over and spend some time at our house. It's a more relaxed atmosphere, cleaner, and he can get away from his mom. But he won't. I even invited him over to watch the Superbowl Sunday and he said no. I've almost been here a year and he won't come over. I want my OM to do something more.

Lastly, he needs a job so that he can drive...basically, I think they're coddling him and really stunting his individual growth. They don't discipline him when he mouths off, they don't make him do anything he doesn't want to, and if I would have said some of the things to my parents that he says to his, I'd have no teeth in my head. I just don't understand. I'm so....so.....I don't know. I'm just so.

Alanna:confused:

Wow, that sounds really frustrating! (((((HUGS)))))

What is the current custody situation--does the boy's mom have full residential custody or does she share custody with your bf? Unfortunately, if you want the boy to live with you full-time, your bf will probably have to go back to court to petition for full residential custody. I don't know what the law is in California, but in New Jersey courts rarely modify custody unless there is a significant change in circumstance e.g. the mother is abusive or a drug addict. In your case, it doesn't sound like your bf's ex would give up her son without a fight. Are you prepared to go to court over this? Also, the boy is 16 so the court will take his wishes into account. If he doesn't even want to come over to visit, what makes you think he'd be willing to tell the court--in front of his mother--that he wants to live with you full-time?

As for the coddling, mouthing off, etc., that really sucks. You're right though in that it's not really your place to do anything. You can't discipline your bf's kids for him--he has to to it himself. Just keep talking to your bf like you are now. Find out why he's not doing anything about this (or at least not as much as you'd like)--does he not think it's a big deal? does he still feel guilty over the divorce? is he trying to "compete" with his ex for the kid's affections? is he just lazy about this? etc.

I sometimes feel that my husband indulges his kids too much. In his case, he feels guilty for divorcing their mother, though he's slowly getting over that. It's definitely been a challenge for both of us!

Honey, I'm sorry!!!
But unfortunatly the fact of the matter is, he's 16! His parents have let him get away his behavior for 16 years and they've let him fall into a lifestyle.
You can't get a 16 year old to change over night, and you certainly can't make them work (or do anything) they don't want to do.
I hate to be the barer of bad news, but that's just the way it is.
How are his grades? At this point, that is what is most important. As long as he is doing well in school then there really is no cause for complaint.

And just THANK GOD he's still in school and doesn't do drugs!

NOT YOUR KID
NOT YOUR PROBLEM

detach.

YOU have no say in HIS child's behavior dear.


it sucks I know but if he won't do it why do you worry.

is the kid in school? is he drug free? is he sexually active? because if the proper answers (yes Yes no) are there then you need to bite your tongue.

many marriages end over stepmothers trying to raise kids that are not yours to raise.

teenagers are RUDE to their parents... it's part of being a teen. some are ruder than others...

He's 16, he's quite capable of doing his own laundry at least so he doesn't smell like cat crap. At that age he is responsible for his own personal hygiene.

I was just thinking that. You'd think that at 16, he'd want to smell nice just so he could attract the laaaaaaaaadies. :confused:

oh hell my 13 yr old (step) daughter does our laundry
and makes coffee
and empties the dishwasher
sets the table
clears the table


and a few other things


my DH and i are both limited phyiscally so she does a lot of the lifting bending and carrying up and down stairs.


but we have custody.

And I've said narry a word :) It was jut my thoughts. I'm sure I have overinflated theories of what would be best, and it just comes down to the fact I have to mind my own business. He's a good kid, his grades are good, and he's in Boy Scouts. His mom does have full custody. And no, Emzak, we don't have the resources to fight a custody battle. I just feel bad for the kid. Thanks for reminding me of what I originally intended to do...min my own business! :)

Alanna:o

Repeat over and over again...thank god they aren't spending my money....thank god they aren't spending my money. THANK GOD THEY AREN'T SPENDING MY MONEY. If you have any clue HOW much of mine and fiance's money goes to the adult stepkids...you'd walk away in a stupor.

Sierra....I'm a bit clueless when it comes to child support etc so bear with me here. Why are you two paying $$ out to his adult children? Sorry if I'm being nosy :o .

Sierra....I'm a bit clueless when it comes to child support etc so bear with me here. Why are you two paying $$ out to his adult children? Sorry if I'm being nosy :o .

If you feed a dog that shows up on your porch, it will come back for more.

because that's what parents do.

my kids are 19 and 21 ( the 21 yr old is disabled) and I do not have custody and have not for over a decade... I give them money as needed.

my in laws give my 34 yr old husband money as needed and his 32 yr old brother all the time... he's much worse off than we are.

also many men who leave their wives have guilt over it and give money to assuage their guilt.

Well, if my folks hadn't helped me out on at least two occasions (divorce #1 and divorce #2), I woulda been SCREWED. You never stop being a parent, but the point is NOT to give hand OUTS, but hand UPS. ;)

But, Alanna... if your OM's son WANTS to live with you, he can. Legally, he is 16 and all he has to do is ask to live with Dad. If that's something he wants. Doesn't need to be a long, drawn out financial escapade for filing for custody. Once a child is 13, he/she has a say in where they live. Does your OM and his son KNOW this? And IF he chooses to do so, you can make a filing pro se, as in, without a lawyer. Check your state law, but I believe the standard federal law is 13...

~phos

Sierra....I'm a bit clueless when it comes to child support etc so bear with me here. Why are you two paying $$ out to his adult children? Sorry if I'm being nosy :o .

No, you're not being nosy! S'all good! We're not technically paying child support. Just stuff like...cars, plane tickets, food, cash, and now we're fixing up this house to give to them to sell for more money, or if they can't be bothered to deal with it, we're going to sell it and give them the money.

Years ago we had agreed to save up a down payment for a place of our own. (I really don't want to live in his deceased first wife's house. We still have to take down our pictures off the mantle and put their mother's wedding picture back out when they come to make them feel comfortable!) However, we've been putting SO much money into it, that looking at the finances, we may have to even hold off on our wedding let alone buying our own place! Doing the year end stuff....kitchen, bathroom, buying them new furnature, painting, new carpet, we've got about 30 grand into that house, which by rule of thumb, 15 grand they should get back in sell price.

Its a tough situation, because I understand that parents want to take care of their kids. Its even tougher for me be they expect it if not demand it. Plus we're in an age gap relationship. I didn't ask for it but here we are. I think its a little unfair and excessive to take care of them to the tune of 30 grand, while there's no money left for our freakin' wedding. I've told Bill that this is getting a little out of hand and it needs to stop, i.e. we finish the projects we have going, but I'm not pumping in my savings so the kids can split the profits for 75-80G house! Maybe if I had some assets already, a place to call my own, ok. But damn...my family sends me $100 on my birthday $100 at Christmas. They split their time between Florida and New Hampshire and pay rent on two places, but they deserve it. I'm not gonna get all upset that they are spending my "inheritance" or not doing enough for me.

I agree with Nessa about the fact that you have no control over what kids do when they ain't yours. But while it may be great to have the kid live with you, I'm not sure its fair for Lanners to be working her butt off to send a kid, who already has two parents, to college.

Fos, couldn't the ex-wife totally fight that though? I don't know this woman but I'm betting she'd be pissed about not get child support payments if the son moved out.

Yep. But, especially at the older teen ages, a judge will seriously consider the wishes of the child, as well as the nature of which home environment is best for the child. A child can submit and Affidavit of Preference which the judge will consider.

If you hire a lawyer to do this, it could cost big bucks. BUT, there is nothing within the judicial system which requires you to hire a lawyer for ANY proceeding. But, you best have done your research and filed the right papers and know your rights. I filed for my first divorce pro se and it went smoothly... $64 was my end all cost! :eek:

This second divorce has definitely NOT gone so smoothly and I have a lawyer for this one... alcoholic, passive-aggressive son of a bitch is he... :p But I do remember when we were trying to get his son out of foster care (cost ME $10k damnit, cuz he did NUTHIN), I distinctly remember being told that the child could choose at 13 which home he wanted to live in and that my ex would have to be prepared for that possibility in the future, despite his ex-girlfriends wrap sheet and convictions. :rolleyes:

~phos

Thanks for the support! His 16yr old doesn't want to live with us...much less come see us...because everytime he spends time with his Dad or with his Dad and I, his mom gives him a hard time at home, (ie yelling and asking a bunch of questions, claiming he loves his dad more than he loves her...just the usual guilt trip). So, he's reluctant to have aything to do with me, or with us as a couple. It kinda hurts my feelings but I try not to let it.

The 20yr old dropped out of college 2 years ago and hasn't made an effort to go back since. She keeps saying she's going to, and she expects her word to get her some financial support, but tough stuff :) We pay $1300/mo for alimony and child support for the 16yr old ($450 for child support and $850 for alimony) and the ex has already said that when he turns 18, she's taking us back to court for more alimony. Sometimes this crap really gets to me. They've been separated 2 yrs...filed April of 2005 and she's pulled all kinds of shenanigans. Maybe it'll be final in the next 2 weeks...that's what they're telling us. I don't understand her, and sometimes I don't understand my OM when it comes to dealing with her and his kids. I guess you get in a pattern of parenting and relating to your spouse and, to you, it seems perfectly normal...but to me it seems so defeating and disfunctional. I try not to mention it to my OM very often...but it doesn't mean I think about it less. It makes me wonder if my family was as functional as I thought?

Alanna:o

Thanks for the support! His 16yr old doesn't want to live with us...much less come see us...because everytime he spends time with his Dad or with his Dad and I, his mom gives him a hard time at home, (ie yelling and asking a bunch of questions, claiming he loves his dad more than he loves her...just the usual guilt trip). So, he's reluctant to have aything to do with me, or with us as a couple. It kinda hurts my feelings but I try not to let it.

My husband's ex is doing the same passive-aggressive thing. She is not supportive of the kids' relationship with their dad, let alone with me. That's why we're hauling her ass to court! :)

As for Phossy's comment about going pro se, I've done that too and although it saves you big bucks, you better make damn sure you've done your research and you have a solid understanding of the law. It's not as easy as it looks. The courts don't give you any leeway just because you're flying solo against your opponent's hot shot attorney. My husband tried to go the pro se route at first and got SKEWERED by the other side. That's when I told him we gotta stop messing around and get serious.

Now we have one of the top matrimonial lawyers in the state and I love watching him trounce his ex's pathetic excuse for a lawyer. :D

Okay, here's how it went. The only reason they waited a year to file is because she wanted to get on her feet. Fine. It was going to be an amicable divorce. He filed at We the People, a place that deals with non-contested divorces for a reasonable fee. Well, when she found out about me, assuming I'd been there all along...which was NOT the case..., she had a "friend" who was an attorney. This attorney friend had a wife that worked for Citibank and the three of them started checking out my SO's bank account and decided that, although he was paying her the $1300 a month ON TIME EVERY MONTH even though it wasn't court ordered yet, they were going to pursue having his wages garnished. The ex did all this without telling my SO. Luckily, we have 2 bank accounts, and the majority of the money was in the one the attorney's wife DIDN"T have access to. So, after she got over me, got a new job and started on some new anti-depressants, she decided to confess the whole sorted thing. That's why we waited all December to get a court summons and never did...because her attorney was holding things up. So now, supposedly, she's signed the originally drawn up papers and the divorce should be final sometime in the next two weeks after it goes to a judge to decide the length of alimony and sign off on the amount agreed to for child support and alimony combined. I know NOTHING about this stuff and it makes me very nervous. But, I told him that if ANYTHING smells fishy that we'll put every last penny we have into a good attorney.

Alanna:o

I'm really just curious here, Lanners, but why is he paying alimony? Was this a "Fault" divorce? Did he cheat on her or is it a Non-Contested divorce? Because, if it was a non-contested divorce, that means there was no "fault" and if they were married less than 20 years, he shouldn't be obligated to pay alimony... unless its just some obscure state law or something.

I've been divorced twice myself, so I'm kind of confused by the reasoning. Child support I can see and understand, but I have NEVER heard of paying alimony in a NON-contested divorce. If it is truly a non-contested, no fault divorce, what state do you live in and how long were they married, cuz I'll need to remember never to live there. :eek: Not unless I want to GOUGE my ex's eyes out or something.

~phos

i got alimony in the first divorce fossy. I was a SAHM wth no job no income and no skills.

he was a good man who agreed to generous CS and limited Alimony... for 1 year or until i found a job or remarried which ever came first. we seperated in april... i had a job by july.....

That's my point... its obvious she is working. So, why the alimony in a non-contested no-fault divorce? She's working. Child support should be sufficient.

~phos

Ya, they were married more than 20 years and lived together quite a while before they were married. I think all together it was 28 years? I remember something like standard of living...it had something to do with her income and the custody. Basically, she couldn't support their son or herself without alimony. She didn't work up untill they separated, and then she got a 32 hour a week job at a grocery store in the bakery for a little above minimum wage. Now she has a full time job where she makes a little more and has insurance, but it's not enough to support her. He consulted an attorney when they were agreeing on an amount. One told him it was a good price, one told him he could only probably get him about $200 less, and the other agreed with the first.

The only saving grace is that when he goes back to court to reevaluate alimony, his argument is that her potential for earning is going up, while his in his line of work (he's a plumber) is not. Plus, hopefully by then she'll either be financially independant or married.

Alanna:o

Hey.. thanks for clearing that up. ;) Plumbers make good money... which just leads me to a lil Litical plug (my honey) ~ he just got a NEW JOB ~ has orientation on Friday! YIPPEE. Oh, just so you know its not too off topic, he's a plumber, too. LOL. Only got 1 year in the trade, but is now with a BIG company which has full benefits, schooling, training and all sorts of perks, plus $2/hr more than he was making.

Plumbers rule. ;) Manly men. Muahahhahaa... They don't take no shit! They might come home covered in it from time to time, but... shit runs down hill and paydays on Friday.

~phos

Actually, these last few months have been quite good! Tell Litical to stick with it because it's a trade where your experience lets you take the most money from the most people! :) The best thing he can do is get his OWN liscense and maybe get his contractors liscense while he's at it. That will open up a whole lot of jobs for him. My whole family is plumbers :)

Alanna:o

Awesome!! The whole reason he applied for this job (which he was referred to by my co-worker, cuz her nephews and husband work for this company) was the schooling. Four years, 8,000 hours in the trade and he can have a journeymans. Another year and he can take the test for his masters license and as he puts it... "That means, by 25, I can be making enough for YOU to be a SAHM." :eek: OH how I hope he sticks it out!!! Yes I do.

~phos