New Dating Territory!

Hey everyone! I was referred here from a member over at enotalone when I posted a question regarding an age-gap relationship that I've been in. Reading over many of the posts here so far, it seems my age difference query might be a little on the less-severe side, but never the less...

Anyway, so I'm 20 years old, currently living in the UK (although I'm an American) and a couple of weeks ago I ended up meeting this guy. Now, let me just say, that I have always gone for older guys. Not for any particular reason mind you, and never have I turned down someone just because they weren't old enough. Perhaps maturity, I don't know...I'm mature, but accept that I am young. So when I initially met him I thought he was 32-34 because he looks pretty young, but it turns out he is really 38! 18 year age gap!!

I was captivated with him at first because of his amazing Australian accent, but more than that, he is so easy to talk to and like me loves to talk politics. And, unlike a lot of other guys I've dealt with, he's not afraid to make romantic gestures or communicate about his feelings. I think we compliment each other well. All in all, he and I get along very, very well and its the first time I've felt really appreciated by a guy. He doesn't play games, calls when he says he will, little things like that.

We have talked about the age difference and think that while it could be problematic, it is something that can be dealt with. Both of our families are very accepting and while my friends at least, may think I'm a little crazy at first, they have always accepted people that I've dated.

So I guess I'm coming here for a bit of support? I am of the mindset that everything happens for a reason, so he must have been placed in my life for some purpose! Technically we're two adults...so...there shouldn't be any legal problems, right? What are some obstacles we might encounter and, more importantly, how do we overcome them? Pros/cons? Is it even as big of a deal as some would make it out to be? Am I going to one day morph into an Anna Nicole Smith, going after guys in their 80s?!!

For the past three years I've dated like it's my job, but I am now ready to take on a serious relationship. I want to do this right!

So I guess I'm coming here for a bit of support? I am of the mindset that everything happens for a reason, so he must have been placed in my life for some purpose! Technically we're two adults...so...there shouldn't be any legal problems, right? What are some obstacles we might encounter and, more importantly, how do we overcome them? Pros/cons? Is it even as big of a deal as some would make it out to be? Am I going to one day morph into an Anna Nicole Smith, going after guys in their 80s?!!

LOL since you are both adults, there will not be any legal problems. :)

One of the biggest obstacles age gap couples face is disapproval from family and, to a lesser degree, friends. However, it doesn't sound like you will have this problem.

Another common obstacle is kids. Usually, the older partner already has kids from a prior relationship and is either unable or unwilling to have more. For a younger partner who doesn't have kids but want them, this can be a deal-breaker.

Also, I assume you're still in school whereas he's already established in his career. When two people are in such drastically different life stages, it can cause conflict. Oftentimes, the older partner is tempted to make decisions for the younger partner because he has "been there, done that" and so "knows best". As long as your bf gives you enough space to mature on your own terms and doesn't get impatient while he watches you struggle over typical quarter-life crisis issues that he himself struggled over 20 years ago, you should be fine.

Another big obstacle is the fear that the older partner will get sick and die, thereby condemning the younger partner to a long widowhood. I don't have any answers for you on this one. I'm 28 and my husband is 49, and I still struggle with this myself. Nobody knows what the future holds, so all you can do is just live each day to the fullest and hope for the best. You can't go through life thinking that your loved ones are gonna croak any second. :eek:

That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure the others will chime in to point out what I've missed. :D

I can't think of any legal problems you would have. You're both adults, at least in the eyes of the law. :p

My advice is to continue dating him and see where it goes :D It seems like so far you have a lot of support and you really like each other. What more could you ask for?

I was in a 26 yr. age gap relationship for nearly two years, and the only problems we ever had boiled down to long term issues like having children, getting married, etc. We were just at different stages of our lives and we didn't want the same things. Although your gap is not as large as mine was, I would give those kinds of things consideration and deeper thought once things get more serious between you two.

But for now, I would just explore this new relationship and enjoy yourself.

Mmmm...guys with accents. *grin*

Hi! Let me see if I can answer some of your questions...

First...no...no legal issues. You're 20...which means you're legal. :D

I would think that some obstacles you might face are family. I know my family is wasn't supportive of my relationship (I'm 23, my man is 44) but I'm living my life the way I want.

Another thing yall might have to face is distance. Are you planning on staying in the UK? Is he? That could pose some difficulties down the line.

I think the most important thing is to communicate with your guy and keep things open.

*GRIN* NO...I don't think you'll end up like Anna Nicole down the line...at least I hope you don't! I hope I don't either!!! :D

Nadine.

I suppose also what makes me a little unsure, apart from his age, is just how kind he is to me. I mean, I know that sounds dumb, but part of me wonders "is he too good to be true"?! I know he's not hiding anything (he has job that puts him somewhat in the public spotlight in a certain region in the UK), so its not a matter of him hiding kids, a wife, etc.

Maybe I've just been dating jerks in the past? You know, always being unsure of where you stand with that person, how much they really like you, etc. This is the first time I've really felt pursued by a guy. The other day, I rather impulsively said "maybe we should just be friends" and instead of saying (as other guys have) "you know, this probably isn't going to work if you feel that way," he said "I'm disappointed to hear that, but I'm willing to take whatever I can get from you and maybe at some point down the line you'll want more, maybe not...you control the pace of this relationship, but I need you in my life in some capacity."

Should I be concerned that he isn't being genuine or has ulterior motives?

As for my staying in the UK, yeah, I'm here for a while, as is he.

Maybe I've just been dating jerks in the past?

I think you just answered your own question. :)

It sounds like your bf genuinely likes you and is comfortable enough in his own skin to let you dictate the pace of your relationship.

Your previous bfs may be into playing head games because they are immature or perhaps insecure about what they have to offer.

I think the only "ulterior motive" your bf has is he's hoping that you will get over your uncertainties about the relationship and you won't want to be "just friends".

I see myself in a lot of what you had to say -- atleast how I was in the beginning of my relationship. My guy is 51 and I am almost 28.

I often wondered in the beginning if this was too good to be true because he just had a whole different way of approaching things. He was very laid back, and very patient -- he wasn't pushy, and he was very understanding. The more we talked about what we were thinking the better things got, and we've always taken that approach.

He has had a LOT more life experience than I have -- career-wise, family-wise, etc... but he doesn't push me along and just act like my 'problems' and 'worries' are insignificant. He encourages me to chase my dreams and he supports my ideas.

I think it really depends on the two people involved in the relationship, and communication is huge (but it is in any relationship right?)....age-gap relationships aren't for everyone because they do come with their own set of 'challenges'.....for some they cannot be worked through, and for others, they don't infringe upon their relationship much, if at all.

At any rate, this is a great place to be for support/advice :)

he said "I'm disappointed to hear that, but I'm willing to take whatever I can get from you and maybe at some point down the line you'll want more, maybe not...you control the pace of this relationship, but I need you in my life in some capacity."

Hi there!

As for what he said...that could have been my BF talking. We got together very soon after I went through a breakup, and needless to say, I was conflicted and wanted to stay single for a while to get my head together. He basically said the same thing...that it didn't matter to him, he just didn't want me to slip out of his life. Of course, now we are together, and everything is fine. :D

As for him being too nice, yes, I've had that concern too. I've never been with a guy this sweet, romantic, caring etc. But, he's also been through 2 marriages, and admits that he wasn't always like this, but, after the last divorce, he did a lot of soul searching and thinking about what was important to him etc.....and this is what brought him to where he is. The point of this long ramble is that I think that we are shaped by our experiences, and being older sometimes allows for a greater appreciation of the important things in life.

Emzak already mentioned my biggest age gap concern (by the way our gap is the same as yours - 18 yrs....I'm 29 and he's 47). It's the fear of losing him...I have a really really hard time with this.

As for you....I'd say that the thing I'd be concerned with is having different goals and career paths etc...ie. where do you eventually want to live, do you want kids, and if so when, and will you need to move to go to school etc. But, you encounter this sort of thing with any couple so it's not really age-related.

One obstacle is getting over your freaked-outtedness. He's just a guy. You can't always look at him as this "OLDER man"--- just a guy you like.

I was 21 when I first got together with my boyfriend, who was 40. I just decided that he was some guy I was digging.

I didn't hide him from anyone, I didn't POINT OUT that he was basically twice my age (I didn't hide it either), I was just very blunt that he was this guy I was into. Not an OLDER guy, just some guy.

And we've been together 3 years. No family/friend issues. We've got issues, but the gap doesn't really contribute to those.

Good luck and just look at it as any other relationship, and hopefully others will too! But if they don't, it's not up to others to judge your level of happiness.

Okay, so a new development:

He wants me to come down to stay with him for a weekend in London. I feel comfortable with progressing to this stage, so thats not the issue. I've just never stayed with a guy before...girls, what is it like? It feels weird to think that he's going to see me when I'm not "on" you know...dressed up, makeup, etc. like when we are out on dates. Could bedhead put someone off?!

I've just never stayed with a guy before...girls, what is it like? It feels weird to think that he's going to see me when I'm not "on" you know...dressed up, makeup, etc. like when we are out on dates. Could bedhead put someone off?!

No, bedheads are sexy! ;)

Just sneak off to the bathroom first thing in the morning (before he wakes up) and put on some blush or something. Also brush you teeth. He will think you are naturally refreshing. :D

Really? Why don't guys have to run off and do this stuff too?! Haha. Its just that sometimes I look like a wreck in the morning and can be a bit lost until I have my first cup of coffee.

Also, should I assume that if he wants me to spend the weekend, he wants to have sex as well?

hehe...I can help here!! My first date with my BF was a weekend away (I was away at school and we flew off for the weekend). We knew each other as friends for years beforehand though...

Anyhow, yeah, don't worry about the bedhead...EVERYONE looks messy in the morning. Funny, on our "date" HE was the one to sneak out and go brush his teeth and "freshen up"...I was too tired and lazy to. :o BUt, yeah, if a guy's into you, messiness in the morning is only going to be cute and sexy to him.

About the expectation of sex, no I wouldn't think he's necessarily expecting it...but this is something I'd talk about first, because he might be. We talked about it, and what sort of level we were willing to go to, before we actually got there. This way there's no misunderstanding or expectations or uncomfortableness.

And about the coffee....mebbe he'll get up and make you coffee first thing in the morning? Just let him know that you're a coffee addict and need that buzz in the morning...:p

Good luck....hope it's a great trip!!

The other day, I rather impulsively said "maybe we should just be friends" and instead of saying (as other guys have) "you know, this probably isn't going to work if you feel that way," he said "I'm disappointed to hear that, but I'm willing to take whatever I can get from you and maybe at some point down the line you'll want more, maybe not...you control the pace of this relationship, but I need you in my life in some capacity."?

I think that's one of the nicest things anyone could possibly say....

Should I be concerned that he isn't being genuine or has ulterior motives?He sounds like he really cares about you and is very sincere.

By the way, I love your name.... :)

Also, should I assume that if he wants me to spend the weekend, he wants to have sex as well?

He might not be expecting it, but he's probably hoping for it. :D

I agree with Annie--it's a good idea to level set expectations beforehand.

Thanks you guys for the great advice!

When I asked him about sex he said "why the hell else would I be inviting you down!"


Actually...just kidding!


In all seriousness, he said that while the thought has crossed his mind (although I'm sure its been doing a lot of crossing...and lingering), he was going to let me set the pace of things and "at this stage in my life, I don't mind waiting for things I really want."


Things are still going great. BUT...a friend of mine last night (a guy, I might add) while being generally supportive, kept saying "australian men prey on american girls, " "he only likes you because you're young" "I'm not saying you won't have a good time with him, but don't expect it to last more than a few months..." WTF?! Now, I'm kinda having doubts because all of this is coming from a friend whom I highly regard.

In particular, he said that because my guy is australian (talk about stereotyping!) and older, that he'll know my emotions better than I will, and will use this knowledge to manipulate me. That alone has me questioning everything romantic my guy has ever said to me.

Obviously, I am aware that girls, particularly us younger ones do get duped into situations like this. But surely there would be some warning signs?

Oh and...I told my mom about him.

Well, kinda. I said he was 34. (he's really 38).

Her response: "Finneganswake!!! Oh...well as long as he treats you right. I trust your judgement, just be careful. But whatever you do...don't tell your father. He would literally come over there and bring you home."

I feel a bit bad that I didn't say his real age. But I knew if I did that she would have equated 38 with 40. (Never mind the fact that she once had a relationship with a man 20 years her senior).

I'm guessing the age thing won't come up for a while again. And by then, maybe we'll be able to just laugh it off? Its just a little white lie, right? Yeah...

I told a little white lie once to my parents about my relationship. (This was with my Ex)

My parents actually met my Ex...but we told them that he was a friend of mine's dad.

Needless to say now I can never tell my parents the truth about this because they'd be more than livid.

I think it's definately better to tell your parents the truth...as hurt as they'll be about the age...they'll be hurt even more if you lie to them.

Nadine.

When I asked him about sex he said "why the hell else would I be inviting you down!"

Actually...just kidding!

Can I just say that I like your sense of humor? :)

P.S. If you ask me, I think your guy friend is jealous!!!!!

Hey everyone! Sorry, I've been away for so long. I've been super busy with the end of the term here. Just wanted to give an update on the weekend I spent with him...in short, it was fantastic! Yeah, we did eventually have sex, but it was by no means the only thing we did. I think I'm kinda falling in love, but I have to wait until he says it first...

Just "kinda" falling in love, huh? ;) :D

Glad to hear you had a great weekend! :)

I always end up with younger men 10+ years. I think society is much more accepting of older men/ young women; than the other way. So unless there is some other issue, I would say who cares about the age difference.