http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/ Have a question or need to vent? Get advice for all your relationship issues. en Fri, 10 Sep 2010 11:43:14 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/ http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8035&goto=newpost Thu, 09 Sep 2010 14:23:55 GMT Totally new to this but here goes.....

I'm 25 and my new partner is 34 turning 35. So not as big an age gap as some of you on here but still a generation.

He is totally different to anyone I have ever dated before...normally go for my age (or slightly younger) boy racers types. Fast cars, no prospects and only one thing on their mind. Though between 17 and 23 I did have two longer term relationships (3 years and 1 year) but I have been completely single from then till two months ago.

My new partner is seperated just waiting on his divorce being finalised in January and has one wee boy of 9. His Ex & son live in a new house, they have been seperated for a year.

I have always been dead against A) Dating a big gap gap, B) Someone with Kids & C) Dating someone whose seperated so it wasnt a step I took lightly. But I have never been with someone before who makes me feel so special and treats me with as much respect. Suppose you just dont know who you'll fall for.................

The major problem I have is my Mum just doesnt agree with it. I'm an only child and still live at home. But I am financially independant and have a good job. Reason for me being at home is my Mum has always pressured me to stay...Dad works away so she would be on her own if I wasnt there.....plus we have horses which take alot of care....so when I had no reason to move I didnt.

I should point out my Dad is Ok with it but only home at weekends. He says as long as I am happy, careful, take my time and enjoy myself he will support me.

To be honest I was more offended that Mum was willing to resort to emotional blackmail and say some very hurtful things. Like I'm bringing shame on the family etc........................

I do understand her concerns, and in an ideal world I wish he wasnt married, and the divorce was final, but thats not the case.

We have no plans for me to meets his wee boy as it is such a new relationship and you never know whats round the corner.

I do worry its a rebound thing for him, but he has shown me no sign that it is. He has been truthful, honest, direct and fair with me since we started. To be honest he has treated me like a princess and I'm very excited to see where it goes...........

Anyway, only a few weeks in she lost it, bear in the mind I was only seeing him once/twice a week, so things are/were moving slowly. But she made some accussations and demands that have meant I had to decide whether this relationship was worth going against her wishes for..........therefore I feel its become alot more serious quicker than it should of. (There is no pressure from my partner) If am honest I always do things to keep Mum happy but this time I want to do what I want......................................but am struggling, I hate going against her...........................but this feels right!

Great to be able to write this all down.

Hopefully things will get better, any comments or support gratefully recieved xx ]]> Relationship Support Minerva http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8035 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8032&goto=newpost Wed, 08 Sep 2010 00:15:31 GMT My SO rang me last night saying he had experienced some symptoms (similar too a heart attack, but not totally consistent) and basically asking what... My SO rang me last night saying he had experienced some symptoms (similar too a heart attack, but not totally consistent) and basically asking what should he do? I think he was hoping it would be nothing, but I told him to go to the hospital. I rang him 30 minutes later to make sure he had gone and he was on his way there.... and getting really frustrated and swearing and yelling at me down the phone.

I know he was just scared, but I felt so helpless being 3000kms away, and I didn't know what to do. I sent him a text 3 hours later because I was worried I hadn't heard anything (and didn't know if I needed to book some emergency flights, or call the hospital!) and he texted back a little bit after saying he had just left the hospital, and he was fine but didn't want to talk. He then said he needs to take some "him" time (which is true, all he does is work).

I didn't sleep at all last night and I still just feel sick and helpless. I know he was really scared about his symptoms, but I also feel like he doesn't need me at all (wont talk to me and tell me what happened, yelled at me etc). Apart from the fact I feel we have no romance (not helped by the fact we are so far from each other), I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with someone who can't seem to let me in. I send cute/sexy texts, sweet cards in the mail, do thoughtful things for him that I know will de-stress his work, and I get NOTHING back. And now this...

I just don't know how long I can keep "fighting" to be with someone who doesn't give anything back.

*sigh* sorry just scared and frustrated and helpless right now. I felt so guilty I wasn't there to be with him. ]]> Relationship Support Kayelle http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8032 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8031&goto=newpost Tue, 07 Sep 2010 23:52:55 GMT Ok I am 30 and my SO is 65. There is no physical intimancy between us but we love each other dearly. Could a relationship work if one of us stepped... Ok I am 30 and my SO is 65. There is no physical intimancy between us but we love each other dearly. Could a relationship work if one of us stepped out of our relationship for a sexual relationship only? Is it even fair or right to think about? ]]> Relationship Support noel1220 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8031 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8028&goto=newpost Tue, 07 Sep 2010 03:13:57 GMT Ok, so as promised I had a conversation with my SO yesterday and today. It wasn't as hard as I thought... like I said he just inspires me to be honest! :D

I told him I work with my xbf and that we are still good friends. I also told him about my history and my tendency towards the "don't ask don't tell" attitude but that I want to change that. I also told him about the house analogy with the couple inside and any lie or omission that is or isn't told creates walls or windows between the couple. He thought that was a good analogy.

We had an absolutely fantastic conversation and he said he really appreciated me telling him. And I truly wanted to! I don't want to hide anything from him. I really want this to work. When I left there today (I have spent the last 4 nights there) he was headed to a 4 year "cake" meeting for one of his friends, but he said he wanted me to be there when he got back. I told him no, I was going to go home tonight. He then told me that he had been thinking to himself the other day that he could see himself living with me happily because we respect each others space.

Anyway, you all were right. Telling him the truth made me feel so much better and I do feel somewhat cleansed now...

Thanks for the great advice! ((((HUGS)))) to ALL :) ]]> Relationship Support Tatertot http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8028 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8021&goto=newpost Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:09:13 GMT I want to know how you all have dealt with the "dreaded" issue of parental support (or lack thereof) for your relationships. I'll explain a little of my situation first...

My SO is 27 years older than me. We started out as very good friends, and grew to be -slightly- more affectionate for each other as we got closer. :) When he finally told me he loved me, I wasn't at all surprised...sometimes you just know. :) My parents knew that I was good friends with him, but as he and I went further into thinking about the possibilities of a "more-than-friends" relationship, I started to get a little nervous about what my parents would think. I'm currently in the middle of college, and also living in my parents' house because I can't quite yet afford to be on my own, even working a great part-time job, because of tuition payments and paying for everything else. Basically the living situation is that the only thing that I do not pay for is groceries and rent. I get everything else. My parents have always been fairly overbearing and controlling as far as romantic relationships are concerned with me, but I thought maybe it would change since I am now a fully functional adult and have been for a while now. I decided to run it by them, the possibility of SO and I getting together, and they absolutely flipped. "He's as old as your dad!" and "He must be a pedophile!"...the WHOLE bit. I don't know how to get around it all. My mother went as far as making me promise I wouldn't talk to him anymore. We're long-distance, so it's fairly easy for me to keep things on the down-low, but in spite of some feelings of guilt, I've continued talking to him because I think he's worth it (and so much more.)

So I'm waiting until I'm able to move out (my friend and I are looking at rooming together in an apartment, crossing our fingers for this coming summer) to even think about telling my parents what's been going on. They think I'm not talking to him. SO has been incredibly supportive and sweet through it all...he's the only person who's been keeping me sane and anchored through this whole thing, even after my mother contacted HIM and told him off. I just adore him for that. And what's more is that he's willing to wait on me to get in a position to where I can comfortably have a real relationship with him. He and I are just in the beginnings of this WHOLE new realm, but we both feel that it's so going to be worth it and that there is something really very special going on. (We're in love and in it for the long haul.)

How have you all dealt with parental issues? I guess I'm probably, more than anything, looking for a little advice here. But I also would love to hear your stories about this issue. Thanks, everybody :) ]]> Relationship Support lookupthenumber http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8021 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8019&goto=newpost Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:10:34 GMT Hi,

I'm new to MTaG, and also to an big age gap relationship. Previous boyfriends have been the same age as me (19) or 18 months older, which isn't exactly much of gap.

When I say 'boyfriend' though, what I mean is that myself and SO have met our match in each other. We've know each other for just over 2 years, and both have a love of the outdoors, and share similar opinions on subjects such as recycling, health and attitudes.
We talked (in a joking fashion) of getting a big barn conversion, with a spectacular view of the mountains, and having a garage big enough for 3 boats, and other things like log fires and a peice of grass for him just to mow!
After a week sailing together, it put many things in perspective for my SO. He asked "Can you really see us together to life?" I had no idea how to answer, so I tried my best, and after a bit of waffling I said "I honestly don't know". And asked him whether he could see the same. He said he could "but such decisions are a leap of faith".
He then asked "Does this feel different to you than previous boyfriends?" My answer was "yes, but you're not a boyfriend, but in a good way. You're more than that, like a soulmate" And that's basically how we describe our relationship, but haven't 'come out' to any family members or friends.


All I want to know is, is an age gap of 24 years that bad? (I'm 19, he's 43) Well yes I accept that walking in the streets holding hands, we could get some funny looks perhaps. But does it matter if we're happy? What are people's general thoughts on my situation? Is it too much of an age gap, is it right..?

Much appreciated for any answers guys :) ]]> Relationship Support moooo64 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8019 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8018&goto=newpost Tue, 31 Aug 2010 20:47:31 GMT I should probably be posting this under chit chat as it's not specifically about my current relationship... but more in general...

I am wondering if there are any words of wisdom out there from folks who have gotten re-married...

Specifically how did you know you were ready to take the plunge again? How long did you wait after you were divorced? Did you feel it was actually important to "officially" get married as opposed to just living out a happy life with someone of your choosing? Why?

These are just some of the questions I am struggling with... as mentioned not specifically about my current SO (as we've only been together about 3 months) but questions I have been pondering for the last several years...

I got married too young IMO (at 22) and for all the wrong reasons, so I found myself separated (it was my doing) at the age of 26 and legally divorced at 27. Thankfully no kids were involved. I started dating my xbf fairly soon after my separation (at 26) but it was no rebound as we dated for 6 and a bit years until I finally decided to break up with him in the spring of this year.

My issue is that never once during those 6 years did I ever think I wanted to marry him. I don't think that's normal. I think that no sane woman would ever want to date someone for so long without wanting to marry the person. I found myself becoming physically ill every time I thought that he was getting close to asking me (sick with revulsion and not with anticipation!) I decided this was not normal and so for that and a PLETHORA of other reasons I decided we had to break up.

But now I am 33 and wondering if I am actually marriage material? I am absolutely IN LOVE with my independance. I have never had to rely on anyone for anything. I have worked, and worked HARD ever since I was 16. I put myself through university part-time while working full time. I moved across the country when I was 18 so not only did I have to pay for university, I had to pay for rent, car, food, etc... I bought my first (and only) condo at 27. I now pay my mortgage, car payments, food and other miscelaneous expenses on my own. I like going where I want when I want and with whom I want. I am not made of money by any means, but I am self-supporting and can get by.

I never changed my last name when I was married, and I don't think I ever would. However I really, really enjoy "being" with someone (dating), but as long as it's on equal footing. I strongly and firmly believe in equality (oddly though I am not a strong supporter of equity, but that's another story...).

Sorry for the rather long rant, but my clock has been ticking for a while now in regards to both children as well as a re-marriage... and whether I actually want one, the other, both, or neither!!

I would love to hear others experiences with re-marriages... it might help clear some nonsense out of my head... ]]> Relationship Support Tatertot http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8018 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8016&goto=newpost Sun, 29 Aug 2010 01:12:07 GMT So... my xbf that I was dating for the past 6 years that I broke up with earlier this year I think might be trying to get back together with me...... So... my xbf that I was dating for the past 6 years that I broke up with earlier this year I think might be trying to get back together with me... not sure how to handle it...

I have always been able to be on friendly terms with my x's and I was hoping this one would be no different. We were together for 6 years but we hadn't really had a "physical" connection for the past couple of years, but we were always good, really good, friends.

He has obviously had a much harder time with this break up than I have, but we are in a situation where we are forced to work closely together for most of the year. And he has been going through some really difficult times at work recently and I have been trying to help him through it. We both fell into the trap during our relationship of alienating some of our friends and he doesn't feel like he has anyone else close to him to talk to these days. And since we have been such good friends for so long and we must continue to be on good terms I am finding it difficult not to talk to him. We went out for dinner last Tuesday because I helped him pick up his new motorcycle from the dealership. He paid. Then he asked me for lunch yesterday because he knew I wasn't working. I went and he paid again. (even though I offered to have the bill split). Then today he sends me a text asking me if I want to go to the theater tonight. I said no thanks because I had other plans (i really don't... but I thought that going to the theater sounded too much like a "date" and I don't want him to think that I will change my mind about "us").

I know it probably sounds like I might be "leading him on" with talking to him all the time and going for lunch and dinner with him, but I really, really want to maintain our friendship and our good working relationship.

Is there anyway that this is possible? I really value him as a friend and don't want to lose that, but I don't want it to blow up in my face with my new relationship either. In fact it almost already has. I told dbf last night that I went for lunch with my "friend" and dbf said that was fine as long as it wasn't with an xbf... and I panicked and said no, of course it wasn't an xbf... just a close friend that I have worked closely with for the past 7 years. And dbf said good because xbf's are bad news... I felt so horrible for lying. I almost want to confess to him tonight that I lied and that yes it was my xbf but I don't know how he would take it...

Seriously I feel so incredibly horrible. Sometimes I just panic and let things blurt out that I really, really regret later... I should have just told the truth... do you think I should come clean now? Or just try to let it slide away?

Seriously confused... (but not about which man I want to be with... I definitely want to be with dbf but still want to remain friends with xbf... sigh... stupid life...) ]]> Relationship Support Tatertot http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8016 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8010&goto=newpost Thu, 26 Aug 2010 16:39:37 GMT
This is me and my SO (34 years difference)

The past three months have been hell but him and i are coming through the fire now all thanks to you guys :) I am so thankful for all the support and kind words.

My parents still don't approve but they say it is my choice. he is such a lovely man,

We are going to London in September for two days and I am rather excited - makes a change from Scotland. a bit like going home for me haha,

Thanks again all :) ]]> Relationship Support redvixen2809 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8010 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8008&goto=newpost Thu, 26 Aug 2010 03:29:03 GMT I title this post superficial and vain because that is how I feel right now. My boyfriend is 17 years older than me, he is 40 and I am 23. Even... I title this post superficial and vain because that is how I feel right now. My boyfriend is 17 years older than me, he is 40 and I am 23. Even calling him my boyfriend seems childish. Wierd thing is, that the age gap didn't bother me for like 10 months and then a couple months ago, the fear of this gap creeped up on me. We havn't been together too long but i am about to ruin a really good and beautiful relationship due to my fear of how society will look at me. He treats me amazing and is good to me and loves me so much. I don't want my vanity to take over!

HELP!

:eek: ]]> Relationship Support lkr http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8008 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8002&goto=newpost Mon, 23 Aug 2010 06:01:24 GMT I'm posting here because my relationship with Ed has been my support and we really need a category for "life support".

The past few weeks have been extraordinarily difficult. In May and June I worked for the US Census.2 days before my birthday I got a bunch of letters from the Employment Development Dept. saying that I did not claim my earnings from the Census on my unemployment claim. As a result I am disqualified from collecting unemployment for 7-8 weeks and that I owe the State of California $2500. Needless to say this is a HUGE problem. I really can't afford to not get my unemployment check for 2 months. (August & September) and I don't HAVE $2500! I call and I call and I haven't been able to get thru to anyone that can give me clear answers. I have filed an appeal, but who knows how long that will take!

This whole thing wouldn't be an issue IF I could find a job (goes without saying!) I'm so DESPERATE for a job (or an income!) that I've agreed to working for the local Neighborhood Council. It's gonna pay me $150 a week (for 12 hours work) which is better than nothing. This wouldn't be a problem if my grandmother wasn't so active in it. Ed is totally opposed to me taking this job (as am I) but my grandmother has basically said if I don't take the job she will throw me out of the house. Ed and I ARE talking about me moving in with him, but he's not ready, Morgan's not ready and in all honesty I'm not sure how ready I am. I REALLY need to have a job before that happens.

Add to that my grandmother (that I live with) is freaking out because she's so disorganized. I'm trying to help her organize all her papers, but she keeps taking files out of boxes and misplacing them... not a good work enviornment.

Than last night, I'm on my way home from Ed's house. It's about 3:30 in the morning and my car (which is only 4 years old and JUST had service on it!) starts OVERHEATING!!! I called AAA to come tow my car and sat on a major boulevard (3 blocks from my house) for an HOUR before I started the car again (the engine had cooled) and it started overheating again, as I got home. Ed was very good and very patient with me when I called him in tears! He offered to come and get me (but I was almost home, so I told him to stay) and he stayed on the phone with me for quite a while.

Early this morning, my brother called to tell me that my (other) grandma passed away. She had a heart attack on Father's Day and had been sick ever since, so we knew it was comming. I was able to talk to her about a week ago. And I'm happy that my Mom was able to get back to Tennessee and say goodbye. I'm sad that I didn't know her better.

Ed has been such a great help through everything. He's been on me to call EDD (even though I'm scared of what they might say) and getting down to LAUSD to see if I can reapply as a Substitute (again, scared of what they will say) He's let me vent about my Dad and my grandmother. And been a real shoulder to cry on. I am SO blessed and SO lucky to have him in my life! I just wish everything else wasn't so bloody hard! ]]> Relationship Support chikygrl13 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8002 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7992&goto=newpost Mon, 16 Aug 2010 22:02:19 GMT Hey Guys

Just looking for a few words of advice or support. I've been goin out with my boyfriend for nearly two years..i've known him for three. He is 15years older than me.

I love him so much, i honestly feel like he's the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he'd like to settle down and get married. I'm just unsure from a practical sense does these kind of relationships work out... I'm afraid to allow myself to fall for him fully...even though i know i love him so much. I'm afraid that things in a couple of years won't be the same.

I just need some reassurance that these relationships have worked in the longterm for others ]]> Relationship Support mlxx http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7992 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7991&goto=newpost Mon, 16 Aug 2010 14:44:50 GMT Hi, I'm fairly new here, havn't really posted anything untill now anyways. I just wanted some advice, I am intrested in an older man, but have no idea how to approach him. We have talked a couple of times and know each other but I don't think he knows that I am intrested in being more than friends, I do not do well with dealing with emotional situations to began with and I'm pretty self-conscience. I would like the chance to be more than friends with him but I have no idea how to approach the subject, any advice at all would be appreciated. Thanks! ]]> Relationship Support RepoGirl http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7991 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7990&goto=newpost Mon, 16 Aug 2010 14:40:52 GMT Hi, I'm fairly new here, havn't really posted anything untill now anyways. I just wanted some advice, I am intrested in an older man, but have no idea how to approach him. We have talked a couple of times and know each other but I don't think he knows that I am intrested in being more than friends, I do not do well with dealing with emotional situations to began with and I'm pretty self-conscience. I would like the chance to be more than friends with him but I have no idea how to approach the subject, any advice at all would be appreciated. Thanks! ]]> Relationship Support RepoGirl http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7990 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7989&goto=newpost Mon, 16 Aug 2010 13:40:13 GMT Well after deciding that I was and would continue to be in a non physical sexless relationship he out of the blue informed me that he is starting to... Well after deciding that I was and would continue to be in a non physical sexless relationship he out of the blue informed me that he is starting to feel like he "might" be more interested. What is the deal with that? :confused: ]]> Relationship Support noel1220 http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7989