Parental Approval

[whittybit21]

Hey ya'll, I need a bit of advice. My guy is 36 and Im almost 20. We met a year ago at his cousin's air show. Well, this past August we got to know each other well on a mission trip to Alaska. When we got back we kept in touch, he lives in Atlanta and Im in Asheville, NC. About two days after we got back, I started my second year at college. He sent me flowers and I told my mom, just for the heck of it. Well, needless to say, she wasnt too happy about it. I dont think that it was completly about the age, but that was a biiiiiiiig issue. He also had a past with drugs and alcohol and women. haha. Anyway, my parents and family members were not happy about it and said nooo way. Me and my guy decided to just be friends and move on.

Lets jump to the present day, hahaha. Anyway, his mother has cancer, so out of concern I called him to see if everyting was ok. We have started talking again, and I didnt realize how much I missed him until I started talking to him again. We have always joked about getting married and had inside jokes about how we'd raise our kids and stuff like that. We were talking the other night when we were out, and he mentioned a ring that I wear, its a cheap costume ring, but he was saying that he wanted to see it and get an idea. In most cases I would be freaking out, but it actually excites me to hear that. Before you get the wrong idea, I am going to finish school and finish getting stuff together before I get married. He knows that and we've talked about it.

Getting to the reason for this long story, hahaha, my parents were still very oppossed to the idea of me and him in general, much less marriage. My mother has actually gotten to the point that she wont wince when I mention him, she even asked me some questions about him the other day. I am an adult and I can make my own decisions, but I was raised to honor my mother and father. How should we approach my parents about possibly having a relationship, well, one that is actually out in the open, unlike before? Do you think my mother seems like she will come around? Ya'll got any advice on how to deal with the situation in general? Thanks sooooo much, sorry its so long, hahaha, there is a long backstory to it. thanks again!

[buddingbeauty]

I think I would want your parents to maybe meet him- if its important to them that he is Christian then they will be able to meet him and see what kind of a person he is. If he is as good as you say, at least then your parents will have met him and know how he treats you and makes you feel. This may not be the case for you, though. It depends on your situation and what your relationship with your parents is like, but if its important to get their approval and get the relationship out in the open, set up an informal meeting where you can all get to know one another.

[whittybit21]

Thanks so much. In August of last year when this all began, he actually wanted to take them out to dinner and sit down and talk about the situation between us. I'm not sure when I should bring up the situation about us again. Mom seems to be coming around, but should I just wait and see how it goes for now?

[buddingbeauty]

Well, August was some time ago. Do you think enough time has passed by? My plan was to let some time slide by in my relationship to give a hint to potential mean comment-makers that we clearly weren't in it for sex/money/other common age gap related reasons or else we would have fizzled out sooner. It's really up to you. I'd sit your parents down and say "It's really important to me that you meet someone who is so special in my life, just like I want him to meet the most special people in my life." Letting them know that you want them to be a part of it is important, but it also lets them know that this is your decision and you just want them to see your relationship for what it is and be supportive.

[whittybit21]

Thats such a good idea. Thanks so much. Im def gonna keep that in the back of my mind. As of now, Im just gonna show them that I am and have been capable of making this kind of decision. I think the big thing about them is the fact that I am their little girl, no matter how old I am. I know they only want the best and dont want me to get hurt, but I also want to show them that they have taught me well. Thanks again!

[Emzak]

I think your parents' biggest concern is that you won't finish school. By showing them that you intend to finish school AND that your bf is 100% supportive of your education, that will go a long way to bring them around. Other than that, I firmly believe that "honoring" your mother and father doesn't mean letting them make your decisions for you. Yes, you honor your parents by respecting their opinions, but respect also runs both ways--they, too, need to respect your adult decisions.

[whittybit21]

He's actually harder on me about finishing school than they are sometimes. haha. He wants the best for me and would give me the world, and he has tried over and over again. haha. Its just getting both parties on the same field. haha. Thanks!

[Momma Nessa]

does your mother object to the man or his age? cause its a big difference.

I think a lot of times Parents object to the specific person for VERY specific reasons....

[jesique]

witty...how often do yall see each other? Are there plans to live closer to each other in the future? (by the way...I live in Raleigh, NC) *grin*

My parents are very religious...and had a big problem with the fact that my bf is older than they are (only by a 1-2 years)

With time...my mom has gotten better with the fact...she kind of had to because I moved from Texas to NC in order to be with my bf.

I think it's very important for parents to know that you will be finishing school...i know that was a big deal for mine.

So anyways...I'm not sure where I'm going with this...lol..it's late and I'm exausted...but anyways....hello and welcome and I'd love to talk to you more later cuz it sounds like we have similar issues in our lives. *grin*

Nadine.

[auntkitty]

When you say trouble with drugs and alcohol and women, red flags went up.
What kind of trouble??? Dealing?? Addiction?? Was he abusive?? and don't rely on his answers........foryour safety, get a background check on him....he could be a nasty dude, but then again he could be a changed man.....

[buddingbeauty]

I agree with Aunt Kitty about the past it sounds like your man has... be careful, but at the same time I'm going the do the same things I hope your parents will- and give your decision making the benefit of the doubt.

[whittybit21]

Thanks for all the advice. Im def going to do a background check, plus, his family goes to church with me. They dont sugar coat anything he has done. He was dealing and using drugs. And he was a borderline alcoholic. This has been years ago, but it still happened. We actually only live about 2 1/2 hours away. My best friend lives in Atlanta and so does some of my family, and he has family that lives up here, so he comes up a lot. I havent been down there for obvious reasons with my parents, but they almost let me go down for his baptism, but something came up with school. I wouldnt mind moving down there once we're married, but thats a long way away, if it happens. Just dont know if I can deal with the traffic, hahaha. The background check will be a top requirement though.