First, a disclaimer. My husband and I fight. A lot. And we don’t always fight fair.
So how the heck am I qualified to write this post, you ask? Well, we all make mistakes, and hopefully we learn from them. In writing this post, I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning!) in how NOT to fight.
I had to learn this stuff the hard way, and to this day, I don’t always take my own advice. Forcing yourself to fight fair is hard! Even when you know what you should — or should not — be doing, it’s easy to slip in the heat of the moment.
So the next time you and your partner fight, try to keep these pointers in mind:
1. A Look is Worth a Thousand Words
You’ve probably all heard the old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. The same goes for that killer look you shoot your partner every time he or she pisses you off.
You may think you are exercising the utmost self-control by keeping your mouth shut when every cell inside your body wants to scream at your partner and rattle off insults, but make sure your eyes aren’t doing the dirty work for you by giving your partner the death glare.
You don’t actually have to call your partner an asshole or a bitch to make him or her feel like one. A nasty look is worth a thousand nasty words!
2. Think Twice Before You Speak
It’s easy to say nasty things in the heat of the moment, but before you let the words escape your mouth, stop for a second and ask yourself this one question:
If you were to die today, do you really want the last thing you say to your partner to be what you’re about to say?
Because if not, then zip it! Sure, you can always beg for forgiveness later and tell your partner that you were just angry, that you didn’t really mean what you said, that you take it all back.
Your partner may forgive you, but unfortunately, you can’t un-ring a bell. Once you say something, it’s out there for good. There’s no taking it back.
3. Stick to the Issue At Hand
When couples fight, it can be so tempting to drag in other unrelated grievances. Don’t do it! Otherwise, what starts off as a minor, easily resolvable argument may quickly snowball into an all-out fight of epic proportions.
So if, say, you asked your partner to take out the garbage and he forgot, you can be pissed off, but in your annoyance, do not bring up that time two months ago when you asked him to pick up your favorite ice cream at the supermarket and he also forgot then, so obviously he doesn’t listen to you, which means he doesn’t care, because if he really loved you, he would pay more attention, right? RIGHT?
Um, no. Stick with the issue at hand and don’t go dragging up the past. First of all, it clouds the current issue. Second, you’ll only end up overwhelming your partner into being defensive and/or wanting to give up, neither of which is good for your relationship.
4. Don’t Hold Grudges
This goes hand in hand with #3. Holding grudges will only make it harder for you to stick to the current issue during a fight, so don’t do it. Learn to forgive and forget. Tomorrow is a new day and your relationship deserves a fresh start.
5. Pick Your Battles
Sometimes couples fight about the same things over and over, with no end in sight. If this describes you and your partner, think about what you’re really fighting about and whether it’s worth all the pain and misery you are inflicting on each other.
In my experience, there are only a few “dealbreaker” issues, and they are different for everyone. Fidelity, honesty, trust, respect, whether or not to have children — those are the biggies for me.
Does it annoy me when my husband makes a huge mess in the house? Sure. Does it annoy me when he keeps leaving the toilet seat up or when he forgets to put the milk carton back in the fridge? You betcha. Are any of these things worth launching World War III over? Probably not.
What are YOUR biggies? You have to figure out what issues are important to you and what your personal bottom line is. Anything else is just not worth fighting about.
6. Know When to Extend (or Accept) an Olive Branch
Know when to end a fight. Don’t let things drag on out of principle or because you want to “win”. There are no winners when you and your partner fight — just two very unhappy losers.
By following these simple ground rules, you and your partner will hopefully be able to resolve conflicts as quickly and painlessly as possible. Learning how to fight fair is hard work but it is definitely worth the effort!