Age gap relationships aren’t for everybody. Relationships are hard enough as is, and when you throw in an age gap too, well, let’s just say it certainly doesn’t make things easier.
With that said, I do believe there are certain personality traits that make one better suited for an age gap relationship. Take a look at this 5-point checklist and see how much of it describes good ol’ wonderful you:
1. Do You Have a Thick Skin?
I think this is the most important trait of all. We all worry about what other people think to a certain extent, but if you’re the type that gets into a tizzy every time someone makes a comment about your relationship (and believe me, there will be plenty of those) or looks at you funny on the street, you’re going to have a tough time.
People say dumb things for many reasons — maybe they’re just naturally rude or maybe it’s just plain dopiness — and when that happens, you need to be able to let the comment roll off your back. And if people stare at you and your partner on the street, hey, maybe they’re just admiring how fabulous you two look together!
2. Do You Enjoy Trying New Things?
If there is a big age gap between you, chances are you and your partner have very different life experiences. For example, my husband grew up in the ’50s/’60s whereas I grew up in the ’70s/’80s. He still remembers what he was doing the day JFK was assassinated and the day Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon — events that I can only experience through history books or old newspaper articles.
If you and your partner come from different countries or have different ethnic or religious backgrounds, get ready to bridge an even wider gap. You may be exposed to different languages, foods, customs, cultural references — things that you and your partner may have previously taken for granted in your respective former plain vanilla relationships.
3. Do You Go With the Flow?
If your partner is older, chances are he hasn’t been living the life of a Tibetan monk before you swept him off his feet. He may be married before (sometimes more than once) and may have kids from a prior relationship. Same principle applies if you’re a dude and your partner is an older woman.
In any situation where there are exes and kids involved, be prepared to expect the unexpected. Visitation issues, money issues, jealousy issues…the list goes on. The kids may hate you. The exes will most definitely hate you. How well you and your partner weather this hurdle will largely depend on how flexible and resourceful you are.
If you’re the older partner, try to keep your younger partner in the loop with what’s going on in your life, especially if they involve your ex and kids. I can personally attest to the fact that it sucks having to go through a relationship always feeling like the other shoe might drop at any moment.
4. Are You Assertive?
This trait may seem contradictory to the previous trait, but in reality, they work very well together. Yes, it’s important to be flexible and open-minded, but it’s just as important to be assertive in setting healthy limits and boundaries.
“Going with the flow” does not mean being a doormat. In any given situation, you need to figure out what your personal bottom line is and be able to speak up for yourself if someone has crossed it.
For example, a common situation is where someone hides his or her age gap relationship from family and friends, for fear of disapproval and ridicule. If your partner isn’t comfortable integrating you into his or her life just yet, you need to decide how long, if at all, you’re willing to be hidden in the closet.
5. Do You Focus on the Present?
Oftentimes when people enter into an age gap relationship, a switch gets flipped on in their brains and they begin to do a series of compulsive mental calculations, which go something like this:
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“If I’m 25 now and he’s 45, that means in ten years, I’ll be 35 and he’ll be 55, which means when I’m 50, he’ll be 70, and when I’m 65, he’ll be…ZOMG!!!”
Does this sound familiar to you?
Well, I’m here to tell you to stop that nonsense right now. You’ll only drive yourself and everybody around you crazy. Your age gap relationship is a living, breathing being — it’s not just numbers on a sheet of paper.
Yes, the numbers are real; and yes, it is an ugly truth of life that we all eventually die. But just because someone is older — even significantly older — than you doesn’t automatically mean that he or she will go first. Life is not that predictable.
Don’t ruin the love and joy you have right now with excessive worrying over what may or may not happen in the future. A great way to reduce anxiety about the future is to focus on the present. In future posts, we will explore just exactly how to do that.
Final Analysis
If you said “yes” to the majority of items on the list, congratulations! Although being in an age gap relationship will still not be a cakewalk for you, you’ll have a much better chance of having a happy and relatively drama-free relationship.
If you said “no” to the majority of items on the list, being in an age gap relationship is not impossible for you, but you may have to work harder at not letting things get you down.
In either case, finding a small group of friends who you can vent to on a regular basis will be tremendously helpful as you navigate the ins-and-outs of your age gap relationship. Be sure to visit our Forums so you can meet other people who are in the same boat as you!
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
The number one most important trait someone MUST have in a relationship like this is to have tough skin. This list is dead on with what you need to be in an age-gap relationship. My boyfriend and I are 7 years apart (him 25 & me 18) and we’ve had to overcome a lot of comments, issues with his dad & my parents and threats (from my parents more than anyone else). It can be extremely stressful at times but if you and your partner are truly in love, then you’re going to find ways to overcome those stressful bumps in the road.
yeah me and my gf are 4 years apart but i am only 20. i love her but i am just scared that something will happen and we will not be able to be together. is it immoral for me to be with her cause she is so young? no one know about us yet apart from a few close friends and one formerly close friend of mine that i lost due to this relationship. we are committed to each other and have already talked about our future together. i just need some advise.
same here .. my gf and i are 4 years apart…and i am only..15 going to 16
i too am afraid something will happen…but i believe we are committed to each other too…
Guess the thick skin is really needed..and some advice too..
How about 30 years apart?
My husband is 19 years older than I am. We’ve been married for one year. He stresses out about every little thing, but particularly about money. He’s a saver to some extent; but if it’s HIS activities it’s ok to spend. He expects me to change my spending habits. Sex is a big issue too; he says he’s too old (69) and I have a high sex drive. I’ve tried to be patient but it’s just not important to him. He says “I’m too old for you” and “you need to find somebody else”. Well why didn’t he say that BEFORE he married me? Just tell me that and leave me be….. No, he marries me THEN springs it on me that he doesn’t have a sex drive anymore. That’s not how he acted BEFORE we got married………..
I am 19 years old and my boyfriend is 42. He enjoys that im so young, and we have an awesome sex life. But im worried if it will work out. I have a lot of life ahead of me and im a very spunky person. He seems to be the opposite. He is a truck driver and is gone most of the week. We will soon be moving in with each other, and he sometimes questions our relationship. In the begining it was all about sex, but now it is more than than. We both love each other very much.Is this too much of an age difference?
April, in response to your question, my fiance and I have a similar age gap. He just turned 42, and I am 21. We’ve encountered a LOT of criticism, some of which resulted in friendships coming to an end … it’s sad, and we’ve often asked those same questions of our relationship. But we’ve been together almost 3 years now, and we believe that we’re soul mates. Honestly, age should be the least of a person’s worries because it’s not what makes or breaks a relationship: homogeny is. The questions you should be asking are: Do we have similar interests? Do we come from a similar background? Do we have the same morals and goals? Do we have a similar amount of education? … Those are the things that make or break a relationship. Hope that helps.
I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 34. We started out as just friends while I was still a minor, but grew to become closer, so we started dating once I was legal. We love each other SO much…we’re like puzzle pieces, we fit each other so well. I just told my mom about us yesterday… So far she hasn’t told dad since he would flip out on me and probably send me to a convent or something. :/ She’s….not handling it so well….she thinks it’s a big mistake…and calls me a hopeless romantic. Yes, so maybe I am a romantic, but that doesn’t change our feelings. I think that the biggest problem for my mom is that she DOESN’T have the tough skin that I do. She does care about what people think and thats going to make it harder for her to accept us. She also thinks I’m just too serious when it comes to relationships, but thats just the way I’ve always been when it comes to dating. The purpose of dating is to find your future spouse. If you’re dating someone, but can’t see yourself potentially marrying them…I just don’t see the point in dating them at all then. I just wish that my mom could accept me, accept us, the way I am. I told her that I don’t expect them to accept us with open arms…I just want them to give him/us a chance and not just say no absolutely not. I’m just hoping that since I’m still living under their roof until college this fall that they don’t try to keep us apart. I told my mom that doing so would only hurt their relationship with me and push me away, and she said she understands that. I guess only time will tell, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
I have always been interested in older men. My other half is 26 yrs older than me, but you wouldnt guess that- he has a very positive attitude to life and fitness. He has taught me how to appreciate what I do have in life rather than what I dont , and his support is never ending. I dont think that age is really a consideration if you’re just looking for a long term relationship, however, if you want children then it possibly is. Ive never wanted children and have only have wanted to be with someone older so Im quite lucky in that respect. Also, generally older people have more life experience and have a much better perspective on all manner of issues!!
Whats important is how both parties support each other within a relationship, not an age gap at the end of the day and its how you learn from each other!
I’m 21 and my partner is 42; unfortunatly I’ve come across a hell of a lot of critism, mainly from my dad and friends, and yes it has damaged my relationship with them to an extent which is sad; but when I look at the relationship I have with Paul and how much I love him and how much he loves me, it kinda makes it worth it.
Way I see it is its your life your leading, not anyone elses. I’d rather go to my death bed looking back and knowing I lived my life for me and made my own choices rather than let anyone elses opinions control how I do things. Age has never been an issue with us so I don’t see why people who have no idea what they are talking about should make it one. Usually when ppl say things I just turn it into a joke or shrug it off.
If people are going to go out of their way to be rude and stare then really they don’t have much manners, and clearly their opinion menas very little as it shows how insecure they are that they feel the need to broadcast their negativity so loudly. Any form of love is nothing to be ashamed of, though I’ve found that unfortunatly people are always scared of what they don’t understand; like this forum said you need to have a thick skin.
I’ve been seeing a guy who is 35 and i am 18 soon to be 19… today i kinda freaked out about it because i was at his nephews 4th birthday party, and i felt like a child meeting his brothers and sisters with young teenage children and babies. I have thick skin, don’t get me wrong, but it was pretty overwhelming. My sister and her boyfriend have more than ten yrs apart so i can see my family eventually excepting it… but i see them slowly drift away to different paths and interests.
i’m not going to base my relationship on them, but i can’t help but worry a little. A 19 yr old and 35 have very different experiences under there belt. Age does not define the wisdom in ones soul which gives me hope. but i constantly catch my self measuring up to what he might want in his life and every time i’m not enough, sounds like something i need to sort out in myself for sure.
*Age is an illusion, so are many experiences and emotions in life which we must constantly be conscious of and be quick to change if they are in anyway toxic to our environments.
We are constantly changing and rearranging in this world and it makes me happy that i can find someone who has the same calm outlook as i. “you never lose by loving, you lose by holding back. And never try to seek the because- in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.” it just is. the same can be said about time and life, a concept so infant that it can not be conceptualized, just respected and embraced. so if he can’t except that, then he will never be good enough for me. and if he can, he has already saved me and i, myself, with the notion. and when there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. fight for what you believe in, because who is anyone to tell you that you are in the wrong. you deserve happiness only if you allow abundance of it into you life and feel that you deserve it, but if you cut off the spring that supplies it, you shall never receive, quite the contrar.
One day we will realise that love is patient, love will never judge, it will just be. There is no ego in love. If there is, well then, that is lust not love. “Love fills everything. It cannot be desired because it is an end in itself. It cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession. It cannot be held prisoner because it is a river and will overflow its banks. If we commit ourselves to what and whom we love, the act frees ourselves from the tyranny of our internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.”
I hope this provided some piece of mind. For i paradoxically answered my own question by accident.
he he.
14 year age gap
Being the older woman, and extremely sensitive natured, have managed to stay sain through more than one year of marriage so far. A thick skin is not completely essential if you have a strong and supportive enough relationship.
Would be nice though!
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