It seems strange to kick off a relationship blog with a post about money. After all, love and money don’t mix…or do they?
Talk to any therapist or divorce lawyer and you’ll quickly discover that money is one of the top things couples fight about. Unless you happen to be one of those lucky gold diggers/sugar daddies [insert heavy sarcasm here] that the age gap relationship naysayers keep ranting about, the issue of money will be a prominent one in your relationship.
With the economy in its current sorry-ass state, I find myself becoming increasingly obsessed concerned about money: Do we have enough $$$ to cover the bills this month? Are we paying down our debts fast enough? Will my husband or I get laid off? What about saving for retirement, assuming we can afford to retire at all? The list goes on.
[Edited to add: Note that we never obsess about all the GOOD things that can happen to us, like winning the lottery. But I digress. That's for another post.]
My husband and I have very different attitudes about money, and I can’t really tell how much of that is due to different personalities in general or our age gap in particular. It’s probably a little bit of both. I am the quintessential saver (although I do indulge in the occasional retail therapy) whereas my husband is the quintessential spender.
A quick informal survey of other age gap couples I know reveals three common issues when it comes to age gap relationships and money:
1. “Me Tarzan, You Jane”
This mindset plagues men in non-age gap relationships too, but it is especially prevalent in age gap relationships. It seems that despite the many strides made by the feminist movement, there is still a nagging thought in our collective societal psyche that a man “should” be the sole, or at least the main, breadwinner.
Throw an age gap into the equation and the situation often gets worse. A younger man may feel pressure to “catch up” to his older, more financially established wife; whereas an older man may beat himself up for not being able to “take care” of his younger wife.
If your partner feels this way, remind him that you are BOTH in this relationship together, and goddammit, you guys are a team!
2. “Whoever Pays the Piper Calls The Tune”
You often hear the saying that money equals power. Whenever I raise the topic of age gap relationships with the uninitiated, the common image that gets conjured up is one where a domineering older partner uses money to control his or her pretty young thang.
But the reverse can also be true, such as when a younger partner makes more money or has more disposable income. For example, a younger woman may become resentful of the fact that a significant chunk of her husband’s paycheck goes to his ex-wife in the form of alimony and child support payments.
If you and your partner have this issue, you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. And the sooner the better. Nothing poisons a relationship faster than a power struggle.
3. “You Can’t Take It With You”
I personally have a hard time with this one. Every time my husband and I fight have animated discussions about money, he would rest his case on this position. “It’s just money,” he would say, often with an exasperated sigh.
This annoys the heck out of me, partly because I feel he’s being dismissive, and partly because I think he has a point. Sometimes we worry so much about money that it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Or, in the words of my the-cup-is-half-full husband, “at least we don’t have cancer.” (If anyone has a good comeback to this equally annoying line of thinking, please let me know.)
I’m sure there are other money issues that age gap couples face, but these three are what I hear about most often. And to be fair, they often exist in non-age gap relationships too.
I’d love to hear about other people’s experiences. How do you and your partner deal with money issues?